I keep realizing my fear of forming any form of close relationships. No, even telling someone something about myself frightens me.I come off as a very open and outgoing person, but really, I’ve become afraid of deep friendships. Of deep conversations. I hate small talk, but it seems that is all I can do for now. I now choose friends that I can keep at arms length, but is that true friendship? Same with love. I want to talk to them and not feel this huge fear run through my body, but it’s impossible. I want to make online friends as well, but I can’t because if I’m not anonymous I feel afraid.
I haven’t yet faced my fears, my sins, so until then I’m immobile.
I keep telling myself being alone is inevitable and that I should just feel at peace. I like being alone.
But still, even for one moment, I want to just talk to someone about anything and not feel afraid. I wish I could talk to him, but I’m afraid. When I talk to someone, all I see are demons.
Aw D: Boy, that really is troublesome.. Truth be told, I’ve grown to be like that myself ^^; Well, to an extent I suppose.. I used to be quite outgoing, but as time went on and I ended middle school, and then throughout high school, I got rather shy and nervous around others. I worried about what I said, how to feel and react. I fear others, I’m soft spoken and nervous to comment. Then when others ask to hang out, I deny on the spot, trying to give reason and excuse myself when, in reality, I’m completely free to hang out. This causes me to lose friends easily, as I’ve gradually drifted away from them. Even when on Youtube, I’m afraid to post a comment many times.
I’m sorry this comment is getting quite long, but it has its purpose. To make such a long story short, I’ve realized over time to not be so afraid. It’s kinda like that YOLO thing, You Only Live Once. I understand it’s quite cliche, but there lies a deeper meaning.. Life is a thing we only have one of, and even when we get nervous around society, we must leap forward into it. Let loose our wings and soar above it, close our eyes and yet keep them wide open, to show that we don’t care of what they say and will let it pass through us, but we want our voices to be heard as well, even if the volume is dimmed.
Even now, I find difficulty making deep friendships, however I’ve found one in my relationship of almost 3 years now 🙂 Sometimes all you need is one person. One person to get you on track, and then to give you the confidence to soar.
I’m sorry if this comment wasn’t all you hoped it would be, but I hope it helped, even if just a bit. The internet can be a way to kind of disguise ourselves in a way. To put up a shield so we can let ourselves out. It requires some defense from bad comments, but starting small is better than not starting at all 🙂 I’ve had my share of negative comments, but how we feel about ourselves inside is what matters the most.
Best of luck in gaining your social confidence, you’re not alone. 🙂
No, I appreciate the very long post. In fact, I find it very nice that you take your time to reply in such depth. Actually, I wanted to thank you awhile back because you replied to my posts a long time ago (and I replied to your post a long time ago too, about your family and your desire to be a writer. I remember you because you reminded me of my past self). Although in my situation, I think it has worked backwards. I was outgoing when I was young as well, but later turned shy- probably until my high school years. Now, I’m quite outgoing and very outspoken (almost to the point where I come of as rude unfortunately…I don’t mean it though. I try to be nice!). But I tend to avoid any close relationships. The problem isn’t that I can’t make friends, its that I can’t keep them. There’s always something telling me to stay away form them.Until last year, I could open up very easily and thrived in deep conversations. But that ended when I…went through an OCD stage (long story).Anyway, now every time I see someone get emotionally attached to me and my deep conversations, I freeze and run away. It’s complicated to explain, but your comment did help. The stories are different, but your message helped me still. Thank you.