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Posted by on 2013/02/01 under Uncategorized

Does anyone even care anymore? Probably not. I’ve made so many mistakes, I probably deserve the lonely void that my life has become. When I was younger, I was that popular girl in school. You know the one. That pretty, smart girl who thought the whole world revolved around her? Yeah, that b****. That was me. Prom queen, Captain of the dance team; my entire life was a cliche. And then I met him. Its funny, I was walking across the field because I forgot my bag at the bleachers, when I was knocked completely over, right in the mud. I didn’t know who did it, I just knew that someone was about to get an earful from the royal b**** I was. And then he was there. Then my eyes met his, and my anger faded away. He apologized profusely, and he has this smile. This smile that made me nervous around a guy for the first time I could remember. I just told him to watch where he kicked his soccer ball. He offered to take me out for ice cream to make it up to me. And he did, and we became friends. I wanted more, of course, but he already had a girlfriend. And she was beautiful too and had a beautiful soul, just like him. In some moments of jealousy I would feel like I deserved him, as I was the “prettier” one. But I knew in my heart I didn’t want anything to happen to him and his beautiful relationship. For the first time I actually cared about someone enough to put their wants above my own. When he left for college, I was a senior, but he did a wonderful job of keeping in touch with his friends. That’s how he was, his friends came first, even me. He would always take me out for ice cream when he visited. And I still loved him. Always.
I got the news when I was touring the University I was to start at the next fall. I had been so excited, picking sororities and a place to live. And then I got the call that changed my life.
I saw his girlfriend at the funeral. We didn’t say much, she just hugged me as we cried together. That was the last time I saw many of my friends. When my first semester started, I spent the first week crying my eyes out in my room. I’m sure my room mate thought I was some sort of freak. It felt like an entire part of me was missing. It felt like my heart was missing. I can’t make a friend, because I can hardly hold a conversation anymore. Sometimes I think back about myself in High school. How much I cared about my looks, and the looks of others. How b****y I could get over the smallest things. Its funny how people change. During that first week of college I had to make a choice, make up, or crying. So my mascara has been collecting dust for quite a while now. That person I was, hardly even makes sense to me anymore. Sometimes I wonder how such a wonderful person, with such a pure heart could spend time with me, the most superficial person in the world. But that was part of his beauty. He saw the good in everyone. Even me.
So now, I’m sitting alone in this coffee shop on campus, on my 4th cup of coffee, at the very end of my week. I should be out with my friends, but instead I’m here. Alone. Since he left me, my entire life has fallen apart. Any time a person tries to be friendly with me, I can’t even keep up the conversation, like I’m some sort of Socially challenged freak. To think that falling in the mud a few years ago, actually changed my entire life. His life was worth so much more than mine, and yet I’m still here. I don’t know if I will ever understand what has happened to me, what has changed within me, but I do know where it came from. I am in love with a ghost. I’m letting my life fall apart over something that was never even truly mine. And I don’t regret it. I know he is worth it. I know that I am not.

2 thoughts on “Is anyone out there listening?

  1. christiana says:

    i tried to listen, but your writing was so long, i didn’t want to read anymore

  2. Anonymous says:

    I had a lot to say, that I haven’t been able to say. My room mate told me that writing sometimes can help people deal with their problems. I’m not so sure about that. But thank you for attempting to care.

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