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Posted by on 2021/01/20 under Life

I…I don't know what to say or start from where. I feel like am stuck in the middle of a big ocean directionless, hopeless, worthless. I can either drown in the ocean or swim forward in any direction ,at least I will get somewhere but I shouldn't get emotional and make decisions in haste. I feel so pathetic for subconsciously waiting for somebody to pick me up from the middle but I also know that ain't happening. I have to do something and make a wise decision for myself now or never!
I also can't help but wish for HIM to be there, at the end or be with me, through my journey! but that ain't happening…illusions,attractions,infatuation, obsession,addiction. This things are what people say I have for him, making me feel like a criminal,INFERIOR, dirt, loser sinner, wrong, impure.. know I am not impure, though I do watch porns and have masturbated(LMAO) but I am not IMPURE!! Then why are the things I have and feel for HIM forces me to forget about HIM,his existence? I feel so wrong for wanting him, cause he is a legend in Himself.He is, to me, a simple ,sweet man trying his very best each and everyday! But I guess that is what it is, that makes him a great person.
I want to want HIM even though it's so wrong… I want to make best out of myself, push and stretch myself and my limits for HIM, just so I can be on the same level as HIM..He..He and his friends are worshipped, literally, by the world or their fans. There are millions , trillions of people, females wanting HIM and I feel wrong to be one of them. It's a celeb crush, yes, but I have had my fair shares of them, yet,none of those cases were like this!! Maybe it's just a Teenage thing but I dislike myself for this silly thing, I always assume that it'll all be over when I get completely out of this teenage phase , leaving him in my current phase and moving on. The sound of a fresh start seems fresh, pleasant but then I admit I won't be able to LOVE any man, like I Love HIM. Again,this is a teenage thing maybe but I'll soon find out! Hopefully I will be able to move on and it'll be that, that we were NEVER,EVER meant to be together.But if it's just not a Teenage thing, I am doomed cause I'd never be able to be with HIM, or at the least MEET HIM.
I need to focus on MYSELF and I hope eventually this crazy, silly thing will fade out!

7 thoughts on “HIM…

  1. Anonymous says:

    Dear God just go get laid and quit worrying about what society dictates or what others think.

    Sex and love is not that damn complicated.

  2. Anonymous says:

    Don’t do what the above comment said to do.
    You said you’re a teenager, you’ll have silly crushes that will come and go. I don’t think the obsessing part is healthy, you should try to control these obsessive thoughts. Help from an article on the topic:

    “ We are all capable of having unwanted, obsessive thoughts. But regardless how disturbing a thought can be, a thought is just a thought, with no power to harm you or anyone else.
    Obsessions only become problematic when they enter the realm of actions, either private acts to undo them or public acts to placate them. Once we start taking our thoughts literally, and act on them compulsively, they start to negatively affect our lives. It is then, that obsessions begin to take a toll on our time, health, and relationships and to extract a higher and higher cost over time.”

    I hope this helps you.

  3. Anonymous says:


  4. Anonymous says:

    Lol, love you both and thanks for taking your time for me, I guess?? To the one who advised me to get Laid, well It may be silly crush but he is the only one out of my all 4-5 crushes(which were 1-2 year long)whom I haven’t fantasized getting laid with!! With my other crushes I did fantasize getting laid with. But you won’t believe it, I forgot my 1 year long crush, who was my Ideal type and about whom I was fantasizing, in just 30 hours after I started noticing my current crush, lmao! Also my current crush, even though he wasn’t physically present, helped me get out of my 2-3 yearlong depression which was effecting my actions, life , studies, etc… I every night wished before sleeping if I could have a painless, natural death at this young age, to god!! But he(my current crush) kinda encouraged me(though not physically present) to come out of the depression and in a way made me see that I have a life ahead in which I could dream and also fulfill that dream, achieve it, I need to love myself, I came out from the depression as a young, bright, mature, still childish person. I am the same old me but a bit mature, grown up!

  5. Anonymous says:

    Okay I maybe or kinda, imagined Kissing him or pecking him , but it was less than 10 times!! Maybe 5 times…

    And now to the one, who advised me to not do what the first comment said . Thank you so much! I was obsessing with him at first, but when I started to avoid him ,my obsession went back to its limits or it decreased gradually but I still feel for him.
    I guess you are right, it IS a silly teenage crush and when I grow up it will go! I will try to follow your advise ad have a tight control on my brain, thoughts, senses and wandering feelings and emotions!!I will try to forget him completely and focus on main things in my life and also on me! It’s better if I forget him, also he didn’t effect my life that much, maybe a lil bit but it was soon gone and I balanced myself soon.The only thing that effected during this whole time or How he changed me was that, that I became more positive than before, started having goals, him working hard daily encouraged and motivated me to make my life worth living whatever problems and difficulties came. I accepted my flaws , am trying turn my negative points into good maybe better,to focus and love myself.
    But you’re till right and I will try to forget him and follow your advise to get out of this situation!

  6. Anonymous says:

    Andddd.. If I get laid before marriage or LIP KISS anybody… I live in society which is so not open about it, cultures, rituals, discipline and routiness are taken very seriously! Lmao, my parents would disown me or my society would keep taunting me until I feel like I am a dirt , worthless sinner, and then finally suicide! They won’t shut up even after if I die, they’d keep taunting and throwing comments at my family and I don’t want my family to be effected or hurt in any way even if my opinions and my family’s opinions are like polar opposite and clash with each other most of the time. I love my religion, my culture but I don’t like my society , they make up cultures and traditions which don’t even exist, by themselves but I can’t fight against them my whole life cause I can’t leave my country, after all it’s still my HOME and wherever and whenever I go, I’d always find myself returning to my HOME

  7. Anonymous says:

    You should keep the good that you gained from him. All the progress and acceptance is something to hold onto. But becoming obsessed with him to the point that it interferes with your life is no good. Some people come in to our lives at the right moment and they change us, this could be for the better or worse. You don’t need to forget him but rather like you said distance yourself from the thought of having him. You could use him as an example of what type of man you want in a husband when you get older. It seems like it was healthy and then turned into an obsession (which is never healthy). Just remember what you said “illusions,attractions,infatuation, obsession,addiction. This things are what people say I have for him, making me feel like a criminal,INFERIOR, dirt, loser sinner, wrong, impure.”. If something becomes bad for you making you feel wrong then distance yourself from it.

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