Posted by Anonymous on 2013/11/16 under Uncategorized I am writing a story of what has happened to me because it has been eating me for a while and I wish to share this with others as an outlet but also as a message to those who find it difficult to open up. 4 years ago, I would often visit my friend Adam at his University. We always had a great time because his place was very popular, many of my other friends went there and we would meet up as a group going to a party in the local town or at the union. I used to be a shy. I was so conscious of what others thought of me and tried to make friends even if they didn’t reciprocate. At times I was reserved because I was worried if I said anything that wasn’t clever or funny, they others would think badly of me. But with Adam by my side, his confidence radiated onto me and I felt I could do more, happily meet new people and do something new outside of my comfort zone. During my time of visiting him, I become close friends with a girl called Ash. We had very little in common in terms of interests but I found her very easy to talk to and we had similar opinions. It would later become the norm that Adam, Ash and I would meet up each time I visited and we became a trio. One weekend I went to see Adam, we invited Ash to go to a local club and she asked if she could bring her house friends. Adam and I hadn’t met any of them at this point and were happy for them to come. Adam and I got to the club a little later, and Ash was already inside with her friends. We made our way in and spotted Ash through the crowd of people. As we came closer I saw the group of people she was dancing with and I saw a face I recognised but did not know. Ash introduced me to the girl and her name was Gemma, we used to go to the same college but she was in the year below so I never had the chance to meet her. Whilst looking at Gemma I couldn’t help but smile, even whilst writing this I smile to myself and my heart grows. She is incredibly beautiful, her eyes are full of life, excitement and happiness. Her smile would make others smile even if they were holding a heavy burden. She was animated, expressed herself through all movements in her body and was not concerned what others may think. This is not to say she was offensive, but that she enjoyed life. I was transfixed and knew I had to talk to her. I am not the kind of person who likes to stay out past midnight usually but it felt time had sped on and it was 3:00am when the club closed. I sank because I thought this was the end of the evening but Ash and her friends invited Adam and me back to theirs where we carried on talking until 7:00am. The buzz I felt from talking to Gemma kept me wide away and only after I got back did it hit me how tired I was. Luckily I had got her number earlier and after we text for weeks after and occasionally met up. After almost a month, we decided to make it official. I was so happy and my feelings grew. I felt the kind of happiness where I wanted to see her every single day and I would drive to hers at mid-night to see her for a few minutes. She was always happy, kind, caring, intimate and wanted to do something, whether it was going for drinks, going to the cinema, visiting somewhere or trying something new. We were so happy together. Things changed over time because I was not able to control my mind about being overly conscious of what others thought of me. Her friends at University didn’t appear to like me, maybe because Gemma was spending more time with me rather than them. Her father didn’t appear to like me because he is known to be overly protective over his daughters. However she was close to them all and I tried to be friends with them or find common ground but they didn’t always appear interested. I find it difficult to express myself. I kept my thoughts and feelings about the others not liking me locked away from Gemma because I didn’t want to ruin our relationship. However these seeped out and our relationship started taking a downward spiral. I wouldn’t open up but found her frustrating because she didn’t understand me, yet in reality it was because I didn’t talk to her about what I felt. Our relationship was on a slippery slope, we drifted apart from each other and eventually broke up. After all the difficult conversations, arguments and emotional roller coaster I felt relieved to be independent, not having to be so concerned with somebody else’s diary or life. I was selfish for a while after, only doing what I wanted and I relished in the freedom. But no matter how much fun I was having, my mind kept going back to Gemma and it still does. I have dated another girl for almost a year but after we broke up and even before we got together, my mind was with Gemma. As I was the one who broke up with Gemma, I feel it is very unfair of me to go back to her even after this time but I can’t get her out of my head. I do not believe at love at first sight or that there is only one person out there for everyone, but I do believe once you have found somebody, if you let them go, they can be the ‘one that got away’. My mind is racing around, my ideas and morals battling deciding if it would be bad to go back to her. Would it be unfair on her? Or would I be letting somebody go which if I didn’t give it a shot? I have such strong feelings for that even after almost 3 years of not seeing or talking, I would still want to see in the blink of an eye. At this point I have messaged her to see how she is and we are talking a little. That is all I can hope for at the moment and maybe over time build a friendship if nothing else. But my message to others out there is please open up, even if you feel uncomfortable or worried it may damage what you already have because I can honestly say, the biggest regret in life I have is not being able to open up and share my thoughts with a friend or loved one.