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Posted by on 2012/11/24 under Uncategorized

It’s a pretty tricky question: I’m confused, questioning, unsure, maybe even suppressing what I know for a fact is the answer. So I’ll lay it all out linearly, treat it like a math problem with posits and proofs and only one right answer…

First question: what even am I?

1. Gender and sex are different. Sex is what you have, gender is who you are.
2. I’m a female by birth, according to sex.
3. Ever since I was three or four, I’ve acted more like a boy than a girl. I loved Legos, and Matchbox cars, and blue; I absolutely despised dresses and pink and tea parties and Disney princesses and the like. I didn’t go against any norms, do anything totally out of the ordinary. I just went along with the stereotypes of the wrong sex.
4. Ever since I was three or four, the reality of gender was obvious and apparent. Girls were weak, feminine, complicated, backstabbing, overemotional sissies. Guys were strong, tough, so much easier to figure out and deal with. Guys had more fun. Guys could do anything they wanted. Girls didn’t or couldn’t.
5. Ever since I was three or four, I’ve wished I was a guy. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by how desperately I want to be a male, other time it’s more subtle, bu the feeling has ALWAYS been there. I’ve never been comfortable being a girl.
6. Ever since three or four, I’ve been uncomfortable being called a girl. I’m in Girl Scouts, and whenever we’re addressed “Hey girls, come over here” or whatever, I literally cringe. I mean, I know I’m a girl, I just hate being called one.
7. Ever since I was three or four, I’ve had almost exclusively guys for friends. Then in about seventh grade I started hanging out with girls exclusively (for a number of reasons: a new school, puberty, a new – very girly – female best friend, etc.) But I haven’t gotten any girlier, I still present myself the way I did before, in jeans, sneakers, and a sweatshirt. (I’m 16.)
8. Whenever people mistake me for a guy (my deep voice is pretty misleading, admittedly) I pretend to be offended, because I feel like that’s what the expected response is. But I don’t correct them, I just joke about it to any friends who overheard. Secretly I love being mistaken for a guy.

Thus, ever since three or four, it seems, I’ve been a transgender. So next question: why didn’t I realize sooner?

9. My family is very, very Catholic. Catholics think that homosexual acts are a sin (but you should still be nice to gays). Thus, my family is very anti-gay rights but pro-tolerance… kind of.
10. I was Catholic too up until four months ago. For a huge number of reasons I stopped believing in God, and even more so in religion in general. But I haven’t come out of the theistic closet to my family yet, either.
11. I’ve always sort of known I was meant to be a guy, but it wasn’t until three weeks ago that I actually learned what a transgender was. I thought transgender meant transsexual, but it doesn’t. Think squares and rectangles.
12. I was in denial for that whole time. Really, I was too afraid to admit that I wasn’t “normal” anymore. I wasn’t a tomboy. Now I was a member of the LGBT, the world’s single most HATED group of individuals. Next to like the KKK.
13. I read some medical websites. In a nutshell they all said “Transgender is an umbrella term…you don’t need to get surgery…you should get a therapist…you /are/ normal…GENDER IDENTITY DISORDER.” And I’m thinking “What the f***? Now I’m a crazy person.”
14. I read some LGBT sites. This was worst. Now I’m being lumped in with LGBs. Don’t get me wrong, I wholeheartedly love and support gays, and I have a pretty good number of non-heterosexual friends, but I can’t have my family thinking I am one. Like I said, VERY Catholic. No, I wouldn’t get kicked out or anything, but I don’t want to hurt them. Even if I explain the differences, the word “transgender” still has all these negative connotations. Any way you look at it, I’d be labeled a freak.
15. But I still accepted it. Like this is the way it is, these are the cards I’ve been dealt. I’m a terrible poker player, but my poker face is brilliant. So I’ll just live my life as a (masculine) girl, like I’ve always done. No biggie. No surgery, no testosterone to freak out my parents. Maybe I’ll tell a really close friend or two, but more likely it’ll be my little secret. Nothing’ll change, except my eyes will have been opened a bit more.
16. Then I watched some Youtube videos. I searched “how i knew i was a transgender” and came up with this treasure trove of people talking about just that, and EVERY SINGLE ONE was basically narrating my life. It helped me to really accept that this is who I am and there /really/ isn’t anything wrong with it.
16. Those videos also made me long to become a guy way stronger than ever before. One transguy, skylarkeleven, said something along the lines of “Now that I knew there was the option, I wanted even more to switch genders.” And it was amazing because he truly looked like a guy. He’s been on testosterone for a year when he made the video, and it was shocking. I was so envious. Then this other guy, somebody Oakley, had a MUSTACHE. I have always wanted to be a guy so I could have a mustache (granted, it’s a perk not a reason). No, I still don’t think I would ever get the surgery, but maybe hormones are the way to go. I started thinking about this more seriously.
17. Oh, but even if all I do is get a chest binder and a crew cut, let alone change my name or grow a beard, my family will still think I’m a freak. Forgot about that.

