Somewhere To Write

Posted by Anonymous on 2015/07/22 under Uncategorized

I’m 19 and I feel like throughout those years I’ve had something missing, like a hollow spot in my chest. I grew up with depression, not really realizing it until middle school when I started getting bullied. I went through an emo/punk phase to try and fit in with the rest of the cool kids but never had their attention. The only times I was noticed was when I had straightened my hair (I have curly hair) but I had came to a realization that people liked me for what they wanted to see and not for who I was. I graduated 8th grade, happy knowing that I can finally have a fresh start and know new people and maybe have people to like me for who I was, and I did. I met great friends. The only problem was, my high school years, I had girl problems. I talked to girls and ended up getting f***ed over. I dated a friend that I’ve known since we were freshman, in my sophomore year. Things went great. I experienced oral sex with her for the first time. So you can already imagine how much of an attachment I grew with her. A few months later (no more than 3) she liked some other guy and broke up with me. I swear, it was like hell. Every morning I woke up to take a shower with such agony in my heart, going to school and being in school was such A drag, seeing her in the halls made me want to kill myself. Everything about my last months as a sophomore year sucked. That’s when I started doing weed, to get over my ex. It helped a bit in the beginning but then things started getting worse up until my senior year. I started getting more depressed and even when I was high I kept thinking about suicidal thoughts. I even almost killed myself in the school parking lot inside my car. I was too high to go to school so I stayed in my car until my high lowered a bit. But being inside that car, with negative thoughts and feeling claustrophobic, I kept thinking about suicide and started holding my breath to stop my heart beat. I could’ve sworn I kept seeing a light every time I got to a slow heart beat but I kept stopping myself because I didn’t have the courage to take my life away. So I decided to go to school. Then I met a sophomore girl in my senior year, she wasn’t the prettiest but she wasnt the ugliest either, it was just something about her that attracted me. I talked to her with the intention to only kick it with her but turned out that I had grown feelings for her. Then after 2 or 3 months that we talked, I had found out that she was talking to someone else Before I had came in to talk to her. So I asked her straight up if she was still talking to that guy and then she told me she was. So I decided to end things at that same moment. Couple weeks later, she ended being in a relationship. I was depressed again. I didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t do weed because I was scared of tripping and ending committing suicide. I couldnt talk to any other girl because of my low self-esteem and because I was scared of things not working out. so I let time do it’s thing. A few months later, the same sophomore chick that I was talking to was single and I wasn’t so sure if I should’ve approached to her again. Even though she was the one who blew me off in the first place. so I ended talking to her again. Things went great, she realized how she messed up and how much I ment to her. It felt great knowing that she felt the way she did towards me. We haven’t dated because I was trying to take things slow with her, especially because I wanted to gain trust with her parents. But we did everything. We hung out once in awhile, went to see the boy’s soccer team from our school play games, I went to go see her play in her soccer games, she came to my prom, we did a bunch of things. Not big things but for me they were. We’ve been talking for more than a year now, (since 2014) but a few months ago we kept getting into arguments. I guess it was because I started them but then again idk. I just wanted to have a day where we could talk about our problems and what bothered us from one another but she never gave me that day. She went to the school volleyball games and hung with her friends but when it came to hanging out with me, she didn’t even try. so she came up with the idea of taking a break. I didn’t even try to tell her that wasn’t a good idea but it didn’t matter. I just agreed with her. And you would think she would feel s***ty af but that’s where you’re wrong, she didn’t. She went to Mexico for her summer vacation so she obviously had her mind occupied. She stayed there for 2 weeks or so and had came back. this was about 3 or 4 weeks ago that she’d come back but I haven’t talked to her at all. And now I just found out today that she’s in a relationship with some guy from Mexico And now I don’t know what I should feel. Idk. I really don’t know. We’ll see what happens from here on out. I doubt anybody will read this but at least I feel a bit better writing all this s*** down.

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