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Posted by on 2013/03/16 under Uncategorized

I am a strong person. Everyone I know has at one point or another told me so and I know it to be true. But there are 2 things that I struggle with: Love and Sex. I am a VERY positive, emotional, and loving person. I consider myself to be happy a good 85%+ of the time. But when I think of relationships, I can’t help but cry. I want to find that person that fits me as perfectly as I fit them. I know they’re out there somewhere. Waiting, searching, and dating all these people in the mean time is killing me though. I want to be with somebody so badly. I want to make somebody happy. I want to wake up in the morning and know that there is a person in the world who loves me unconditionally like my family does and would do anything to make me happy. I am scared that I will never find them. I am scared that the love I’m looking for doesn’t exist. And then there are my sexual desires. I think about sex constantly but I can’t bring myself to masturbate. I want another person to have sex with, not a novelty item or my hand. I love the feeling of having another person’s body on top of mine, of another person’s hand tracing my skin. It is intoxicating. I had sex with my ex recently after a few days of rekindling our relationship, but the following morning ended along with the relationship once again. I do not want to be with him but I think about the sex and it makes me contemplate calling him up for the night. I feel that I am too physical too quickly with people. I have noticed also that all of my relationships have ended within 2 weeks of having sex. I do not know whether it is because the other person changes, or if I am the one that changes. I am afraid that one night my bottled up sexual frustrations will get the better of me and I will succumb to promiscuity or I will have sex with my ex knowing nothing will develop. The worst part about my sexual drive is that it intensifies after I have sex. The images and feelings running through my body are very intense now, but the few days after having sex are painful. I think about it twice as much and feel my urges more frequently. All of this being said, I am still a strong person. I find myself making the “right” decisions: I do not call up my ex; I do not sleep with random people; I do not stop dating because of my fears; and I do not give up on love. I know that I am doing everything the best way possible, but sometimes I wish I could just say F*** THIS S*** and not deal with the consequences. I write because I let out all of my emotional and sexual frustrations this way so that they don’t build up and my rational thinking doesn’t become clouded. What I want to hear is “Call him up and have sex! Who cares!” but that will only make things harder. I love my life as a whole, but these moments do take a toll on me.

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