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Posted by on 2019/01/09 under Life

Almost all my life, I haven't tried to share how I feel. I don't wanna burden other people with my dramas. I tried to kept everything inside so I couldn't cause any trouble. Until I learned to run away from my own emotions. It's just too heavy to carry and to painful to bear and so I chose to run from it. Years after, I realized I can't keep running away. I knew by then that I needed to face it and try to speak up about my thoughts and my feelings. I need to give it a try. Maybe there's someone out there who would understand me or at least spare some time to listen without judging me. Finally I found few people who became my diary. I started to share, to open up. I felt free and happy.
But lately every time I would speak my mind and say how I feel, I'm feeling nothing but pain and guilt.
Just recently a very important person in my life yelled at me and talk nasty things, if this happened when I was still the master of bottled feelings I wouldn't talk back. But I'm no longer that girl. In just a snap I spilled everything I've been keeping in my heart since I was a kid. All the pain I felt because of her, all my efforts she doesn't even recognize, all the words she said that hit me hard…all of it, I didn't mean to tell her 'cause I know it'll hurt her…but that night without having a second thought I let her know every single thing…I cried so hard after saying all those things. I know she's badly hurt. Maybe she's very mad at me by now…I don't know what she's thinking. She's been avoiding me since then. She chose to block me in her life. Now we're both hurting. After all maybe telling how I feel isn't a good idea in the first place. Maybe telling others how much they hurt me isn't right. Maybe I should learn again how to keep everything inside. I don't want being honest to how I feel and end up hurting others. I can stand getting hurt every time but I can never stand hurting others every time. I don't wanna hurt those people I love. I knew she never wanted to hurt me intentionally. Maybe she's like that because of what she's been through. Maybe I was just too selfish to let her know my pain. Maybe I should have stay just being the old me, the me who just listens to other happiness and pain, the me who gives love and life advises, the me who cries and dies silently.
I hope one day she could forgive me. I miss her so much. I really do. I hope my papa in heaven would help us to fix everything, 'cause I don't know how long I can carry on without seeing her smiles again.

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