So…what do I do now? Dear lord, I don’t even know.

A. I’m going to college in two years. I could book out and go do whatever the f*** I want. But the whole “I’m trans, b****es!” tactic never seems to work out.
B. I could tell my parents, but instead of disowning me (which would make it oh so much easier on me, because then I could do A without any regret), they’ll probably try the “pray the gay away” deal. Ha, they still think I’m religious.
C. I could go off to college and live a double life – be a guy out in the real world, and buy a wig for when I come home on Thanksgiving. Eventually I’d tell everyone, but only when I felt comfortable. But I don’t want to live a lie – the most important thing to me, philosophy wise, is living genuinely. (Dang, never thought that would have to apply to myself until now…)
D. Live life as a girl. Do nothing. Keep my true self hidden inside my socially accepted self. Yeah, that sounds fun.

I mean, I don’t even know what else to do.

Oh, psh, then there’s the whole thing about my sexuality. I never hoped to have to question it, but now I’m wondering.

1. I have this like, irrational disapproval of lesbians. Nothing personal. But if, say, two girls start kissing in a movie, I have to look away. I’m cool with everything else – heterosexuals, gay guys, that Taboo guy who married his car. It must be some weird psychological quirk, but I don’t get it, and I don’t like it.
2. Always thought I was straight. No biggie.
3. Then all of a sudden I’d get a crush on a girl. Not serious, kind of a passing crush, but I’d scream at myself (in my head) “NO! YOU ARE NOT A LESBIAN! STOP IT.” And I did, but I was terrified I was bi,etc.
4. Now I know I’m transgender. Well, damn, that makes it confusing. Google comes up with a lot of people wondering if “If a straight guy dates a gay transgender who used to be a girl, does that make him a homosexual?” sort of complicated crap. But transgendered-ness has nothing to do with sexuality, so also says Google.
5. Right now, I’m a girl. I like guys. I don’t like girls. (Or maybe I do but don’t let myself admit it) So I’m a straight girl and not a lesbian….I think.
6. If I were to one day become a guy – hormonally (maybe) or surgically (unlikely) – I would still like guys. I would like girls. So I’d be a gay guy and a straight guy. Maybe I’d be bi, maybe pan, I am still unclear on the differentiation there…
7. But what the f***. Does that mean right now I’m straight or not? Because I would like girls if (according to my subconscious) it was acceptable – ie, if I was a guy. THIS IS SO CONFUSING.

But I mean, that doesn’t really matter as much, does it? I have enough problems coming to terms with being a transgender without being gay on top of it.

I’m ALREADY not heteronormal.

Oh god, “Second Chance” just came on the radio. “Please don’t cry one tear for me, I’m not afraid of what I have to say. This is my one and only voice, so listen close, it’s only for today… Tell my mother, tell my father: I’ve done the best I can to make them realize this is my life, I hope they understand. I’m not angry, I’m just sayin.” Oh god oh god oh god oh god…

One thought on “Who/What/Why even am I? Because I don’t know anymore.

  1. Anonymous says:

    Its okay to feel like you were born into the wrong gender. If you feel like a boy, be a boy. If you feel like a girl.. be a girl. If your inbetween, your inbetween. No need to be so hard on yourself about those feelings, i have them too. I feel more like a female then a male, but i also am attracted to both genders equally for seperate reasons. It’s very rough for a person to go through what your going through, I wish you luck, and just wanted to tell you this… be who you want to be and don’t let anyone stop you from being yourself. Stop putting your feelings into categories like ”transgender” or ”bisexual”.
    YOU like what YOU like, just like I like what I like or just like Jon Snow likes what he likes(redheads ofc).

    good luck to you on your journey, embrace your feelings and they won’t confuse you so terribly 🙂

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