Posted by Anonymous on 2014/12/25 under Uncategorized This life is too much for me. Let me start from as far as I can remember as a conscious being. I was a boy with pure heart, unaware of the corrupted filthy humanity of this world and had been living my life, closed to the outside world. Kindergarten was cool, so was primary school because, you know, you’re just a child and the other children in class are also the same, pure. No filthy thoughts in their mind and no shadows in their heart. Maybe there are some bullies even at that age but.. it’s still a childish one. Everything starts at middle school, the sidings-friends forming groups and don’t let outsiders in. You get bullied, you get discriminated by your appearance. Ofcourse there are some exceptions, but very few, limited. I was still unaware that the world was unfair, unforgiving for your purity and mistakes. High school is just an another term for struggling with.. almost everything. University is where you find the actual you, where you become one with your inner self even more than before.. Up until now I thought that I knew something about life, but then, having never seen bulls***s and how unfair life is, I started to struggle with people. Back then it was better, now I heard someone talking about relationships between adults and how she called it professional relations.. That’s just an excuse word hiding the truth, not caring about each other that is. People don’t care about each other. Not once in my life I’ve had a very close friend who cared about me. But you know, you learn the true character of a person in dire situations. Hanging out together or doing stuff doesn’t strengthen bonds.. The more you share in life, the deeper you get with a person. But if you find one, that is. Until now, it has always been me trying to form bonds. Whenever I tried to be closer with a person and showed my good side, I got nothing. I cared, did not received the same. I cherished the people whom I saw dear to me, but found out that I was just another doll to be played with and thrown out when the fun ends. It’s enough, I can’t take this life anymore. Wherever I go, it’s two sided people everywhere. Technology makes it easier for people to not form bonds as well. No talking.. no communication.. Ofcourse it’s easier to break relationships. We live the life just as the devices we use.. I’m sick of people, always waiting to stab from behind, always looking for an opening to break others hearts, always lurking in the shadows like a filthy creature to find your weakness and use it back to you.. I’m hateful, regretful.. Thank you life, thank you world. You have made who I am. You have made me a hateful creature with a heart, which I can no longer have pity or care for people but it also pains me to be this way because I DO FEEL, I am sorry If I can’t be a bastard, that’s just how I am. I’ll be the cold person that I am now, but also feel it all like a torture. Funny.. Enjoy the world you created people, keep going on trying to make people lose their faith in humanity. I’m sure you love that. And don’t you ever tell me not everyone is the same. All my life I’ve seen people who were born filthy, who corrupted themselves after they grew up and made bad choices about friends and in life, people who changed in a way that you would feel disgusted.. and all my life, I’ve seen only 2 – 3 people, who were the purest of them all, shining like the sun even in the crowd, but that’s not enough to restore my faith in humanity. 3 out of all the people I’ve seen in all my life, abroad or in the country.. I’m sorry to face palm the truth but yeah, that’s not enough to make the world a good place. Politicians lie, people who say they are doing good, actually doing bad behind closed doors. Advertisements lie, TV lie, people lie for their own benefits. Human life isn’t worth anything in this modern age. This only makes me laugh.
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Reading your post.. I can understand your feelings. I cannot say I completely understand you, but I do understand.
In our early youth, we maintain a certain innocence.. but adulthood can turn people bitter.. I learned that as a young girl in Primary School when I lost a dear friend that adults never cared for, for some odd reason..
As we age, we see our peers change before our eyes, they transform completely and metamorphosis into what we never thought many would become.. they were young too once.. so what happened?
Though I’m still quite young, in early college, in fact.. I still see people that haven’t changed. And though the darkness has sung it’s song to me, I’ve refused to enter it.
I understand that a mere handful cannot make much of a difference in everyone’s eyes. And for that, I won’t blame you for how you feel. Many are too distracted these days to understand and care, truly care, about others. However, despite all this, I want to help you. If the small handful of good people in the world cannot suffice.. then please, don’t ever change, and I know you won’t, because you care, really care, and feel.. Hope can be small.. But keeping as the good people we are can make a huge difference.. maybe in others lives, maybe not.. but at least within ourselves.. That is what makes good people stand above the rest..
