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Posted by on 2023/06/15 under Life

Today was my first panic attack that lasted more than two hours. The multiple stops of going in and out of panic attacks before sleeping due to nightmares is scary. Most people don't know about this about me but since childhood, I could lucid dream to where it feels so real. The fact that I can rewind my dreams and recreate them can be super cool to relive or change but the curse of lucid dreaming is that you can't always control your deepest nightmares no matter how many times you try to change, rewind, or even changing to a different dream. Not only did I have two bad dreams… The dreams kept repeating the same thing over and over again not wanting me to change anything no matter how many times I tried.

What was my first dream?
My boyfriend and I had been together for almost 6 years but the fact I've been asking to get married and have kids since the second year of dating hasn't changed to this day. He views marriage and having children to be very serious and wants to plan for very important changes. The only problem to this is that I am at my wit's end. It was our 6 years anniversary. He surprised me with a wonderful fancy dinner. As soon as we sat down he informed me that we would not get married any time soon or have children. This scene in the dream repeated this 10-15 times. I couldn't take it so I left to the bathroom to stop hysterically crying and stop having a panic attack (I was also having a panic attack in real life while dreaming). After some time of crying multiple times in my dream, I told the waiter to let my boyfriend know that I would go home by myself and not the hotel he got for the night of our anniversary. He tried to chase after me but I bolted out of the fancy restaurant as soon as possible. I couldn't bear the thought of staying near him for another second. All the things I wanted was to build a life with the man I deeply cared for, wanted to marry, and have children with decided to do all of that longer than 6 years. I left him with a heavy heart but I wasn't able to look at him for a long time in the dream. I couldn't take the real panic attack so I changed the dream that would repeat itself again and again.

What was my second dream?
The one thing I didn't want to dream was the death of my boyfriend. The first dream did not relate to the second dream. The death of my boyfriend was done in a serious accident that surprised everyone. His family, his friends, his co-workers, and myself. I was in hard denial of his death. The first scene of the dream was a casket with so many people in the room to mourn the death. I pleaded them to not open the casket because I wasn't ready to see him lying there without talking, breathing, or calling me by the nickname he gave me. My heart sank and I couldn't breath in the dream or in real life. Hyperventilating in real life knowing it's a dream but it felt so real that it scared me to death. Knowing that dreams aren't real but my mind can't comprehend the issue. How could he die before we started a life together? How could he die before we got married? How could he die before we had raised several children? Why couldn't we grow old together to see our grandchildren? This dream repeated itself at least 10-15 times. I couldn't keep track due to the constant hard breathing, crying, and the struggle to breathe properly.

What happened after my nightmares?
I woke up trying forget the dreams but it was impossible. Most lucid dreamers can remember their dreams… Especially the nightmares. I couldn't breathe properly, crying, and trying to slow my hard breathing wasn't working for a long time. I ran to the bathroom from my stomach wanting to vomit from the stress of the nightmares. As I sat on the toilet, being on my phone games to distract me from the nightmares seems to work after 30 minutes of the panic attacks. This is me typing the event of my panic attack that lasted about 3 hours. I'm too scared to sleep… I'm scared to dream… I just want to drive to my boyfriend and find out if he's okay but I know for a fact that he's sleeping right now to get enough sleep to work hard tomorrow. I just hope I can sleep comfortable tonight and not have anymore panic attacks. It's too hard to be mentally sane.

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