Posted by Anonymous on 2015/07/04 under Uncategorized For many years, everything has been cold and silent, with solitude being the most frequent visitor to my already empty heart. But this has been the common situation. The emptiness within me only grew more and more devastating, never ceasing to progress. Each single day for the last four or some years have been all the same: NOTHING continued to be the best definition of myself. Loneliness is now something so usual that it became to be comforting and reassuring. And everything was normal until some days ago: I would come to an empty house, being its unimportant tenant, and comfort myself on the now well-known solitude, and it would give me what I am already used to receive in return: NOTHING. And it has been the norm, until he appeared. Then, all of a sudden, everything seemed to be incomplete again. The solitude was no more a comforting partner, on the contrary, it turned its cold face to me and revealed once again its dark side. Something was lacking, something IS lacking. Perhaps the correct statement shall be SOMEBODY is absent, HE is not here. And what is it that drives me crazy? What is it that makes me feel lonely even with my beloved solitude? What is it that changed so quickly? I believe I know the answer, but I am afraid to admit it. It is because I changed. It is because, once more, the cycle started. And there it goes: the one who is supposed to accept his incurable loneliness pretending he can love. The one who should conform with his unimportance playing the role of somebody who can have hope. And it is extremely unsettling. Nothing suffices. His presence send me to another realm; his voice affects me deeply; his face in now engraved in my mind; his scarce smiles are being repeatedly played in my mind; and I feel so dumb for it. Guilty and ashamed of all of this. Maybe, it is the reality that the all-controlled-and-cold-guy is only a rather fragile shell. Perhaps he has broken it very rapidly, and it would be completely fine if I would never see him again. Then, I would return to the solitude and nothingness where I belong. But the doubts are so annoying. I am not as cold as I seem. It is much on the contrary, to be sincere. However, rejection is commonplace and, more often than not, the rule. Then, why did the fear of rejection return? Why the impressions I might cause in him became suddenly important? Why did it return now? Again, the answer to all of these questions is right in front of me, and yet… Yet, I cannot admit. The possibility of he having any interest in me sounds TOTALLY absurd, while the contrary is already redundant. The same decision plagues me once more: I either decide to continue a lonely life, which I have plenty of experience in; or I decide to move on and try to let this solitude behind. Both are frightening, and perhaps the latter even more than the former. Indecisions. Questions. Anxiety. Fear. These are constantly saluted friends of mine. But it suffices that I look to him and all of these are replaced by joy and admiration. It is a ridiculous situation to be in… And what a bad time for it to happen. Ah… I fell for him. Now it is time to prepare the recovery, for the falling will be a long one, and suffering is all I have on the agenda. And what makes me really angry is that I would like him to read it. I would like him to know it. I would like him to notice me. And it is ridiculous in all of this. Why do I need to fall so strongly? Why?