I’m sorry if my comment wasn’t the best, and I’m sorry for it’s length as well, but I hope your heart will be alright, and light brought to you and your eyes, as your flame continues to burn bright within your soul.
Happy Holidays and a Happy New Year 🙂
I’m a person who cherishes even the smallest thing. If you gave me a bottle cap as a present I would also keep that as a memento for the rest of my life for example. So, I’m not looking for the best answer, I was so sick of it, I had to take it out and write here. And I also wondered about how others felt about this. I thank you for giving your time to read and comment with all your heart. I’m not going to change or I’ll give up. But no matter how I look at it, I can’t see a future in humanity. Even your own country won’t protect its own people.. Even the police don’t care about you. I’ve seen a riot once, a big one where many died but nearly none of it were brought on to news.. The police were even shooting at the dogs on the streets.. Firing a gas bomb, ok. I may understand that to a point, but firing it at a person’s head from very near, knowing that it would kill, is a choice to kill, not an order. To put it simply, what I’m trying to say is, filth is growing day by day in this modern age and with those very few people in the world, it’s not going to be hough to change the world. I wish one day everything can go back to normal but.. The more I try, the worse it gets. Sometimes I still try to help, but believe me, you wish you had never tried to help. My heart is alright, but I am not able to take anymore of it, it pains me to see the world this way, to see people fading away like that. The person who is supposed to be my BEST friend, I regularly call him but even my best friend does not care, it’s been 5 months the last time I called for 3 times and still no feedback. And one time when I stopped calling because I got mad, he texted me months later, just to ask what was the song I made him listen the last time we met months ago.. My point is, the best I can find is this. I see people getting so well outside or at college, but they just think they do get so well.. at the slightest problem, they all fall apart. But thank you, it’s at least good to know someone read my post.
Hi, I know things look pretty bad. I can tell you tho that there is much good in all the bad. The times we live in right now are scary, some say it’s the end times but every generation has said that. With 7.5 billion people roaming the globe, add instant information exchange, and it gets even scarier. I KNOW with every fiber of my being that everything is okay. The media fuels this fear and paranoia. Keep trying to help, please don’t give up. I’ll stand behind you and we both can help. It doesn’t take much to make things better. Actually a smile does wonders and if you sincerely compliment everybody you talk to daily, just one compliment from your heart you will be amazed at the outcome. Follow your heart, surround yourself with positive thinkers and people that ask questions. We get back what we put out there. PPl that hate get hate back. Ppl that love get love back. Just you writing this got a response that is in no way negative. I make a daily effort to not judge others, to smile and say hello to strangers, to hug all my friends and tell em I love em frequently. We can create happiness around us. Be Well, Kevin
I always find it interesting to see the reaction of pure people like yourself realize the corruption in the world. I’m sorry if that sounded offending in any way. (Also, i’ll apologize beforehand for the length of this post)
But the way I see it, human nature has always been corrupt. There has never been a moment where life was not corrupt. Our whole lives and all of society has been built on corruption. But this can easily be avoided with an answer to a question that nobody has yet answered…what is classified as bad? What makes those other people more corrupted than you? What is the true form of purity? Why is it that telling the truth is ‘good’, while lying is ‘evil’? Aren’t all these definitions planted in our head by the society which we so daringly call ‘corrupt’? When we realize our own existentialism we see that these are all definitions we’ve implanted on ourselves.
You see, when I was a young girl, I didn’t look at other people at all. I didn’t see them as pure, I didn’t see them as corrupt. All I saw were people who unknowingly were placed on earth and had to live life the way they wanted until it was over. Truthfully, I didn’t care for them. Not as in “if you die I will apathetically watch from a distance.” Obviously we’re ‘humans’ so we experience emotions and get wrapped up in living (I’m nice enough). But I mean..if someone cheated on a test, I wouldn’t care less since it has absolutely nothing to do with me and nothing to do with life itself. We place too much importance on things that don’t really mean anything in the grand scheme of things. Do you know why that person lied to you? Oh, maybe his mother would beat him every time he told the truth. Maybe people mocked him. Corruption grows on corruption. Corruption obviously had to start somewhere though, right? Nope. In my opinion (these are all my opinions, so I could obviously be wrong), human nature was just created like this. Call it survival instincts, if you will. We just gave it a word.
