Posted by Anonymous on 2015/07/24 under Uncategorized Dear P. It seems that it happened again. The feeling I once had for you faded away. The attraction that I once felt, the strong magnetism of your person, and the magic effect it once had on me seemed to disappear. And that time it was very fast, indeed. Truth must be said: you woke me up from my numbness, you reignited my internal fire and helped me find a place for who I am in this crazy world of ours. And I will be eternally in debt with you, even though you might not even realise the impact you had had on me and all the transformations you triggered within me. Call it what you want: infatuation, attraction, or even love; my “protective” mechanism simply got rid of it. I would probably not sustain another huge love deception, not after what I forced myself to do in the past. Killing one’s image and what he represented to me was just too much. I destroyed myself in that process and I reckon I never recovered. And chances are that I will never recover, for much that I killed in the past included who I once have been. You see, P, I am not prepared to face you. I am not ready to confess it to you, and that devilish mechanism that continuously erase my feelings to avoid my own destruction has taken over you and what you represented (and perhaps still represents, if the erasing process is yet to be completed). Nonetheless, it is the desire to protect you from that dark part of mine, from the few demons I am yet to slave, that I do what I do. It is hard to me, but I guess I never wondered too much about my own safety as long as those I like are safe and can live their lives in a proper way. And I will be very glad if you move away and leave me behind. I am almost imploring you to do so. Just don’t give any indication that I matter to you, for it confuses me a lot. This is the part I don’t understand, and perhaps scare me to death. When I look to the mirror, all I see are eyes devoid of life returning the stare, an empty shell, numb, broken and scattered inside. Don’t look to me just to see something else, for I will not follow your perspective. Anyway, I will be eternally grateful for what you’ve done to me. My image, my own self, is something I will need to deal with in a daily basis until I uncover what people are seeing when they look to me, for it is clearly different from what I see. You helped me very much, and even though you probably don’t realise all of this, I will be eternally grateful to you. I hope you live your life to the fullest, and find love, and peace and someone that deserves you. Z.