God,
I am trying to make an inventory of all the times I've used Marijuana to act or get something I thought I wanted.
The first fragment that is appearing is the time, which might've been the first time, I smoked weed. It was with Candice, Afton and Timmy (or Little Natas).
I was attracted to Afton being that she was in High School and I in middle. And I'd seen Her and Victor make out and then sex ceased to be just a televised phenomenon and something that flesh and blood people did in the flesh. It became real.
Later that night after the weed, Afton and I made out in the park, alone, and I tried entering her pants but she kept moving my hand away. All she wanted to do was kiss. I respected this. Being that I thought she wanted my hand down her pants but actually did not. So we continued to make out for sometime with weed-breath. And that was it.
I don't know what the next occurrence is but I will keep in touch with this inventory grid. Please stay tuneable.
Silently Anonymous,
-The Archer
When was the second volume of Marijuana? I can’t remember . . .
Can God remember for me?
I just can’t remember yet and that’s okay.
It’ll come to me in futurity.
The memory of being drunk at the blacks (blakes) though.
Distinct fragment of Rob vomiting the peanut butter on my leg.
Being drunk at Allies and someone vomiting chicken and rice (I think it was Allie) and making out with Ally S.
(As well as the time before, when Rob and I were anti-acting out and the girls had smoked cigarettes and we wore signs walking around school that said smoking is bad for you and that smoking kills. How did we get from there to here?)
Lauren C. at Gretchens party with her slap the bag routine. Got drunk out of fear of abandonment. Were doing flithy things in M.s room. For instance, keeps asking me what I want and I was saying something from eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, like, you’re pretty, you’re pretty, you’re pretty just the way you are.
I don’t know if Marijuana was chemically involved that night.
Sona and I drugless and feinding and scraping the resin out of old marijuana pipes was a pretty good bottom lining definition experience.
The ecstacy time (New Years 2009?) (I feel like I’ve lost my sense of time. I need to work on where that time went. What was real and what wasn’t. And who is the authority on what is real and what isn’t?) was a huge no-no for me as well. Huge sense of failure, humiliation, embarassment, emptiness, despair, shame and abandonment, taking over me and causing the depression (agression?) to kick my butt. (I even tried to do it a second time and was still more disappointed. Tried doing it for other people, out of peer pressure. To try to experiment and make sense of why people devoted so much of their life to this stuff.)
The LSD I only needed to do once as well to learn that it induces a schizophrenia in Me.
The night at Madisons, when we stole from Emily’s house when she was out of town. 12 Shots or something. 10 shots? I don’t know. A lot. Too much in one sitting.
Vomited. Blacked out. Sexually acted out. (Cheated on Kelly). (Later a fight happened because of it. Madison and Bethany got black eyes from Kristen.)
Later dated Kristen through the grape vine.
Tried to fight Kyle Thomas for hooking up with Madison after the event. (sitting with the feelings instead of acting out on them.)
Did over the counter speed pills mixed with mountain dew code red with Holden at Christmases house (Cris Moss’).
Did Cocaine with Robert and Matt and Taylor and Phil. Passed out, vomited, blacked out and tried to chew tobacco. Drank a pint of vodka and didn’t tell Penny where I was. (She was pregnant at the time.) Somehow ended up home. Acted out in part because I was afraid of losing my freedom and that I’d never get to party again or have a good time.
The other time I got drunk and acted out inappropriately. I was drinking at the Guerreros and had too much and was in a mimicking behaviour when I saw Fritz tug down Jillians shirt and bra and revealed her breast and I did the same thing right after in that I thought it would be okay and funny but for some reason wasn’t? Later her boyfriend came after me when I was vomiting in the sink (Link, the army guy) and was real scary and I ran to Josh’s room and said help! This guys gonna beat me up. And they closed the door and Josh went to talk to Anthony Link and somehow I didn’t get my teeth kicked which is really scary.
I’m sorrowful Jillian for making God uncomfortable when I was being a dork dummy and violated the rights of your person by tugging your shirt down at a party. It was inappropriate and really harmful and I am sorrow.
The other time was the orgy at Joshs when I’d had too much to drink and Kristen and Allie were crying about Henry and I? (What in Gods name was that about?)
And I got kicked out of Jesses room when Kristen and I wandered in there. And, later, I think I was digitally harming(?) Samantha Garcias private parts while Anthony was making out with her.
I remember looking around the room trying to find out what I was supposed to be doing. And everyone was with someone except me and it was really confusing.
the LSD trip with Robert. (How many times do I have to revisit this event?) (This schizophrenic Happening?)
When the entire edifice had fallen.
We had gotten the pills from Wes and I’d taken the photographs with the pills in my hand as though they were the host from Holy Mother Church and Rob had interviewed me about how I came into contact with an addiction to Opioids and all other mind and mood altering chemicals and I tried to tell the story but I don’t remember any of it nor how it sounded at this time. But we did shave my head the day before as a way to shed the skin of the past.