On that note, I can’t seem to place myself in either category of ‘corrupt’ and ‘pure’. I enjoy the little things in life, I care deeply for the people I love, I never judge, and I hope to spread happiness wherever I go. But because of circumstances in life, I’m prone to deserting people when I find life is too heavy to bear, unintentionally causing chaos, and I let the truth turn into a lie. Also, I’m sort of a hypocrite. Because even though I’ve already concluded that these societal standards don’t mean anything, I still get too wrapped up in life and continue this cycle of corruption and purity. Of good and bad. I suffer from a mental disorder, I hurt my friends because of my own problems, I love my family dearly, I had a great Christmas, etc, etc…
But I’ll tell you something. I love people like you who so clearly know themselves and see the good in life. I try to associate myself with these kind of people because if I’m going to be living in this world, I might as well be ‘good’.
Oh wow..it got long..I don’t know if this post made any sense though;my thoughts are there, but I never know how to convey them to other people. You don’t have to listen to me though, just putting in my two cents. ^.^
I encourage you to continue doing good and spreading happiness though. Sorry if this offended you in any way..but if it somehow changed your mind and helped a little, then write back. 🙂
Also, how can humanity be falling apart if it was never truly there? It’s all in perspective.
Merry Christmas~
It’s never a problem to write a long text or express your own thoughts. Yes everything you say makes sense and I thank you for your concern.
If I was to talk about it deeper, I would like to correct myself on that matter, as you said definition of good and bad can vary. I also don’t categorize good or bad as doing the right thing, telling the truth etc or bad as doing bad things etc. I believe that there is good in every bad and there is bad in every good. Ofcourse as human beings, all these are in our nature. And If you ask me, since the born of humanity, the only thing that changed is the clothings we wear, that’s all. I categorize good or bad on how it makes sense to me, whichever seems logical and has a genius reason behind. Like, I don’t judge a killer, I don’t judge a liar etc, If there is a good reason behind. If I expressed it in a way that I hate people who lie and etc, I meant that I am sick of the people whose doings have direct affect on me.
I’ve used corrupt, filthy and any other negative words to emphasize my feelings, because I felt them so strong at the moment. None of us are pure and I don’t call myself as pure. We all have regrets or mistakes. The question is how much you have learned about your life-your doings. Perhaps opinions differ because of the different lives we live, talking about general though, not comparing you and I. At childhood or youth things can be forgiven but when you’re a full grown adult, I’m sorry but I can’t forgive those who can’t think to do the right thing. We may be thinking of doing something, but it’s always our choice to do what we think of doing. What I am sick of is fake people if you understand what I mean. I may not be perfect or may not have always been right in my choices, but I’Ve never been a fake person, have never smiled for my own benefits or did never think how I could use that person If I had been nice to him/her. That’s what I hate and that’s what I mean by this world is too much for me.
in primary school years, my teacher used to hit me for sweating, telling me not to run and sweat or I would get hit again. Another teacher hit me for not knowing the word my friend told me, which I thought of it as a game and I said the same to him. But it all made sense later, because back then I couldn’t think about the things as I do now. That teacher had a relationship with the boy’s mother and couldn’t hit him, instead hit me.
Then my whole life until college had been a disaster, I was discriminated by how I looked. Because I was physically fatter than people, I had always been discriminated. I looked at people from a distance, questioning why I could not have such a friendship. I grew up lonely. My own mother was forced into marriage with my father, she does not like her and feels that her whole life was lost.. and sometimes she used to freak out. Whenever she felt depressed, she messed with me. When I was in high school age I wanted to give her kindness, thinking that she had had a long and tiring life, thinking that maybe I could be a friend to her, but that ended badly. Because the more I tried to be by her side, the more she pushed me. Because I gave privileges to her about my life, she used everything I shared with her on me and put an even bigger gap between us. My father.. I pity him because he’s just like her dog, she tells him to sit, he does. She tells me to stand and he does.. But that’s because my father loves her. I do understand that.
