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Posted by on 2013/01/26 under Uncategorized

I wish I was comfortable just talking to someone who actually cares about me about what’s really going on in my head. Everyone looks at me and says how pretty I am, how I’m a sweetheart, how I give and never ask. But it just makes me sick to my stomach. I can’t see what they’re talking about. I know what I’m really like. I feel so ugly inside. And I think I’m starting to lose my ability to hide it. I’ve wanted to just disappear for years. But there is always something that stops me. It feels like fear. I just don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m going. It’s like I can see my whole life laid out in front of me. Pathetic jobs, failed marriage, f***ed up kids, and me being a bad mom and wife while getting progressively crazier. I just don’t see the point. I feel like I’m trying so hard each day. I think if I just act a little more sweet or dress cuter or lose weight then my day has to go better. But everyday I fail. I feel so empty inside. So dead. It may not look like I’m trying hard enough. I lost my job and now am just a waitress at a diner and drink constantly. But to be honest, I try so hard. But all my energy goes into just doing the simplest things. Getting out of bed, trying to function through the day drains me. It feels like a constant fight with the side of me that just wants to give up. So at the end of the day I can’t find the strength to do my art or something that is supposed to make my life worth something more. I feel f***ing crazy. It’s like I’m watching myself drown. Every night I go home and dream about those pills in my drawer. I guess I end up not wanting to die. I just can’t let go of what I thought my life would be like since I was little. I can’t accept everything went to s***. And all I want to do is cry and get it out. I haven’t been able to really cry in years. I’m just so exhausted.

One thought on “I wish I could cry

  1. Anonymous says:

    What you need to do my dear, is live in the now. Who the hell cares about where you will in a year, or even tomorrow? The real way to change is to concentrate in the exact moment and stop worrying and fearing the future. You are in charge of that. Emotions are important and it is ok to cry. Tell yourself that. Stand in front of the mirror and say,”It is ok to cry and have other feelings because I am human.” Do small, simple things to get your life back on track. Pay close attention to detail, like counting your steps from your bed to the bathroom. Or finding the color blue when you are feeling stressed and concentrate on it. Please just live in the now because life happens fast. Good Luck. .xx

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