Posted by Anonymous on 2015/06/02 under Uncategorized This is something emotional to me..and I decided to write kind of a short story with it **These are all real events and dates that’s happened in the past of April 2014 – April 2015** **I am changing names cause I don’t want their real names here** **This may not be 100% accurate as I have bad memory and was over a year ago trying to remember details** ~ First real love ~ The bell rang for school and everyone got out of their classes. I walked down to our commons area like always to meet with my only friend who really hung out with me, Kyle. “You get to meet Desirae today”, he said. This was a girl I had an “internet” crush on for some time now. This was my second real crush i’ve ever had, besides one girl I was in love with for three years that just lead to a ‘heartbreak’. We both walk out of Cyprus, our school, to the middle school across our street. As we get there we just stand by a pole, across from the feild, although I don’t remember what we were talking about. Eventually she texted him saying she wasn’t at school and to meet her at the park. We start walking there as i’m half excited and half nervous. We get to the park and just stand there to wait. I see her all the way across the feild and my heart basically exploded, she was beautiful. A simple crush on a girl from the internet turning into falling in love. She comes up to us and we start heading for her house. I’m always frozen when I first meet a girl, and I became super awkward. I remember Kyle playing on her Ipad as I was just sitting there in silence, occasionally looking at Desirae but trying not to be creepy..or obvious. After a while we leave and Kyle and I have made plans to hang out this weeked. ~ A weekend in April~ I’m at Kyle’s house, sitting next to Desirae and my body feels so numb from my love for her. Can I be this much in love so fast? Is this possible? I lay down and wrap my arms around her waist while she’s still sitting up. I know it’s soon but I really can’t help myself, I just want to hold her. I don’t remember what everyone else was doing..I didn’t care what they were doing, I just wanted to hold her, and stay like this for as long as I could. So attatched already..it’s only been two days, but she already means so much to me, if only she knew, but then again, who could love someone like me? I’m shy, I never talk, awkward, I look like a skeleton, i’m hopeless for love. Later on I remember everyone who was there decided to join us on the bed and had what they called a ‘cuddle puddle’. Kyle’s dad came into the room and suggested a movie so we all went into the living room and I remember she layed onto my lap. The movie was “Full Metal Jacket”, still remember after all this time. After watching the movie she and her friend left back to her house. We gave eachother a hug and she went off. I was really sad about this but I was going to see her soon again.. ~ unknown time later ~ (I don’t quite remember how long later this was but it wasn’t too far from last paragraph) I was at Desirae’s house, along with Kyle, and Desirae’s best friend Andrew. We were watching the movie “SLC Punk” (which was her favorite) in her room. After the movie I believe we layed down next to eachother. I remember looking at her wanting her to be mine, I was already so inlove with her..I remember staring at her while we were both laying there on her bed. Moving closer to her, I kissed her lips, not thinking what I was doing (like I told you, I can’t control myself). After realizing what I just did, I was scared, what if she hated me now? What if I just made everything so awkward? What is she going to do? But..she kissed me back, it was the best feeling in the world, better than a euphoria any drug can give you. **Just a note, sorry, I don’t remember what happened after this so I have to fast forward a bit :C** ~ April 19th, 2014 ~ The usual friends, Kyle and Andrew, were there like always, along with some others. I’ve never hung out with Desirae alone before. We were sitting on her roof, I don’t remember exactly what we did but eventually left her house and walked around our town. Later on we ended up hanging out at Brockbank Jr. High, the school across from mine. Nothing much happened but talking. We were all sitting on the grass. Kyle was about to leave to another friend’s house and asked me if I wanted to go. I am horrible with decisions, I didn’t want to make it awkward for Desirae but I also didn’t want to leave her. After some time I decided to stay with her. Kyle went off and left, as so did we, back to her house. It was dark outside, i’d say around 8-9pm at this time. We were sitting together by the corner of her room while her friends were watching a movie or videos on the computer. I remember them walking down stairs for food I believe, and as they left the room we kissed a couple of times. There was also an earthquake that came and shook the whole room, but nothing major to worry about. Later we ended up going downstairs to watch “SLC Punk” again. I had to leave home soon but I REALLY didn’t want to, I loved being with her and around her. This was the most in love I have ever been in my whole life. We layed on her couch, cuddling eachother, I was happy, I was actually..really happy for once, I did not want this to end..but everything good comes to an end I learned. After the movie we both sat on her porch waiting for my mom, it was about 11:40pm now, cold outside, I just wanted to hold her, and stay with her. My mom came rolling up in her car infront of her house, we kissed last one last time at 11:59pm, little did I know this was going to be our last kiss. We said our goodbye and she headed for the door and opened it to walk inside, but before she closed it, I nervously said “..I love you”, and I meant it, really, I did, I did love her, and I know it, I never had this much feelings for someone, even that three year long crush. I can’t recall if she said anything back, but if she did, I don’t remember. Walking to my mom’s car, now 12:01am, she takes me home where I fall asleep. ~ fast forward 1-2 months later ~ [[Possible Trigger Warning]] We lost touch, after 4/19/2014 we never talked..like again. Was it something I did? Something I said? I don’t know..I remember I was hanging out with friends, we were infront of Elk Run apartments when I heard someone bring up the name of a new boy she was with..but why? Did she even know I cared for her so much? Or did she want nothing to do with me anymore? Or..did she even want to in the first place..I instantly grew depressed over hearing this new name. Later on I went