I was determined to change and worked so hard to lose my fat and shape my physical appearance.. But it was just another funny story. You know what happened? The people who did not even pay attention to me and did not even bother to ask or know how I was and I was feeling, started to try to get close to me. That’s when I understood that, people are cheap. Ofcourse I don’t simply categorize that all people are cheap and all etc. I still give everyone 2 chances. The first chance for trying to know how a person really is, if he or she has done anything towards me, I give another thinking that we are human beings and everyone deserves a second chance. But if that also fails, I do not care anymore. I’m sick of this fakeness above all. Disrespectful people.. There is a common knowledge in respect, love etc.. There are standards ofcourse. I am a person who value respect, love, kindness, honesty.. When you become an adult, you are no longer a child anymore and you are responsible of your actions. I don’t care about what people do so long as they don’t effect me. But if it starts to have a touch upon me, I oppose.
And for Kevin, thank you too for your kind words and concern. But I’ve been there many times, not just once. I’ve tried to give smiles everywhere, be kind.. love and get love in return as you said. But the life I’ve lived made me who I am. Now I only value people as how much they deserve it. That didn’t work out for me, I gave smiles and love, but I was hurt in return. And there are nice people too, but as the time goes by and the world changes, I want to be as distant as possible because I cannot take it anymore, seeing fakeness all around.
And why I titled my writing as humanity is falling apart.. you’re right. I chose a wrong title =)
not genius reason, genius reason*
geniue** I’m starting to think that it auto-corrects me?
And nothing you wrote offended me, you have a very nice english and a very polite way of writing, thank you for your attitude. If I have offended you in any way or have been aggressive in my thoughts, I am sorry in advance.
Ahaha, I wasn’t offended at all. I’m glad you had the decency to worry about that as well. As for my writing, I’m glad you think that since I’ve never been much of a writer. ^.^ (Same person again.)
I realize, after re-reading my post and reading your new post, that I was quite impersonal in my opinion of corruption and goodness. I guess not knowing the circumstances you had made a difference. Although, as a personal opinion I still stand that it doesn’t matter what other people are and how they change my life. I still don’t ever feel offended at peoples rudeness and their facades (basically, I’m just generally an impersonal person). I guess we share the same thoughts about what ‘good’ and ‘bad’ is and how they vary. I probably hadn’t focused on the real meaning of your post and instead went and rambled on my own, heh.
Since you shared a bit of your story with me, I suppose I’ll share a bit with you as well. You know, so you can have a better understanding of how I came to the conclusion that it simply didn’t matter who was what and why and whatnot. I’ll save you my sob story, but I’ll put in a few parts. I also, as a child, struggled with physical appearance and being overweight. Unfortunately, the person who always made that clear to me was my own mother. As an eight year old little girl, having your own mother who you loved dearly tell you constantly about how fat you are and how she’s so disappointed that I turned out like this…well, let’s just say it wasn’t the most pleasant thing to hear at that age. I remember being quite depressed about it actually. My mom, who was very kind and warm one minute, turned into my biggest bully the next. But i still loved her very much. I don’t see her as fake, or cruel, I see nothing wrong with her. She struggled with her own things since (though I was unaware at the time) my dad was slowly descending into his own hell(alcohol) and it had affected my mom. Again, corruption grows on corruption, and the two people I loved turned completely different.Truthfully, I don’t think they could see their change. They’re fine now-and I lost my baby fat and turned ‘pretty’ (complementing myself always sounded weird)-but at that time I realized something.It didn’t matter how they affected me or how I affected them. There was more to life than caring about other people. I wouldn’t say I turned selfish, but I guess just apathetic. Or rather, I had an epiphany. And it resulted in me questioning society and the entire wiring of my brain and everyone else around me. Now, I’m quite open to people being fake and their rudeness because I know it makes no difference to me. I focus on other things. (I won’t rewrite what I wrote before, but it’s pretty much what I said on the other post)
