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Posted by on 2012/07/16 under Uncategorized

She killed herself. With a bullet. I didn’t really know her, but I think we may have met. I am supposed to be painting her portrait. But, I’m not… I’m not doing anything. I am an artist. Unmotivated, but skilled. I am a mother. Unmotivated, but loving. I am a girlfriend, and when you’re not really motivated to be a “significant other” it pretty much renders that whole dynamic pointless.

I don’t know what drives people to suicide… I look at my empty canvass, visualize her face… I want to pretend like it should never get that bad. Yet, even now, I can’t help but wonder if she had some sort of twisted STRENGTH.

I am nearly 30, never had a real job. Never been married. And while I brought two beautiful baby boys into the world… I feel I cause them so much unnecessary grief. They’ve been in foster care twice. My house is filthy, so they take them away. I am super fat… even though I have had two different weight loss surgeries. My boyfriend, has been with me before, left me before, loved me, hated me, hurt me… and now… I only feel like whats left of us just makes him miserable.

The woman I am to paint, has a daughter… I think “How could you leave your child behind like that?” But that doesn’t negate all the times I have kicked myself for putting my children through the crap they’ve been in.

This whole post, it was supposed to be some silent cry for help, that no one will see. But it just makes me feel more pathetic…. I wonder if there’s a place you can go where you’re never ashamed,lonely, confused or defeated. I wonder if there’s a place I can get to where I am no ones burden but my own. I wonder if that’s where she is….

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