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Posted by on 2012/04/03 under Uncategorized

Its hard to admit, but my personality has changed. I can pin point when I became unhappy. To the day.

Something subconsciously changed within me, reflecting back its pretty clear, though at the time, I couldn’t see it. Now with all the time in the world after losing my job that I have invested 5 years into, due to having no demand for work, I can see it. and it f***ing sucks.

I found myself on this page, as a person who does not normally talk about feelings or problems in my life to people, i suppose thats how i ended up on an internet page. All of my friends I had, ive lost contact with, or they have chosen their sides and now i have a couple of friends, but no one i could really turn to in a time like this. Assessing my current situation over the last few weeks I continually find myself listening to music from an earlier period in my life and feeling the exact feelings I had then. I can remember that time more clearly than I can remember last week. Im not sure if what i worked so hard to have in my life was really worth it, at the time i thought it was making me so happy and in a way, “fixing” all the issues I thought I had. Now ive come to realise that it was simply pushing them aside, making room for a shallow happiness. Its not that i have to much time on my hands and im feeling sorry for myself, it has been an ongoing thing for the past 4 or so years, but with my work being so busy I have never actually had the time to address the issues. I feel like I take out all my frustrations out within myself, and drive myself further into unhappiness. Ever since around 5 years ago, i slowly turned into more and more of a c***, became more arrogant and untrusting of those around me and what their actual agenda was. I gave up on my dreams and passions, and pursued a bulls*** career and building a bulls*** life that i dont want. I used to be so carefree and easy going, i used to love my friends and i used to love helping people within my community through my short episode within youth work. I really used to feel like i was making a difference and I was always the one who helped mates weather it was through giving them a bed to sleep in when they got the boot from where they lived, going out of my way to visit them at 1 am when they were going through a personal crisis within their life.

Now I hoestly feel like i do not have the capacity to be genuinly happy. sure, the people around me probably think that im doing ok, and im not asking for them to help me or anything like that, im just saying its really hard. I was at a wedding recently, one of the people i have known for the longest in my life, marrying the woman he truly loves, and you could just tell how happy they were together and they were totally 100% fulfilled on that day, but i found myself self talking during the ceremony to ensure i had a smile on my face. I havent felt overwhelmingly happy, or anything near close to that, in so so long. I am a tired, depressed and anxious person. how could i let it happen?

Im writing this because its time for me to make a change. This is my own vow within myself to start working to get the ‘old’ me back. Starting today i will pursue the things i love in life. Take it from me, working 55 hours a week to pursue a career just for the money, its just not worth it. Im flat broke at the moment, dont know how im going to pay next weeks rent, but in all honesty, in the last 5 years ive never been happier. F*** THE MONEY

If your reading this in the same state of thinking i have been in, thinking things like ‘f*** it all’ and that its not worth even bothering it really is. I know because for me, it used to be. and soon will be again.

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