Posted by Anonymous on 2012/11/25 under Uncategorized If I could just put all the pictures that are in my head right now on paper… I would have the most emotional photo album of all time… At least emotional for me… I’m sure everyone has one like that in their minds. All of mine are from my home… the real home… the one that will always be there in my heart even though it doesn’t exist in real life any more… And even though the flat I lived in is gone… home is not just the place where I lived, the room, the house… It feels like the whole country is my home now… Like I’ve finally opened my eyes and realized how much it really meant to me. I have perspective on life now, on the things that matter. The things that matter are the things you lose, because you don’t realize what you have until you lose them. I had to learn that the hard way, I guess everyone does… The pictures would be of the snowy Latvian winters, of cars by the house and snowy streets… Kids messing around in the yard and one of them is me. You can never truly forget someone who you’ve loved… the feeling never goes away… You think your over it, but all it takes is a song to bring it all back… The fact that your current environment is so different makes it even harder to forget because all you do is compare… Not that the place your at is bad… it’s just not the same. And in your conscience you understand that you were little and these things shouldn’t matter because your almost grown up, but you just can’t help but think of the feeling you missed out on. There is no way back… I could just buy a ticket and go, but there is no point, every-things changed, the people that were all my life have moved on and are fine without me. Another thought that makes my heart bleed. The fear you have of never feeling like that again… It makes you rethink every mistake and every moment of my life I spent with those people and there are too many regrets already in my life, I feel ashamed.
It is so confusing when you miss the feelings that aren’t there any more, the people that aren’t the same any more, the places that aren’t yours any more. Still you know that this is an opportunity that not everyone gets in their life, I know that financially I’m better here and that without this experience I would have never understood the real value of the things I had. From one side I’m grateful for this enlightening, but on the other hand… I would never want anyone to feel the pain that I felt. Even though I have friends and family here the loneliness doesn’t go away. Now I know what is belonging. I belonged back home, but now, I don’t feel like home here and I know that there is no way back. It’s a dead end. Only now I know what I had, but it’s too late. You don’t know how to act any more because you feel silly for grieving for a child’s memories and still feel bad for not being there. What will I tell my children, my grandchildren, if Ill have any, when they’ll ask me about my childhood? That I left everything behind, probably missed out on the love of my life, which sounds funny because I was so young, I missed the fun things about childhood, the teenage life. First club with friends… The nature that means so much to me now… I left it all… I just hope everyone would understand what they have before they lose it because nothing is eternal…