Somewhere To Write

Posted by Anonymous on 2015/05/04 under Uncategorized

Ok, so nobody is obliged to read this as I’m putting down bits and bobs about how I feel. It’s not even coherent. But I need to get it out somehow… The last person I think about every night is usually him. I’ve got used to this. A sweet but poisonous habit. I know sometimes I am the last person he thinks about at night too as I get late night emails from him sometimes. I am actually very moved that when nobody takes me seriously, when nobody really cares in this place, he actually shows care – in a subtle and different way. I know he doesn’t want anyone to know that he actually cares. He’s too good at keeping a distance from everyone and everything. It was awkward several months ago – he would feel uncomfy when it’s only me and him alone. Sometimes we both just fell silent. But these days, we can talk more easily. Thank gosh. No more awkwardness. Somehow I feel that we both care about each other, even like each other. But reality and responsibilities keep us rational. We quickly go back to work instead of talking about ourselves. Never mind, I can’t deny that I need to hear his voice to stay sane. His voice is surprisingly therapeutic to me. Maybe to him, sometimes he needs to see my smiles – I can’t explain but just my gut feeling. And sometimes I caught him turning to look at me when everyone is joking and I laugh. I want to be near him but don’t want to be his burden. So I stay away. In meetings, I deliberately do not sit next to him because troublesome people are in the same room. So I keep a distance and don’t let others have excuse to say anything bad about him. But it seems the more distance we try to put between us, the more it shows there’s something. An easy example being: You wouldn’t hesitate to accept a ride from your friend but if it’s your crush you’d get nervous and end up avoiding the ride all together. Haha… yes, the situation is somehow like that. We keep running away from each other, yet we keep feeling the strong attraction. We have very different schedules so it’s handy to keep the distance. But sometimes when we cross over, I can’t help feeling happier and more motivated. In my mind’s eye, I want to hug him dearly, for all the kindness he has shown me. Sometimes it feels quite fatherly – his gentle way of making sure things are alright for me. But I don’t think he would like to hear the word “fatherly” from me. But we aren’t exactly friends. We can’t be friends. Somehow we can’t be anything. Sometimes the pain of hopelessness can hurt a bit. But I quickly shake that away and be cheerful again. I know he wants me to be happy. I don’t want him to know about things that make me unhappy. So sometimes I hide my problems. No one likes a negative person so I try my best to be a cheerful one. And it seems this is working. Ever since I tried to be more optimistic, it seems he shows more care. And he starts to be friendly. These days, I’m also taking better care of my health too. For the sake of staying well and not falling sick and getting unhappy. These all sound very stupid. But such are the unexpected sides of love.

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