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Posted by on 2013/01/13 under Friends

It’s such an awful feeling and dangerously close to love. In one way it appears to be the opposite, but on the other hand, nothing seems to be able to ignite this feeling quite like love does. And at the bottom of it is just grief. So in one way hate is born out of love and grief. The worst part of it is, while hate can make you determined to show that you’re worth something, whatever you might achieve will go by unnoticed by the ones you hate. Your revenge plan, that you’ll show that you don’t need the ones you once held dear, won’t be visible to anyone but yourself. It’s all one sided. The ones you hate probably don’t spend half the time thinking as much about you as you do about them. You are the one losing out. The one losing the most, while making everyone around you uncomfortable. It’s a dull ache inside that emerges once in a while. Whenever someone speaks of hardships or asks you if you have anything in your life that weighs you down, you think of your pain. But while you try to do something about it, like talking about your feelings, confront the people involved or surpress it, nothing seems to work. In the end there is only one way: To escape.
That usually solves it. You fight with a former friend, no one feels like they’ve done anything wrong and you part ways. Done. But what if the person or persons that really hurt you are best friends with almost all your friends or with a family member? If their inflicted pain wasn’t intentional, so that they wouldn’t seem like such monsters in other’s eyes? When you can’t remove them from your life without having to remove your other friends? Or even a family member? They start to attend or are already attending all the parties and other events with your friends. Suddenly you can’t go to those events. You would only risk sitting in the bathroom bawling your eyes out, while the others have fun and you would at least ruin the good mood of one of your friends, who noticed you feeling down. Only seeing the persons you hate rouse pain in you, since you think about how they hurt you. You don’t want it to be that way. You hate yourself for being like that. If only we could shut off our feelings sometimes. Maybe we wouldn’t hurt each other so much.

Another awful pain is seeing how your dearest friends have fun with the people that reduced you into this spiteful pile of misery. Some of them even being aware of what the persons did and still not caring. “Everyone should get along with everyone”. That’s the flower power slogan most people love to use. It’s beautiful but simply not possible. And because you don’t want to be, or even have the power to be, the hateful person, that make your friends choose between you and the persons you hate, you choose to leave on your own accord. Leaving the bubble of people that are infiltrated by the ones that hurt you so bad.

Sometimes that works. But running away from your problems only makes you forget about your problems. They are still there. Sometimes you are even reminded of it through facebook. You catch glimpes of your former friends on pictures with the ones you hate. And you realize that they are better off without you. You and your feelings were just a burden.

To admit hating someone is scary. It sounds so low. So spiteful. It probably is. But it doesn’t always have to do with jealousy, or wanting to kill someone.
It can be a lot more harmless.
In my case it has to do with feeling replaced by one of the people I cared for most in the world. I was replaced with people who were more interesting. And at the end I was seen as the person, who egoistically tried to keep people apart by simply hurting. I never thought that anyone intentionally tried to hurt me. People just wanted to have fun and didn’t care or maybe didn’t even see that they trampled on my feelings and pushed me away. I did not tell them to stop hanging out. They just noticed that I was hurting by being replaced.
That still haunts me and I simply can’t forgive and forget.
In the end, before anger or any other feelings I’m simply devastated. In my heart I’m not like the evil stepmother in Snow white, who doesn’t seem to feel anything but rage and wishing death upon people. I feel more like a devastated child, that had to seek refuge in myself in order not to keep hurting myself or others. This is of course not how I feel all the time. But it’s scary to know that there is this kind of side in me that awakens from time to time. I still don’t know if this pain will slowly go to an endless slumber someday or if something in my life will change, so I won’t have to carry this in me.
Hate is a scary thing. Millions of people go through something similar to this. Some have experience and some are just beginning. Some might even graduate from their hate right now.
I myself don’t know yet what I’ve learned from this but I hope that I someday will come to an understanding. Until then I’ll try to bury this side deep in my heart and hope to forget about it.
If anyone else has feelings like these I wish you all the luck in the world and patience. Hopefully we’ll all be able to gain happiness that lasts in due time.
I want to believe that everything will turn out alright eventually. I know it will in one way or another.

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