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Posted by on 2018/09/15 under Life

..Hi.. My name is Elli. Im 11. And I have different mood swings.. If im gonna explain it in a short way, sometimes I feel very happy and "kawaii" and positive! But the other day I can be.. Depressed, and… Just sad honestly.. But it's very different.. Im such an "attention seeker".. I've seen this video of a person feeling very ill/sick, and I wanted to feel so too, and I feel very sad and angry that i'm not like that.. But the whole day I had been feeling very happy and positive, and like I said "kawaii".. I'm just really confused about everything.. Because I think I have been through stuff that an 11 year old shouldn't go through: An alcoholic mom, a screaming dad, feeling unloved, being used, fake friends, self harm, jealous, alone, suicidal, anorexia/bulimi.. Yeah.. I dont think any of that is what an 11 year old should be through, it was mostly when I was 9-10 that I went through it.. But im now talking to a curator, but the thing is… I dont really tell her everything.. It's a really long story but I think that if I tell it, it will be easier to understand, so thank you for reading this far.. Because im gonna tell my story now ;_;. When i was born (2007), my mom and dad was married and loved each other. Same with my sister, she loved me and carried me everywhere with her ^-^. As we grew older they usually fought (my mom and dad). But I didn't really notice it since I was pretty young. They ended up getting a divorce later, so I spent one week at my dad, the next at my mom.. And so on.. My dad started shouting at me and my sister, and telling us that we dont clean well ;_;. I guess he was right.. We were pretty lazy, heh. But I didn't really think he had any right to shout at us for that. And my mom was an alcoholic, she was drinking. But my dad ended up to stop shouting, and told us why.. Apparently he had a bad childhood and so… But I still didn't think he had any right to shout at us because HE had a bad childhood :/. So he doesn't shout at us more, and then one day we were on a trip in another city. And we were shopping for a dress to me for this special event. And… I saw a dress I liked, and he (my dad) said that it would be better if the line-thingy was by the stomach, since it made me look.. "fat".. And that it was only models that could wear dresses like that.. He said sorry but still up til' this day im very unsure about my body and sometimes I just wanna starve myself or throw up all the food i have ate. My sister though, she was the best ever. We cared so much for each other and we protected each other when my dad shouted. And then one day she was dating this dude.. And she was gonna break up with him. But he.. When he went to grab his stuff, he asked to talk with her a little. So about… 2 hours maybe? Sometime later she hadn't come home yet. And we had many phone calls but hadn't found her anywhere.. And then a ring on the door, we open to see her boyfriend (ex), and she's passed out. My sister is passed out.. We immidetly place her on the couch, and she whispers to me, "Please tell him to leave" So i asked her boyfriend (ex) to leave. And he asked why and I just said.. I dont know but she told me to tell you that… So he left, and later my sister told me that he had, abused (punched/kicked) her. And later the police came and she went to the hospital and all that stuff… Soo, of course that's not the end of the story. I had a friend, that knew all of this.. She knew about my dad shouting. She knew about my sister's boyfriend (ex). But she didn't know about the "fat shaming".. Anyways, me and her usually got into fight's. Wich just got me really mad and I would cry and music would be my only way out of this horrible reality of the world. So yeah.. And today I am seeing a curator.. But I just wanna tell her all of this.. But im just… Im not a person that usually tell everyone about my inner deep feelings (what im really feeling and thinking). I just say short versions of it… My mom is getting help today, because of her drinking. And I just… Im trying my best to be positive and happy, and it is working! But further back, I wanted to be sad… I wanted to be self-harming and depressed/suicidal.. I know I will get loads of hate for this.. I dont know why. I just wanted to.. So I started cutting, no blood though. Only white marks was left. But it still hurted. One time my mom saw them, but we dont really talk about it, and there was this other day my classmate saw them.. And he asked "what is that?", and I just answered, "Oh, my cat, she gets really crazy when you pet her". And another day I was joking with him and he answered, "Says you with your "cat marks"". I felt really uncomfortable with him saying that but I just ignored it. And up til' this day, im trying my best to be happy.. But im slowly turning back to being like that. To be sad, depressed, suicidal, self-harming, anorexic. I.. I just.. I dont really know how to explain it, it's just so.. Ugh I can't explain it. I just, wanna lose weight, meet my favourite singers/rappers/dancers xD, be happy, travel the world. I honestly would love to just stay away from school and travel the world, it is a true happiness for me. But my dad always works, my sister is busy hanging out with friends. And im living at my dad so I can't do anything with my mom, and also cause we're a little low on money.. Since she (my mom) doesn't have a job due to her diagnos-thingy, EDS… I dont know what it's called in english but it's called EDS in my language, and it stands for something… Idk but, it's like her back hurts and she can't do a lot.. Anyways.. THANK YOU SO MUCH! FOR READING! ;D IT FEELS BETTER TO JUST WRITE IT ALL OUT, ADVICE WOULD BE SO GREAT THANK YOU. HAVE THE BEST DAY EVER.. 🙂

4 thoughts on “Thank you, for reading.

  1. Anonymous says:

    thank you for sharing, means a lot

  2. Anonymous says:

    Writing really does make a lot of people feel better. Get it out and let what you can go.

  3. Anonymous says:

    I have never related to something this much in my entire life, I’m so sorry honey 🙁 I can’t help you and I can’t help me either but what has changed a lot for me is my relationship with my best friends. Find someone you trust with your life and surround yourself with them

  4. Anonymous says:

    A loved one that I am really close to went through self harming. Her parents yelled at each other and hated each other and her grandpa went crazy. I can so relate to what you are feeling. Stay strong. My advice would be to find a hobby whether it is art, music, crafts, something you enjoy doing and if you can make money at it all the better.

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