Love Work Family Friends Games Kids Life

Posted by on 2013/02/25 under Uncategorized

I’m neither happy or sad about my life anymore, I just feel like I’m there right in the middle of not knowing anything at all. In a way I just feel useless, that no one really understands me, yet I know they’ve gone through the same thing. Why don’t I begin as to why I feel this way?

Since the beginning I was always that quiet person in the back that most people forgot, even my teachers called me a ‘ghost’ when they talked to my parents when I was in elementary school. I never really had real friends since I wasn’t one to socialize due to anxiety, and shyness. During all this, my parents were in the rough as they were getting a divorce from each other. I never really said anything to them, and rather kept everything in since I didn’t want to get involved in anything.

My middle school years is when everything seemed to downfall, my father remarried without inviting me to his wedding, and my mother was seeing someone else. A man I greatly dislike, but not necessarily hate since he hasn’t done anything to me to make feel that way. I guess I just didn’t want to leave the past when everything seemed ‘perfect’. Also during this time period, I was going through depression like any other child would go through when being a part of a divorce. School was going okay, I making new friends that I enjoyed being with, but still had a hard time trusting in since I never really had true one’s. In middle school things went by like a blur, making me not remember somethings, and then at the end of my eighth grade year, things went down hill once more.

High school was when everything in my life messed up, I have no clue whether or not it was due to hormones, or the simple fact of me wanting to be lost in my imagination all the time. I don’t know, somethings are still blurry to me…. It was freshman year when I felt like I was going insane, I knew a lot of people, and a lot of people knew me since I was the kind ’emo’ looking girl with the a-cut, skinny jeans, and that always wore a black sweater. I started making new friends during this time, and loosing some, this of course being common amongst all teens. Right when everything was going right, it went wrong. I don’t want to explain the details of it, but I just did something I shouldn’t have done, causing my mother to lose trust in me. After that event I switched to a different school, in the town I live in, during the last months of the second semester of ninth grade. Once again I went back into my shell of solitude and started gaining weight due to being depressed.

I kept telling myself that I didn’t need friend’s, but in reality I was afraid of being alone. I was always alone, from the beginning of when I was child {me being an only child}, to the present time. I know people will tell me to just suck everything up and live with it, since it’s normal for a teenager to feel like this, but I don’t know. My mother, who likes to be in control of everything always tells me to stop acting like a baby and start acting like an adult. I very much do, but sometimes the wounds of the past don’t like to leave my mind, no matter how hard I try to forget.

Two years ago I went to Texas to visit my family, while I was there I had a lot of fun, and was more happy seeing my family since my grandma had became sick. Out of all of my family, my grandma is the best person I have ever met in my life by the way, more so then my mother or father. Out of all of my memories the one’s with her in it are the one’s that are clear as day. Anyways, soon after that visit I came back home, only to receive a comment a week later from my mother that I was like a dirty pig, simply because I hadn’t washed my dishes. She then started telling me how everything was a lot better when I wasn’t around since things were cleaner. That is when I started to not like her.

A few months later we moved to a different house, and things once again started getting bad with my mother and I. She started telling me I was a worthless person, that I will be nothing in the future, and that I would be alone forever. All because I never made my bed or picked up my text books from the floor of my room. The one day I accidently broke a shower curtain holder, and I told her about it when she asked what was taking me so long. She started yelling at me, calling me a dumb fat lesbian whore, and tried to hit me with the metal stick.

I don’t hate or love her, she’s to me, just a person who will soon get of my life once I’m older and have a stable job to support myself. Its just the way she is towards me makes me just want to curl up and disappear from humanity. I’m not a lesbian, I love guys. I’m not dumb, if I were dumb I would have never made it to high school, or any school for that matter. All she ever does is complain to me. I know its a normal thing, but I wish she would just stop. She is always going on about how I need to lose weight, and ow I need to stop typing made up stories on the internet and get a life. I understand what she means, but the more she bugs me, the less I will listen to her since this is my life.

Being raised in a christian family, I was taught to never back talk an elder, making me hold everything I feel about her, and everyone around me. They always think that I’m happy since I’m easy going, and don’t care about the world around me, but I’m not. All they see is an illusion of someone who has been wounded with sadness, hate, and anger, but only wants to make others happy. All I do is good things since I believe a good deed a day will make karma go away, which isn’t true. No matter how many good things I do, I get repaid with something ten times worst then good.

My life is a nightmare I wake up to everyday, I rather just go back to dreaming an illusion of a prefect world where life isn’t all that bad, but more normal. I know I shouldn’t complain about this since others have it worst then me, but it makes me question why God has exactly placed people in families like this. Maybe once I go to college, I can forget everything except for the family members I actually love. I want to change how they all viewed me, I want to show them they were all wrong since most of my family members believe I will have no true friends in my life or a significant other. To me its sad a family thinks that they way to their own relative.

Thank you for reading this as it makes me feel a little better inside.

Leave a Reply

Name and Mail are optional. Your email address is however required if you want to subscribe to the comments (see below)

This site uses User Verification plugin to reduce spam. See how your comment data is processed.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.