home, with this ‘new guy’ in my head and the thought of her being with someone totally shredded my heart, I don’t think i’ve ever felt a real broken heart until now..I went to my kitchen, my parents were still at work, I opened our silverware drawer and grabbed a kitchen knife. I started to cut into my own skin deeper and deeper to bring make my pain physical instead of emotional. I went into my bathroom and started a bath, also going into my moms room to find a whole box of shaving razors. I grab one of the razors and take it into the bath with me. Attempting to break the shaving razor, I was unsuccessful (I am weak). I start cutting again, as uncontrollable tears are coming down my face. Why? Why me? What have I done? I just watched myself bleed after shredding my legs. I get up with my legs stinging and drain the bath, being sure to wash out any blood left behind. **Basically the rest of May, June, and possibly July was like this, I couldn’t help but to self harm at the thought of her..** ~ Warped Tour 2014 ~ I came to warped tour alone this year (I don’t have very many friends) and just wandered around listening to different bands and mentally begging to make a new friend to hang out with or atleast find someone I know, and I did! I came across Kyle, Andrew, and Desirae. I was still so inlove with her, she was still so beautiful as ever, just looking at her made my heart race so fast I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I don’t believe I was around them for too long, but I remember she made a heart with her hands toward me, which made me want to tell myself she still cares but I really doubted that..I spent almost all of the day alone until I ran into my old best friend, we’ll call him Drake. Drake and I basically grew up together but he’s really seperated himself from me lately and it really makes me emotional, it feels like he doesn’t even act like I exist most of the time. Anyways, I spent the rest of the day with him which was only about two hours. My whole day was not that great but just seeing her again made me as happy as ever. ~ Halloween 2014 ~ I made some new friends later on in 11th grade since school started a couple months ago, and surprisingly one of my new friends was the one guy who took Desirae from me..but he didn’t know about us, about how I felt, which I understand, but I can’t help but hate him for it. Our friend, we’ll call him Chase, was having a halloween party at his house on Halloween. I never actually been to a party (If you couldn’t tell by now, i’m a huge loser) so I decided to go. ~ Around 8-9pm of the party ~ We were all outside sitting in a circle talking about our feelings with girls and such, and I told ‘him’ about Desirae and I, and he felt bad, but I still can’t forgive him, sometimes you just can’t forgive and forget..Desirae ended up coming to this halloween party and I wanted to talk to her but I was so depressed, I was nearly crying, I wanted to cut again, even just talking about her ruined my night, it’s been about 6 months and you’re still crying over a girl, what’s wrong with me? I walk inside the house but she was so drunk she probably didn’t even know who I was, which made me very upset as I haven’t seen her for a couple of months. I started to feel really suicidal, I’m way too inlove with this girl, again..what’s wrong with me? Why am I so attatched? She was just an internet crush, now i’m considering ending my life over her? ~ February 13, 2015 ~ I was still depressed about her, more than ever in fact, but why? Why am I like this? I still cut over her, cry myself to sleep everynight over her..I made a friend online a couple months ago, we talked using a messaging app called “Kik”. On February 13, 2015, I planned to commit suicide by gunshot, I know where my parents hide the gun, I even loaded it the day before so I could just come home and do it. 2/13/15 was a Friday, I was going to on Valentine’s day but I couldn’t wait anymore, I just can’t handle it. I never said goodbye to anyone, cause I didn’t want to deal with people calling me an attention whore. I went on with the average school day, alone, plain, as usual. I walked home thinking to myself, am I really going to do it today? Of course I am, why am I still living? What DO I have to live for? I have no future, no friends, no love anymore, i’m crushed, STILL, over this girl from April… tell her goodbye, i’m leaving this world. I grabbed the gun from my parent’s room and put it to my head and think about it, I really want to, but my friend messages me back, and we start talking, she tries to talk me out of it but I still want to continue with it, she brings up the people i’d hurt if I was dead but who COULD I hurt? No one..I get emotional and drown myself in tears, I tell her i’m sorry for feeling this way. I put the gun away and lay down because I really needed to get my mind off this. ~ February 21, 2015 ~ I finally gave up on Desirae a bit back, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care about her. On 2/21/15 I asked out a girl, we’ll just call her “Jade”. I was happy, really, but I really did NOT want to go through what I just did, so I was really strict with my heart, but “Jade” has brought up Desirae several times, her bringing Desirae up brought back all those flashbacks, it hurt me, I started self harming again, crying everynight again, i’m depressed again..i didn’t want to leave her, I didn’t want to hurt her, but I had to leave. We broke up, although I don’t remember when (I never remember my break ups). I know what I’ve done was mean but I couldn’t handle self harming again, I didn’t want to re-live the flashbacks with Desirae, I needed an escape. ~ Am I a bad person? ~ Roughly 3 weeks later I met a girl who’s had a pretty rough love life, like me..but with one girl. Anyway, I got slight feelings for her, I haven’t thought about Desirae for a while as I needed to just sit alone and let my thoughts ease. Eventually we dated but I got made fun of, she was four years younger than me, I thought love was love, is four years a big difference to everyone? I didn’t know, and I didn’t care, I like a person for them, not how old they are..Her parents made us break up only after three days. I know it’s bad to leave someone saying you’re feeling suicidal for someone else and dating another someone else roughly 3 weeks later. I know i’m a bad person and I know i’ve hurt some people, but i’ve been hurt too, and I can’t let go, i’m sorry…
I get to my house and unlock the door, talking to my internet friend, since I didn’t know her in real life and she didn’t know any of my friends, I decided to