Posted by Anonymous on 2015/04/14 under Uncategorized I found my weakness when it comes to breaking down and going on a binge: getting upset. And I mean really upset, where you have no control over feelings, when you just want to feel nothing at all. We haven’t talked for days and I was being stubborn and not texting him, waiting for him to text him and wish me happy easter, since I have been waiting for that day for 7 weeks to pig out on pizza. But nothing, nothing at all was sent to me from him. 3 am I find out he is leaving for a few weeks. It stung so bad, hurt so much that all I wanted to do was to get drunk and high and completely forget about feelings. It didn’t help, at all. I am still sitting here, waiting for him to text me. I jeopardized my new job. I jeopardized my relationships. I am done. I broke down and sobbed last night for the first time in forever. I am not heartless after all, I have feelings, feelings that get hurt. I want to act like it’s all okay, but it’s not. I am hurting the people around me who care about me, who genuinely care if I make it home from a night out, when I didn’t even think I was making it back. I am done treating my body like garbage. I need to stay away from places that draw me back to the bad ways. I am better than this. I am a good person who is lost, I feel like I have been stuck bouncing between two walls trying to find an exit, trying to find that new door that’s supposed to open when the other one closes. Where the f*** is it? Where is the door? Am I blinded by wanting to feel nothing? Two years I have been going to this. I just want to be better already. Waking up hungover all the damn time is not a good way of life. I need him in my life, I need Kristy in my life, I need good people in my life who will literally be there no matter what, who are not scared to tell me how it is. Those who will tell me “I will tackle you to the ground if you make one step out of this house” and those who just want to relax and make me feel better. I need help. I cannot continue this downward spiral. There has got to be a way I can do this without hurting anyone. On another note, I really need this job and I am praying for it. I need a good environment to work in. I need to be happy again. I deserve to be happy.
So here is this Nastia:
Stop abusing different substances, you only feel worse after that
Wake up earlier
Read more
Pay attention to little things
Work out
Spend more time outside
Just spend more time around good energy