One time that I had stolen the vicodin from M. behind her back and she gave me the most frightening face of all timelessness. Red, dark, fiery, and full of dread and anticipation. Like the face my imagination might see when I’d flush the toilet at night and wake up the monster who lived in the backyard.
It was the most menacing face I had ever seen. It hated me and all of humanity-kind.
And I never wanted to see it again. But nevertheless, I could not stop using because I was still completely biologically dependent on these chemicals. There was no way I could’ve quit without the help of Gods Help.
The other time in New York when I’d stolen from Shelbys backpack the vicodin in there. And I was using them because Penny and I were in some kind of conflict. I took perhaps ten? And she was upset. Why did you have to take ten? Couldn’t you just have taken one or two?
I curled into the fetus position of shame, abandonement and unexpressed rage and disappointment. I had lost the trust of more, once again.
When I stole a bottle from M. for an 8 ball of cocaine. From Jennifer got it for me? (is that okay to say?)
I did it in front of Ty so I could feel what it felt like to stay up all day and all night. And we were both just running around the house insanely.
Was it the next day that I woke up with his urine filled diaper on my face with wonder pets on TV?
The event of Alexa was a huge turning point for me in terms of discovering a bottom line behavior. We were both in bed. We had both been drinking. And I thought that might be an invitation to touch each other with loving caress. (M. slept naked with her vag allways poking out so it seemed normal to be that way with Alexa.) But I freaked her out and she bailed the early morning next. And somehow we made it through those thickets of embarassment and misunderstanding and I feel like we fell into a strange love. But could never get it to become a physical activity.
If it was only my love I accept that as well. Because I am what I love, not what Loves Me.
Drinking at Cris Moss, I remember doing a vomit in his toilet and he said, get out of the way Greg or I’m gonna piss on your head. (This kind of reminded me of when I was in New York (the first time) and lied and said that I peed on a hasidic jews head. But was just joking lying as a little boy does. But somehow perhaps those two events co-occurred together. Am I the haside? (The hasidic jew? with the curls and everything?)
Is Cris Moss a real figure or is he just an anagram of Christ Mas.
Laura Hill came over another time and she told me she had a dream that we were doing a sex and she said I came inside of her and that she was trying to scrape it out as fast as possible. I think I was actually masturbating in the back room right before she came over so it was kind of strange and humiliating that it was happening at the same exact time. Her arrival and the masturbation, I mean.
James Oh and I were messing around the neighborhood once and went to Bridgets next door and accidentally knocked over a potted plant and cracked it and the lady who lived on the corner of the alley saw us and yelled at us and we ran away.
I stole the plastic table from accross the street, as well as the tricycle.
I stole the vodka pump from the garage on oakdale and I broke into the blakes house while they were at school and work and I drank, smoke cigarettes and did a sex with Jelly.
And did a porn-watching.
Had sex with Vanessa while her boyfriend was in the other room and she was only semi-conscious.
Did the same to Codie but only poked her vagina like I had with M. (just an index finger.)
As well as Penny. Over and over and over again through the nights because she hated all forms of physicaly contact because they might’ve reminded her of her rapist. But I suspect that some of the time she was awake. Sometimes I took pictures of her bluey so I wouldn’t have to bother her.
Stole some of Michaels pornos and fantasized about having sex with Sherry. Or imagined them having sex. Michael and Sherry. (I am a real fantasy addict.)
Took pills and smoked Marijuana with Taylor R. and sent a picture-penis. Only to discover that she had piles and piles and piles of picture penis’ on her device. And did a semen inside of her to get her back for making me disposable. Just a penis with a face.
Masturbated to M. and Saul having sex from in the hallway. Stole some of Sauls pornos and masturbated in private.
Masturbated about doing a sex with Jennifer. When I was really young, I’d imagine my penis coming out of her mouth. From being behind.
Opening the door, with me at the door, and my penis coming out of her mouth somehow. (???)
I cannot be in two places at once! Whose penis was it?
I feel really sad about ghosting Martina but perhaps it was just part of the plan of Godfulness. I miss her today because of the grace and mercy she shewn me when I was at my saddest and most depressiveness. (brokenness?)
Help God Help Greg!
Masturbated in the desert in Joshs car because I thought him and Amanda were doing a sex right behind me. (Where haven’t I masturbated?)
Another time at Brittany Burneys. Out of boredom and alloneness.
Ashamed about being the catalyst for boob massage to Jackie. That seems strange. How robotically I moved from being with madison to going upstairs with Jackie. And then kicking me out of the room right before everyone woke up. Spooky, huh?
Pretending to grab Ms. Grahams butt to impress Felix (Steven).
Masturbating at school to show off my boner. (I was watching a lot of jackass and miimicking a lot of the behavior I learned from the show to a guide of how to have fun and make people laugh and impress people.)
I don’t know what else. I feel like I’m running on empty God.