And as far as being fake is concerned, well then I’m afraid you’d probably dislike me in real life. See, I have this terrible mental disorder called ‘OCD’. No, it’s not cleaning pots and pans and washing your hands. It’s one of the worst things that can happen to your mind. I won’t go into detail, but let’s just say it has made me the ‘fake’ person that you seem to dislike. I obviously can’t tell the entire world of my disorder, so it has caused me to hurt many people along my path. I’ve had commitment problems my entire life (that’s another story..) but with OCD, it got even worse. I’d be happy and excited to meet new people, make new friends, and then…I would desert them. There were many factors that were involved in why I left them, but to them, I just seemed like a cruel, fake person. I’d be your best friend one day, then I’d leave you the next in the cruelest way possible. Obviously it was no walk in the park for me either, but no matter how you look at it, I left them because I was selfish and wanted to run away from my problems.Even if I warned them, people would romanticize the kind of person I was and would refer to me as ‘flighty like the wind’. They thought they could change me and ground me. Obviously they couldn’t, so I just ended up blowing up in their faces and leaving them. And I mean, yes, I see the wrong in my behavior. But I don’t see why this should concern any one else. When there’s corruption around us, you only need to worry about yourself.Again..I meant that in the nicest way possible. I mean, what if the people around you are just a figment of your imagination?(That’s also another discussion..) The world is too vast to understand so I shouldn’t concern myself on these sorts of things.
So, I got a bit off topic (I apologize), but I guess I’m just trying to defend everyone because I am one of those people. People are-at least,in definition-fake, and selfish, and cruel. But there’s always too many instances where you can’t see the reasons behind it. I know you give them a second chance, that’s wonderful.Really, it is. But you can’t hope to see the truth behind everyone so many will come off as fake and standoffish. They will hurt you, and I’m apologizing for those people.
But with this post, I’m just trying to look at it from your perspective.Honestly, my perspective is…well, I don’t have a perspective. To be open to all sides and opinions is my perspective. Haha.
Augh. This was a long read (and if you got through this, good job!). Again, this got a little off topic, and maybe I shared too much, and the thoughts aren’t very concise or organized…but I hope the message is still there. You might’ve posted this in a flurry of anger or whatnot, but you touched a lot of stuff about humanity that are too big for us to discuss on an anonymous forum. Haha (like, what even is humanity?)
But yeah, even if you don’t reply, I want you to have a nice life. (:
And about your mother-seeing that I’ve had a fair share of problems with mine-I am very sorry about that. I know how important it is for parents and their children to get along…I hope now (you’re an adult, I’m assuming.) everything has worked for the best and you haven’t been hurt too much by that.
Also, I realize you’re a stranger but I’m talking so personally..sorry. -.-‘
Everything is all good and okay, don’t worry about such details like long text or going off topic etc. Well, we’re writing as anonymous people and I was the first one to share my personal life with you and then you decided to share as well, I see no problem in that. We have things both in common and not.
You’re right, I’ve opened up a topic that’s too deep and big to discuss, we both have points just as everyone else does and opinions vary. But it’s good to come to a mutual conclusion. If differences did not exist it would be a boring world right? I was so full inside and had no one to talk to so I found out about this web site a while ago and it actually feels nice. I had to just let my thoughts out. =)
And about you, trying to change someone is really a hard thing and often ends in failure. Maybe trying to change someone in a good way is nice but that can’t happen forcefully, no matter the forcing level is.. A person discovers his/her path only by his/her own. and about your disorder. You were honest to tell people about it, detailed or not. If someone had told that to me, I wouldn’t judge or be hurt by it because you are being told in advance the situation or what might come in the future. That’s what I liked. And that’s actually a very good thing.
Yes I am an adult, but as for some things, once they are broken, they can’t be tied together. Because I’m sure you know, it doesn’t go back to the way they were. But I’m glad about myself, because I have both good and bad in me, but I always try to choose to do the right thing and that makes me feel good about myself. I’ve been hurt much.. maybe that’s why I can’t feel healed.
