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Posted by on 2020/06/01 under Life

I push people away, I don't like trying to maintain friendships because not only are they exhausting to me, but you must put in effort on both ends to maintain them. I then continue to think did I do enough, am I being a good friend, or do they have motivation behind this friendship. I put all my time and energy into my kids, being a good mom, wife, homemaker, teacher, and always being their healthy support system, that I feel drained at times. When it comes to making friends eventually I will need to be there for someone else. Because that's how relationships work, you put in effort and they put in effort. I love being there for people but I often find that I become the one playing the motherly roll and always the nurturer, at times I need nurturing.

But that's not the only problem, I have a bad habit of picking unhealthy friends. They want me to act single, or constantly hangout, or they have major issues that I end up getting wrapped up in. Maybe it's hard to find somewhat healthy friends in your 30s. I also have trust issues. It's hard for me to want to bring a person into my life that may or may not be trustworthy. Trust is a big deal and no relationship will last without it. I have been betrayed one too many times by people that I call friends. It also becomes hard to trust when you can't even trust your own mom. The first example of a relationship and I'll stop because I can save that for the professionals.

I know I'm an introvert but when you need to be everyone's support system, the weight becomes more than what you can handle. I then just want to be alone. Completely alone!

When you are at home most of the day it gets hard to meet new people.

So now here I am, friendless by choice but the only thing is that when I need someone, because we all eventually do, I have nobody. I have no one I can lean on, talk with, or just be playful around. It hurts. I don't reach out much to family because they have their own issues and I'm not that close with my immediate family. They tend to be superficial, not understanding, and to be honest I never felt like I fit in with them.

The point is that I just wanted someone to talk with. The mental health stuff helps but only so much. I wanted comfort and companionship. I don't want to always put my burdens on him. He's not the best listener and at times there's no advice. He can't handle me and I feel that I don't want to share all my bad with him. He has a hard time dealing with issues.

Realizing you're alone sucks!

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