Posted by Anonymous on 2019/05/29 under Life I never had real friends. Once I noticed having objects to create the illusion of glamour attracted, without having to do much work I went for it. This caused me to fall into a cycle of constant buying just for the sake of something new. But, this would not keep people around for long, so I chose another tactic. I realized if I offered the potential of a romance while appearing oblivious I could maintain attention for longer. This was all out of loneliness, I needed people but had no one so I went for what would the quickest and easiest solution. However, it wasn't always this way. Before this all I genuinely thought that the people around me cared. But, no they didn't. They would put on their smiles and be nice but they never were actually my friends. So I left it all and tried to start again, then found myself surrounded by guys. For sometime I believed that they were my friends since we had fun and would joke around. But then, they kept passing me around in pursuit of a romance/infatuation/lust(whatever it was) and when I could not give it to them they would leave and I belonged to the next guy. Then I realized what was happening around me, to them I was an object not a friend. So, I became what they wanted and kept going along with it because I didn't want to be lonely. This led to me becoming empty, I was a chameleon and void of real emotion. Then, they all left I suppose they had finally become bored and wanted something of depth. So I fell apart and felt so lost it was as if I fell into a pit of dark fog which I couldn't escape. And I had to pull myself out, I had no one and no one cared, to tell anyone so I could get help would have been to embarrassing. So, I got away from them all and immersed myself into the loneliness so I could find who I was again. I built myself back up piece by piece and found new interests, I then decided I would no longer be an object of the world and that wouldn't just be something to look at and if they didn't want something of depth I didn't want them. But I was still lonely, I had gone with the wrong people for so long and no longer knew how to change my ways. As I made progress I would fall back into old habits, and I still do. I try to forgive myself for my foolishness but I can't. I've come far but I still can't trust myself or others.