But I hope it works for the best, as you said. We value our thoughts here so it is of no matter if you’re a stranger, I cherished your thoughts. I hope everything works for the best for you as well, because whatever you think and set your mind to do, it is who you are. How you want to become, that’s who you become. Maybe I also have a disorder I have yet to know, who knows. Can’t say that I am one hundred percent mentally healthy, because I also have times when I freak out in my own inner world and become cold inside, but what differs me from my mother is, I do that only to myself, and I keep that side of mine only to myself.
Can I ask you a question?
I apologize if this doesn’t relate to other things that we’ve talked about (although in some sense it’s all about that..)
Have you ever experienced an existential crisis?
Sorry, I wanted to reply to your post one last time since I have a few things to add and end this because we’ve already posted so much on the topic.Whenever I say anything personal (like I did) I feel like I should just leave it at that and go.
But before I left and became anonymous again, I wanted to ask if you had experienced an existential crisis before..
Also, it’s wonderful that this website helps you. (: It has helped me plenty of times as well, and something about writing your problems and thoughts anonymously makes you feel at peace.
You don’t have to answer this, I’m just going through one myself and am not thinking clearly, I suppose.
Yes I have. Life is not always easy and forgiving on you and it always made me lost, questioning everything including myself.. There were times when I thought I couldn’t find a way out of it, but somehow I also wanted to be patient. Because you realize then, not everyone’s life is perfect and everyone has problems of their own.. And of course some things that happen in life leaves you damaged, but It’s not only me so I kind of always tried to put such thought on hold. There were times when I couldn’t as well. Like when I first entered college..
But lately, even though some things are better than before in my life, I started to feel depressed and start questioning life again.. If there is something or someone very very dear to me, that has a very big and important part in my life, I try to hold on to it. That’s what saves me from it every time.
If you are going through one right now and not thinking clearly, maybe you need that.. Sometimes we need certain emotions or thoughts to move us one step further. Waiting patiently and watching what’s going to come is always interesting. I couldn’t have thought that I would have such a conversation for example. It has been satisfactory and I am pleased to have done this. That’s not what I always do, but there are always something that I notice when I’m just about to go crazy and that keeps me back on my feet. Questions never end, they only change form.
I don’t know If I have been able to answer your question, but I hope I did.
Yes, you answered it very well, thank you.
I’m better today, so I’m thankful.
I think what triggered it is I found out one of my old teachers had died during Christmas and I began to fear the enveloping darkness that was inevitable. This had happened before, but this time I felt like I was out of my body, and my thoughts weren’t even mine.I’m not as afraid of dying as I am of my own ignorance. I realize the more I search for the truth, the more meaningless things become. But I mean, meaningless in a universe that has no meaning isn’t too bad. I understand it and accept it. But to be meaningless in the universe that’s supposed to have meaning? To be stuck in a limbo of thoughts where you can never know the answer? I once wished to devote myself to knowledge and finding the answers of the universe. But if it’s all meaningless, there are no answers. It’s almost lonely..
But I guess there can be good things about this. I stopped worrying about my previous problems like OCD, family, friends, everything..because I found it pointless to worry about that. I was sort of detached from my current life.
And I understand the thing about feeling depressed even though things are getting better. The only thing I was holding on to though (aside from my family) was my brain, my thoughts. My passions for art and science. But now that seems far away too..
But I quite enjoyed talking about these things as well. I don’t know about you, but I don’t currently have anyone to discuss these things with. As detached as I am from life, I still enjoy philosophical discussions. ^.^ But because of circumstances, I always get nervous and have panic attacks whenever I bring these conversations up. But I feel oddly peaceful.
I guess I shouldn’t look at it in fear, but instead interest because I might just be one step closer to finding the truth. I should devote my life to looking for answers, even when those answers are scary. Maybe the anxiety is necessary.
Anyway, I hope I was of interest to you during our discussions. Thanks. (:
There are times when certain things happen in life, they have effect on us. And I believe the outcome, whether negative or positive depends on us. That’s why people change. My personal experience is, how you want to be, life brings that path closer to you more than you think and without you realizing until the very end. What you’re going through may scare you. Believe me I know the feeling of not feeling yourself, asking yourself this is not even me or has someone gained control over my soul or something? You still have control over yourself. In such situations you either don’t realize it or pretend to not realize because inside you actually like it and lie to yourself. But there is always a voice that you can slightly hear inside your heart-soul or brain, whatever you call it. That’s only my personal experience and just wanted to share with you.
