Love Work Family Friends Games Kids Life

Posted by on 2012/09/28 under Uncategorized

I am just having really s***ty week. Today has been the cherry on top, not because anything bad happened, it has just been one of those days where I have too much time to think. I have no motivation. I feel so burnt out. I am just wondering when my pushing myself will pay off. I am a junior in high school and I know it doesn’t seem like I should know what stress is, but I really do. I guess some of this goes back to almost a year ago. Last October my mom was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer. I used to cry a lot, but not nearly as much since that happened. Most people would cry more in an event like that, but I just couldn’t do it. My mom was going through the hardest thing that she ever battled and everyone was crying. That just seemed so selfish to me, and so I didn’t cry…for her sake. Unfortunately everyone around me mistook my strength for ignorance and thought that I couldn’t comprehend how sick she was. Meanwhile, I was a sophomore taking two AP classes for college credit and just kind of going through my days. Before long Mom was losing her hair and going through chemo. Around the beginning of this year they did some more tests and thought that the cancer was getting better. I was stressing about school like never before, but at least I had hope for my momma. I was so ready to finish school and enjoy my summer. Well, by the time school ended my mom was getting sicker. It turned out that her cancer had actually gotten much worse and they gave her less than a year to live. So I spent the beginning of my summer in and out of the hospital with her, and later caring for her at home until she died on July 3rd. She didn’t even make it through three months of her predicted year. Seeing someone die is the weirdest thing. Sometimes I am truly amazed at the things I have been through. Anyways, needless to say my summer was not a relaxing one and I was still burnt out from the year before. Now, I chose my course load early in the year when I thought my mom would be getting better, and now I have to bear it when I am not at a very good point in my life. I really wish that I had someone to tell my whole story to. I have friends, but I really cannot just talk to them like this. I have had such bad luck with these kinds of things in the past. I don’t choose bad friends, at least I don’t think I do. My very first best friend was my friend from when we were younger than 2 years old until I was about 13-14. That was a heart breaking time for me. Everything was fine, we hung out every weekend. She knew everything about me. But once we hit about 8th grade she started changing, which I guess was bound to happen. She has parents that really let her get away with just about anything, so she transitioned into the party life and I wasn’t good enough for her anymore. She never called, she ditched me, and I was so hurt. I cried whenever I thought about it and I continued to cry when I thought about it up until the summer before sophomore year. I had other long time friends, though. But they all have their flaws as well. One of them doesn’t realize how easy she has it, of course there are stresses on her life as well…there are stresses in everyone’s lives. Now that I think about it, I wouldn’t say that she has it easy, we have it hard in different areas. I envy her for the fact that she has both of her parents (they’re divorced, though which is a situation that I have never had to deal with and I couldn’t imagine how strange that would be), she has a boyfriend, she takes on level classes, she drives with ease (I have pretty bad anxieties about certain things, being in/operating a car is one of them. Everyone pretends like it’s some stunt for attention…I don’t know why they don’t understand that I want to drive like a normal 16 year old, I just can’t.), she is involved in many activities, has a lovely friend base, etc. I have some other friends who tend to be a bit selfish. One in the sense that she will not listen to your problems, but she will spill every detail of hers to you and, God forbid, if you don’t listen she will turn on you in a fit of rage for no good reason at all. She too does not understand what she has. The other selfish one is selfish in another sense. She only thinks about herself. If she has plans with you, but something else is more appealing she will ditch you in a heartbeat and then laughs it off like she is so funny and it was a big joke. She doesn’t understand that her s***ty actions hurt others. She also has this sense of entitlement. It’s as though she thinks the world owes her something. Another one of my friends just doesn’t know what to do in an emotional situation, and I don’t blame her for that. She recently has a new boyfriend though and something tells me that things are going to change between us. It’s her first boyfriend and I know that things like this can change people. Oh well. I wish more than anything that I could find someone to love and tell all my troubles to, but there seems to be a problem in that department as well. Guys just don’t like me. I feel like this could be for a number of reasons. Maybe I am too b****y, maybe I am too ugly, maybe I am too fat, maybe they can tell I have a low self esteem and figure that if I can’t love me, why should they? I struggle with my weight quite a bit, I hate my body so much. I have dabbled in eating disorders, but I can’t even do that right. I cannot stick to anything to fix this, I have done dieting, I have done exercise, but something always seems to get in my way. Especially in times of stress I seem to put it off…the other day I took two different kinds of diet pills (two of each) and I ended up accidentally getting myself stoned. My reaction was nice for a bit until I had no desire to eat anything and got extremely sick from what I had just exposed my body to. I won’t be doing that again. Anyways, it doesn’t matter what problems I am going through, life goes on. I feel like I am walking on a crowded street in which all the people are quickly walking in the same direction as if they’re late to wherever they needed to be, but my shoe is untied…so I trip and fall as I bend down to tie it. No one stops walking, no one asks me if I need help. Some people shake they’re heads or mutter something along the lines of “poor girl,” but no one stops. I just lay there being suffocated by all of those who continue on. It seems useless to try and stand up again because I will just be knocked down. I keep trying anyway and I am left lying on the ground wondering if my efforts will ever be enough for me to join the crowd again. I don’t know if that makes a lot of sense, but that’s how I feel…kind of. There is not enough time in a day. I just need some time off, but that doesn’t really work for me. No one stops to think about the 16 year-olds who are trying their hardest to make a life for themselves, but they have been put through so much that they are running out of steam before their lives have even begun. I cannot help but continually worry about my future. If I am this unhappy right now, how can I ever be expect to have better days? I have been through so much in my life. I was molested by my brother when I was younger (not that it messed me up too much, I don’t really like to be touched without permission…but I don’t think that is his fault), I grew up with an ill mother (she had lupus, arthritis, fibro, and just about anything else you could think of..but she had her good days) who I later watched deteriorate at the hands of cancer, I have lost those closest to me, and have battled my own demons (my anxiety, my self image, etc.)…but I am still here. All I want is to live in a peaceful community in a loft above a tea shop (which I will own, of course) with my fiance and our cat. I will take Tuesdays off and instead spend them reading, napping and doing art. This mental picture of better days is one of the only things that keeps me going. The other thing is my dad. I don’t know what he would do without me. I have to be strong for him. He needs me.

Leave a Reply

Name and Mail are optional. Your email address is however required if you want to subscribe to the comments (see below)

This site uses User Verification plugin to reduce spam. See how your comment data is processed.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.