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Posted by on 2023/02/19 under Life

Growing up in a big complicated family never seems to fix your trauma or your way of thinnking. I grew up in with seven siblings who all got pregnant by the age of 14-19. My mom had me at the same time my siblings had kids so I grew up with all of my nephews and neices. Everything seemed great to us but the adults never told us… Nothing was ever okay until their mistakes ultimately hindered our way of maturing which caused us to make bad decisions in life. Drugs, gambling, bad friends, drinking, disappointing everyone, the feeling of failure, and hurting everyone we care about lives with us every day. Since my siblings all had a families of their own, I grew up as an only child but my parents were never around. My dad did truck driving but he left for another woman at one point so he was not in the picture for a while until the woman had emptied his pocket. My mother is a different story, she would often be on dates with many other men so my sisters would raise me along with their kids or I'd be home watching TV most of the time. My mother would also trick me stating that we would have a dinner together but when we'd get to the location, one of the old men she is deceiving would be there. Watching my nephews and nieces, I got jealous of them growing up with one or both parents. They had siblings they are close to and I was by myself. My dream at a young age was to get pregnant like my siblings so I could have a family of my own. Knowing my mother never wanting to go through that again. She seemed to deceived good people into giving me an expensive education, an Adventist boarding school for four years of high school. I wanted to be in high school with my family but the boarding school ended up saving me from early pregnancy due to loneliness. Do you think my dream changed from the age of ten to now? No… My loneliness only gets stronger as I age. Yesterday was my birthday but only depression seems to keep me up around this time. Now at the age of 27, my hope to build a family seems far away. Instead of building a family, I am building a career in something I don't love but gets my bills paid along with a roof over my head. My boyfriend of 5 and a half years says we need to wait because right now is not the time to have kids when we still need to save money for a house. I know that his way of thinking is rational and smart but not having a family every year makes me think it's never going to happen. My depression is getting stronger and I just want to run away from my life here. I'm not happy and my dream seems like it will never come true. Building a family out of loneliness is not right but it was always a dream of mine to call something mine. I want to tell people proudly, "Look! This is my family!" With a happy smile. Every year during my birthday I get close to my limit in waiting. I want my dream of building a family to come true.

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