I still do not know if this life has a meaning or meaningless.. not able to decide yet. It’s sometimes real fun to live with and sometimes so boring that you just want to sleep and skip the boring parts and go straight to the funny times. There are so many times that I question things and the reason this discussion was opened with that title is also one of the things I questioned. Because I witness things and that makes me question my knowledge. But beyond all that, life sure does feel meaningless but I try to give it a meaning by trying to be be better and improve everyday. And by that I mean as how better a man can I become? But of course that does not always be the situation. Because there is always something that affects my good intentions and sometimes I just don’t want to be good anymore.. And that’s what I meant by trying to choose to do the right thing. Maybe not always, but sometimes.. It’s okay to feel like you’re losing your devotion to the things you were so devoted at. Maybe you just need a break? I don’t know for how long this has been going on for you.. but maybe that’s why. Sometimes I also feel far away from my passions and turns out I was not able enough to concentrate on them because of the circumstances. Sometimes it takes really long and sometimes short. But I hope you can pull yourself together whenever you can =) . There sure are questions that has no easy answer, or no answer at all. But I’m sure discussing these don’t feel lonely. It’s scarier when you’re lonely with your mind. As long as you want to be better, you will. This world and this life really does challenge your morality, mentality, health and everything else.
I also enjoyed talking, it was much more than I expected when I created the title and opened it to discussion. I thank you too.
And to answer your question about not having anyone to talk about these, I would love to continue having conversations whenever you desire.
But what if I don’t know how to keep control anymore? Or rather, what if there’s nothing to control at all? What if that piece of soul you had was gone? People say that you’re not your body, but your soul. If your soul is gone, then technically so are you. And maybe that’s why I feel so detached. I’ve always tried to do the right thing no matter the circumstances, though. Even in the midst of mental chaos I couldn’t bear to leave my morals. But what if who I’m talking to you as isn’t really me? I think a persons greatest challenge is to completely understand themselves, and frankly, I’m having a harder time than most people..
Sigh.I guess it’s a bit more difficult to properly convey things than I thought it would be. Also, you don’t know me personally so I suppose there’s not many answers you can give me. I promise, I’m not as self-absorbed as I may seem in real life. Haha.
And I guess, as human beings, the idea of meaning is too complex for us to fully understand. I agree since I also haven’t yet decided if life is meaningless..I pulled myself out of the existential crisis (at least for a bit) and am trying to have a more positive outlook while still not being completely ignorant. But again, as you said, circumstances in life have led me to sometimes stray away from my morals and do things I don’t like. I hate to blame things on my mental disorder though, and I wish I could get rid of it so that it doesn’t cloud my conscience. Before last year (when my immense mental breakdown happened..)I wouldn’t have hurt as many people as I have now.But I’ll get through it, so I’ll be fine.The only thing I can really give myself credit for is being strong, I guess.And I realize as I read your posts that you give me very positive advice and opinions and I wallow in self pity, so we’ll direct the conversation (are we even having a conversation?)to something I can help with.
And this is something I’ve always wondered,but have you ever wanted to physically (or metaphorically, I suppose) hold your brain on your hand and unravel any outside influences to see its true core? Think of it like taking a ball of yarn and undoing the threads. It may sound strange, but I think that’s what I’m striving towards. I think I-and possibly many other people-will only feel true happiness once they’ve removed themselves from subjective influences.
And yes, discussing here makes me less lonely.The mind is a scary place to get stuck inside of, because it has a tendency to harm itself. But writing here also reminds me that I’m incapable of actually having these conversations in real life because I’ve had too many bad experiences, and gives me a great deal of anxiety.I can’t explain it very well.
And I’m glad to hear that, because every time I reply I feel like I should just end it so you don’t have to keep concerning yourself with this thread. -.-‘ In fact, I wasn’t expecting you to reply to my first post at all.
Anyway, good day.
I think I’d accept the lonely life if I could just become completely objective to the world around me, and be content with observing it.