Posted by Anonymous on 2013/11/12 under Uncategorized to tell you the truth things r looking up a bit right now. better job, getting to know my brother(despite dads leaving), life seems to b getting going for me.
but thats all external issues. i have an unusual but severe debilitation. its not physical or mental so much as it is a matter of circumstance.u see from when i was a child i spent so much time on video games that it not only stunted my growth it outright prevented it. i didnt interact with people, so i am uncomfortable around them. i am not just shy but anxious and i dont really have any input to use to engage in conversation even if not for being shy. so i sit there wishing i could be comfortable and involved.all the while being frustrated about it. then i get angry and i cant do anything about it so i start hurting. then i cut or drink.
then theres the fact that lack of interaction left me very innocent passive nieve and vulnerable. so things hit me harder. at 19 i did something to end up in prison( for me like going to bed a child still innocent, full of fantasy ant the world is full of good and love, sensitive, nieve about the world and very vulnerable) and waking up to violent people. and then i got raped.i tried to end my life. i still may
lack of living has left me uncoordinated its not so much that i cant do well at stuff as i am unable to stop screwing up in so many little ways. i am constantly screwing up in small ways and getting absolutly pissed with myself because im not able to be coordinted at all really. i hear ur thoughts dont sweat the small stuff but enough small weight still adds up to an over burden. so its not about any one thing. its about i keep screwing up so much. its hard to keep saying oh well when u keep getting slapped with screw up after screw up. it will start to bother u more and more.
my dad keeps saying move on. u cant just up and move on from this kind of thing. its not something thats in the past its here now. it keeps coming up. i have to learn before i can move on because only then will i be able to get involved in life and stop screwing up. meanwhile its like waiting for the grass to grow while ur suffering and dying. learning takes time all the while im still trying to deal and suffering. i may never b able to function very good. im trying but i have for along time now been making attempts on my life here and there cutting drinking and i really dont want to try. i want to go back to the way i was back to games and fantasy innocence believing the world is a good place or better yet forget this world and all the negative that goes with it. because i already had pandoras box forcefully opened for me. there is no going back.
so in the end so much that u take for granted imagine if u couldnt speak. u would suffer loss of oppurtunities. all those conversations u had with friends never would have happened. etc. if u couldnt stand up for urself u would just have to suffer with whatever people did.and if ur like me u get harassed no questions about it. “ooh look an easy target”
f*** it here goes.