Posted by Anonymous on 2015/05/04 under Uncategorized Ummm Hello! My name is Yara, Im 14 yrs old. Im in the 9th grade almost finishing it though. Im a tomboy girl but Im not lesbian. I have no idea why Im writing online my life but I wanted to talk….
Starting from the beginning ; Grade 7 the yr of deviation idk the suitable word tbh… I was a pervert little girl and so were my friends although it was one of the greatest yrs of my life I regret it alot!! I was a phony stupid person. I made fun of others and alot of ppl in my class hated me alot! But as I said it was a good yr as in I had a lot of fun. Basmala,Hana,Mariam,Nourhan were my closest friends back then and I loved them alot. Oh before I continue I have a problem I get attached too easily and too fast to the ppl I love. Back to the story…By the end of the yr Hana & Basmala were going to leave school and they traveled, Hana traveled to another ummm state? And Basmala traveled to another country…So only me,Mariam & Nourhan were left of the group.Unfortunately it got kind of worse I found out during the mid-yr vacation (as I remember) that Nourhan was gay and that she loved me I was okay with that for a while but was kind of uncomfortable tbh but still I accepted that bec she was my closest friend back then…Things got a little worse but I was probably the reason bec I was a b**ch back then sorry.. She was swearing alot all the time & was saying some bad stuff specially for her age and tbh I think I had a fight with her and tried to get farther from her and stop being her friend bec erm I was getting more & more uncomfortable…So we stopped being friends..It sucked…Grade 8 was a really terrible yr for me as some of my friends left,me & Mariam were fighting all the time as usual,I was kind of bullied or atleast that what I thought was happening I went through a cap phase & I looked like a boy. The teachers didnt like that & my friends didnt like that as for my friends they kept making fun of me & took my cap and so on I told them that I didnt mind but I actually did,that was probably wrong of me but till now I still dont know why I did that…..As for the teachers well there was one teacher who embarrassed me infront of the whole class but her intentions were good so I dont hold anything on her but still hated what happened.The headmistress & the deputy of the school were the ones who literally destroyed me from inside…They one day called me to their office & started talking with me, the headmistress;Miss Magda,shouted at me so hard & said somethings that probably arent that huge for any other girl bec its normal to girls but to me I never feel comfortable when its said…that day was already crappy as me & Mariam had a bad fight so I was struggling to keep myself from crying….God I hate that day so much :s The whole class then was in the school’s theater rehearsing for their play I had to go there but I didnt take part in it I sat their…still sitting then BOOOM I burst into tears it was probably the hardest time Ive ever cried infront of my friends, I was shaking….I was a complete mess..but it got easier when Mariam came & comforted me although we werent speaking but it was still bad…*sigh* The deputy came and took me to the office again & Miss Magda kept shouting at me for crying.I’ve never hated someone so much in my life. It got even worse when the day was over my English teacher (my favorite teacher of all time tbh) saw me crying & kept looking at me pitting me.I’ve never felt weaker before atleast then.That yr was very very very hard for me & I couldnt wait till it was over I thought that the depression & sadness would be gone but….it actually increased.At the beginning of the vacation I started having flashbacks of every bad moment that happened along the yr. I literally wanted to kill my self…But (still as I think bec there is alot of blanks in my mind I cant really know exactly) I got better when I talked with my parents I kept begging them to let me switch schools & that I wouldnt be happy at all specially after Mariam was leaving too (she went to IG) so I felt like crap. They didnt agree, my mum told me not to run from my problems & so on…I was still depressed by the beginning of the new school yr (Grade 9). During the last week of the vacation I decided not to study and to fail (stupid ik) I was a mess & nobody could’ve helped me…There were 2 classes along the past yrs but the school decided to mix the 2 classes together, I didnt realize then that it was the best thing that could have happened to me but Ill get to that later..Anyway, on the first day of school Mariam & Menna(another friend) walked with me to my class,while going to the class I was tearing up I was literally going to cry but I kinda held it all in….When I went to the class