Somewhere To Write

Posted by Anonymous on 2012/03/21 under Uncategorized

I’m not sure why people change, why they become manipulative, or how they can treat someone they love so terribly. When I first had met Cassie I thought she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. I could become lost in her smile, infatuated by her laugh. I don’t think I had ever been so sure about a girl before. Naturally I had a tough time befriending her as she had a guard that was constantly up. I slowly talked to her more and more every day during the 30 min we had together during a study hall at school. Each day we grew closer, first friends, then we hung out together a couple of times, and finally it happened. We somehow stumbled into a compromising position and we locked eyes. It was like one of those moments where you see something truly beautiful and captivating and you can’t help but ignore everything else around you. We looked into each other and I don’t even know why i did this but i leaned my head in to kiss her. She was surprised and at first pulled away but then she threw herself back into me and we had our first kiss. I still remember it to this day perfectly, every second accounted for in my memories. But they are only memories now as she is no longer in my life. That was 2 years ago, and now Cassie and I have been broken up for a little over a month. I haven’t had the time to talk to anyone about this, college keeps me extremely busy plus I don’t want to share my feelings with my friends, not out of fear of being made fun of, but because I just like to keep to myself. So I guess that is why I am writing on this website. A way to talk to people about what went wrong and how frustrating it was watching her self destruct on our relationship. I would have done anything for her. Of course at first we went through the honeymoon phase, staying in bed all day, being infatuated with one another. But then car something that was foreshadowing looking back on it. She showed slight jealousy towards girls I was friends with. These were girls I had known for years and had no intention of being in a relationship with. But anyway she slowly made me push them way if I wanted to keep her. This was where I wish I could stop myself and say, it isn’t worth it. Because after that first time of letting her manipulate me it only got wore and worse. I would do everything I could to make her happy. I spent almost every day with her, doing whatever she wanted to do. I know it sounds like i was whipped but in all honesty I would have done anything for her happiness, and that is what she slowly began to abuse. Never would we do anything I wanted to do. She only wanted to stay in, never go out to places. I put up with it because I loved her. But gradually as the relationship went on she became more manipulative, guilt tripping, and overall just not in love with me. Of course she would always tell me I was the love of her life. But she couldn’t show it. She belittled me in front of friends, was rude to my friends, and just overall a mean person to others in general. She never gave people even a chance to be her friend, only judgement crossed her mind. Finally this semester things became too much. I was under a tremendous amount of stress with classes and trying to balance her needs. She would cry everyday and say that I didn’t love her. But I did, more than she could understand I guess. I sacrificed time, friends, and potential friends all because it would plea her if I only talked to her and no other girls. Even then the crying didn’t stop. Everytime she came over she found something to yell at me about, or be condescending about. It was like living with someone who existed solely to point out my flaws and to complain about no toeing happy. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore I tried to break up with her. She started crying and wouldn’t leave my building. I had to stare into the eyes of this crying girl. The same eyes I locked with the first time we kissed, and I couldn’t go through with it I figured there had to be a way to make it work. So more time wen by and finally I knew the only way to end things was to try and talk to her again. The same thing happened. It was impossible for me to leave her there crying. It went against every instinct I had as a man to leave her there alone. I had to protect her and make her happy. Finally we did end up breaking up bc she sent me a text saying that she couldn’t be in a relationship with someone ho didn’t care about her. I was about to respond a huge text saying how could she think that but then i stopped, and elated the text. I thought about all the things I had done for her and and how I had never done anything for myself. That sounds selfish but when it all comes down to it, life is about finding happiness and mine was not with her. I haven’t talked to her since the break up and that was about a little over a month ago. She has sent me the occasional text but still I cannot respond. I know that if i talk to her again I wouldn’t be able to resist, but then I remember how horribly I was treated and used.It has been tough though. I do miss a lot of things about her but i have been able to reconnect with lost friends lately. I still think about her sometimes but I know what happened was right now. I just don’t understand what happened to her, how she changed so dramatically from a care free girl to a woman who seemed to despise me. I am angry and confused at her and at myself for letting all of this happen. I feel like I have lost time that I will never get back, opportunities that have long passed, and friendships that might have lasted a lifetime. I just don’t know if what happened was right or if it was supposed to help me grow. I just needed somewhere to put this and if you are reading, thank you. It matters to me that you have read my story, it really does.

-Kyle

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