Posted by Anonymous on 2015/09/23 under Uncategorized Just when I thought you don’t care, you showed up in front of me and say hello – I was so happy. I gave you my warmest brightest dimpled smile. It was a shame we could not sit together in the event. But after you were seated, you got up and walked to my seat and asked how things were going. I was actually quite moved by that little gesture. Thanks for showing some care. I thought I was going to back down and disappear into the background, not trying to occupy any time from your super-busy schedule. But to my surprise, you appeared in front of me and asked about things. Thanks. Somehow I feel that in the entire place, you are the only one who cares. In my quite isolated world, you are the only person that offers bits of support from time to time. Even though that care may be a little bit and not much. But I’m grateful. In the past, I tended to update you on how things are going. But since two months ago I stopped doing that because I don’t want to bombard you with emails. I don’t want you to hate me because I keep sending things. So I backed off. I don’t want to give you trouble. But the funny thing is, I do notice that, every time I start to drift away, you reach out. How funny. These are like cycles recurring time after time. When I am there all the time, I feel that I’m troubling you and you don’t really care. I don’t want to be clingy so I feel that I need to back off. When I start to turn away, you come to me and check if things are OK. It feels a bit like a game. I don’t quite know how to maintain the balance, so that I don’t feel bothering you, and you don’t need to get back my attention when I stroll off… Perhaps there is a cyclical rhythm in any type of interpersonal connections. I don’t know. When you can’t keep your promise, I feel a bit disappointed. But I am mature enough to not feel angry. Because you are simply way too busy. I understand that you need to skip appointments from time to time. And honestly, I don’t want to scold you or say bad things or look miserable. Because I simply understand you need to do other things too. So I act quite stoic, like, OK, so you can’t be here this time. And carry on with what I need to do. Things are less interesting without you around, but I pull them through anyway. I’ve grown more mature to handle more, sometimes some challenging situations. I never complain that you’re not here, or give you temper. Perhaps exactly because of this, as if driven by guilt, you sometimes show MORE care after each of these missed appointments. I noticed you do try to get some other things done for me. I find that interesting. You don’t really have to make up for the missed appointments because I understand. But it’s comforting to know you are kind of sweet. 🙂 Well, enough is enough. We can’t be together anyway, so some distance is necessary. If, one day, I turn away, and I notice you’re not trying to get me back, I can’t be sad. Because from the start, we are not meant to be. So it’s natural that there is no end or no future.