they left to go to theirs. When I entered the class (my class I still didnt know the other class) & I greeted each other & I sat beside one of my friends from the other class..The first 2 weeks,maybe less maybe more, were effed as hell. I couldnt stay awake in any of the classes,not even during the break, I just slept…all the freaking time. I didnt want to talk to anybody tbh, didnt want to smile,didnt want to laugh,didnt want to participate in anything with the class,I guess I was still kind of annoyed of what happened last yr I thought that without Mariam it would be even worse so I decided to just sleep all the time. I didnt want to make any new friends at all.My friend whom I am sitting next to is called Yasmine. At the beginning of the yr she was probably the only who noticed that I was depressed bec Mariam wasnt there with me, she told me that the time will pass & that I would get over it soon. I ofc didnt believe her then but she was 100% true. There were alot of trips the first term of the yr and I,stupid as always, skipped every single one of them to spend time with Mariam, I even took classes with her just to be with her,I didnt regret it then but I kind of do now……I tried not to get close to anyone from the class bec I was afraid of 2 things:The first thing is I was afraid of getting attached then they would leave me just like my other friends. The second thing is I was afraid that if I make new friends I wouldnt have time for Mariam. But ofc I had to make new friends to atleast continue the yr. There was a group of friends already from the other class; Nourhan(another girl),Salma,Menna,Nada & Heba. I already knew Menna but we were never friends but I somehow managed to get to know them. I didnt know then that I would get so attached to them & would love them just like family. I became friends with them,sat with them alot and got closer day by day,when I realized that I was kind of scared so sometimes I tried to get away(that was during the term).By the end of the first term, Mariam became closer to her class, I didnt mind ofc bec she had to eventually & I was fine with it. Well was…They changed her alot…She cared less about spending time with me,I had to beg her to come & sit with me in the class like I did with her but I guess she didnt care as much……The term getting closer to end & Me & Mariam were growing further & further apart…Only then I started to allow myself,but with a limit, to spend more time with my friends and it was probably the best decision I’ve taken in a loooong time…The exams passed & we took our mid-yr vacation. I only went out once with them in that vacation but it was fine for me back then bec I still was afraid of getting attached to them…The second term came, and then I started to get comfortable while being with them, I didnt show it though….well I still dont show it alot now but I will,hopefully..Anyway this term (2nd term) is full of alot of stuff alot of fights with Mariam.Me & Mariam are used to fighting,we fight almost all the time….But the last 3 or 4 fights that we had made me realize that it was time for our friendship to end or atleast we wouldnt be “bestfriends” again…I had already taken my decision and at first she didnt really care,she said alot of words that hurt me but Im over it now..She probably thought that I would accept us to be friends like before after whats she said but I didnt and tbh I still dont…When I finally decided to stop caring (or I atleast pretended not to care for a while) she started to realize what she had done and that she had ruined our friendship..She apologized alot and I ofc had to forgive her, well I didnt have to but I wanted to bec I didnt want her to feel guilty but still I am serious about us not being friends as before and I told her that but she started caring more and so on. I dont want her to feel like I did when she treated me like crap before so now Im just talking with her once in a while. Our conversation is limited and I moved on but for some reason whenever I see her when Im with my friends it gets really awkward for me and I kind of feel guilty but I already decided and I be close friends with her again bec well I dont feel comfortable again.Thats all it for Mariam I guess. As for my friends (add another Mariam & another Nada & Amal) these ppl mean the world to me tbh. They r the only thing that helped me go through the yr without breaking down. I really do love them.But….well some of them are leaving school next yr and I too might leave..And it freaking sucks. I dont want to be chance of us not being friends bec of switching schools but there is still that possibility….But ill try my best not to let that happen.Well that’s pretty much everything I’ve got to say now. Wish me luck.
Famous name : Jiko =D