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Posted by on 2013/02/22 under Uncategorized

It was a long day, longer then one i can remember in a long time but at the same time went by so quickly. I found myself doing what i always do when im upset. i push people away, or am rude to the people im closest to. My mother died 3 years ago today, i wasn’t exactly close with her. to be honest i have never been close with much of my family. the last happy memory i can think of is just before i was 9 years old, Im 26 now.
The worst part of the day was that i was out for a jog at about 11 a night before i realized this, i couldn’t put my finger on why i was so angry so sad. i damn near burst into tears on my roommate. Lucky to have a friend like that. I know she cares or at least i think she does but sometimes it feels like my words and actions fall of deaf ears. The other roommate i have simply thinks i need to validate out friendship. and i know we are, but most of the time it feels like he doesn’t care. which is fine, i wouldnt want to burden anyone with my problems anyway.
back to the girl roommate. the worst part of it all is i asked her a simple question a day or so ago and i feel like its been blown way out of proportion. I asked why we weren’t dating and she gave me some excuse to be nice im sure, but honesty was always more appealing to me, other then lying to my face(or at least being felt lied to) simply its not making it much easier and feels a bit awkward at times. And i know this part is going to sound a little lame but it would be nice just for once to be close without the withdraw, i feel like im diseased or something of that nature but then again i could understand trying not to send mixed singles even though i get it, just annoying i guess. i just wish she would find a boyfriend already.
bit of a side tangent there, but i digress. today was more then difficult, when it your thoughts, your life and sometimes even the world are on your shoulders and your just trying to stay afloat you feel like your drowning. Its like gasping for air when theres air all around you. being hungry in front of a feast and not being able to eat it, living and not being alive…. where does it start.
She may not have been a big part of my life, or the best mother but she was still my mom and i miss her. glad today is over.
Last but not least i know they will never see this but thank you Sarah, Alfred and Bailey. Closest thing i got to a family right now.

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