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Posted by on 2020/06/30 under Life

Thursday, April 16, 2020

Again, I've slacked on these writings because I'm too tired or too lazy…..

Mum called a few days ago to wish me well for exams. Then yesterday, after the MATH 2271 exams, she says that she was praying.
Unfortunately I had failed the courses since the term started. Didn't even takes ESSE 2012 exams. I gave up on the course after missing the first classes of the term for lateness and embarrassment.
I'm hoping to be dead so I don't have to keep failing.
I still haven't been able to decide a college or college programme to get into as my dad suggested earlier. I'm not sure they'll be willing to let me go to college after my performance with these courses. After I'm kicked out of university, I'm not even sure I will be able to renew my expiring visa. But I definitely won't be able to work this summer. I can only work if I'm enrolled in an education institution. So, rendering me even more useless.

I would go out and get infected with Covid-19 if I wasn't living with siblings I could transmit the disease to. The future economic crisis isn't looking good right now and I don't want to face that. My parents are out of work temporarily as Nigeria has locked down some states. So, not sure how they'll pay the bills.
Funnily, I wish Nigeria's covid-19 crisis will be very serious because I don't care about a country that doesn't see me as a citizen deserving the same dignity simply because of my lack of religion and sexuality. However, since my parents live there, I wouldn't want that on them.

Today, while talking with Chioma, she asked about what I do when frustrated. I mentioned that 1% of the time, I write. But couldn't tell her what I write because it's these notes. I write them looking forward to die. Maybe jumping into the subway.

My addictions have gotten worse

—Tournel H

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