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Posted by on 2018/06/09 under Love

I fell in love for the first time around a year ago with a female friend. We became kinda close then drifted apart over the summer. We reconnected earlier this year in February. I learned she had broken up with her old boyfriend and had found a new boyfriend (who had already cheated on her twice and was emotionally abusive). Then one day in March, out of the blue, she told me she saw me as more than her friend. I too admitted my attraction to her. We continued to talk and flirt until early May, when she finally broke up with her boyfriend. After this, however, she continued to talk to him and I asked her if she was really done with him and if I could expect anything to happen between us. She assured me that they were just friends now and that she wanted to be with me. What ensued was a brief romance between us that consisted of stolen kisses in the middle class, make out sessions in the band room closet, secret, under-the-desks hand holding and countless "I love you's". Towards the end of May, she suddenly became distant and unaffectionate. I knew what was coming, as did my closest friends who worried for me, but I did my best to ignore it. In the first week of June, my worst fears were realized when she unabashedly kissed her ex-boyfriend, non-verbally revealing that she had still technically been his girlfriend all along in front of me and our mutual friends. After school that day, I messaged her, asking her why she lied to me. She didn't apologize or show any remorse whatsoever. Instead, she tried to defend her actions and even went so far as to humiliate me. I told her I thought she was different, to which she replied "I told you." I then proceeded to delete the app we used to text as well as her phone number and any pictures of her I had. In less than 24 hours I lost my best friend, my lover and my most trusted confidant. It was a horrible feeling. The pain was unlike any I had ever felt. If was awful to know that my first love was a complete lie. While it lasted, it felt so, so ,so good to hear "I love you" instead of "I hate you." To feel wanted instead of feeling like a burden. To have someone kiss and caress my cheek instead of slapping or punching it. To have someone look at me with adoration instead of repulsion. Most of all, to know that someone, just one person out of 7.5 billion, cared about me and would be genuinely sad if I died. But it was all a lie. A beautiful lie. A dream. She never loved me. The reality is no one loves me. No one wants me. If I died no one would give a f***. I'm nothing but a burden to those around me. But I shouldn't be sad or surprised. I should've been used to this. If my own parents can't love me for who I am, how could anyone else?

One thought on “A Beautiful Lie

  1. kalirablack says:

    it’s always nice to have someone by your side, affectionate, warm, happy, feeling like everything’s so perfect,
    And there’s just this one thing wrong, so wrong that we don’t know how that happens,
    A wrong person that does fake actions…
    Why is it so hard just to find that one true person?

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