Posted by Anonymous on 2014/01/31 under Uncategorized My wife is a f***ing nincompoop. F***!! I have made such a tremendous mistake. She f***s things up left and right! And I’m just so fed up with it. If it’s not losing her wallet (which most recently happened yesterday), it’s leaving the burner on in the kitchen after she’s done cooking (which happened just now). I was not done in the kitchen yet, and I’ll be a mother f***er if I didn’t burn the dish I took out of the oven because of her forgetfulness! I took out a pan and set it on the unused burners like always–small kitchen, not much counter space–and as I’m removing these small egg dishes from their ramekins, I am struck by how the bottoms of the cakes on one side of the pan are burnt to a crisp, while the cakes on the other side are perfect. It’s only later when I hear another dish being burned as it sits on the burner that I realize that the f***ing burner is on! What the f*** am I living with a ten-year-old? It’s been almost three years of marriage and I don’t know how I can get through a lifetime of this bulls***. She does not make a satisfying companion to me, and I don’t make one to her. And being married, as many of you know, makes it almost impossible to spend time with my bros. So I’m usually lonely. I can’t think of the last time I went out with a friend. This is so miserable for both of us. I really think I would have been better off hiring a maid, a cook, and then relying on casual hookups to rely my sexual needs. F***. I’m a rather successful guy. Not rich but getting there. I could have afforded the maid and cook and I have never suffered from lack of willing partners. But it’s my faith. I didn’t have sex with any of the many girls who offered themselves to me because I was saving myself for marriage. Then I meet my future wife and I’m so horny that I look past all of our incompatibilties. We get married–and here’s where you’re gonna laugh–we get married, and then we discover that she has a rare set of disorders that prevent us from even having sex!! WHAT THE F***?? Now listen, these disorders are not to a lame cop out from her. They are called vaginismus and vulvodynia. When one has these conditions, one’s PC muscles clench tight any time a foreign object (i.e. my d***) attempts to penetrate the vagina, and one experiences burning of the vulva when any foreign object touches it. This s*** is not made up. Google it. So what a f***ing bag of laughs, right? The horny Christian player who’s never gone all the way marries the one chick out of a million who couldn’t even f***. And how did she not know she had these issues before getting married? Well, she was even more prude (pure, we usually say in church) than me and had never messed around down there before getting married. She even gave up dating entirely during college to avoid temptation. She stays true to her faith, I stay true to mine, and voila! A match made in the underbelly if hades. We are so miserable that it has really caused me to doubt my faith. I mean, call me crazy here, but it seems like the very factors that led to our undoing were those prescribed for us in our faith? Right? Because if I had just given in to my desires and started having wonderful sexy sex with all the girls I had been fooling around with all those years of my youth, I would not have been so horny when I met my wife and started dating her. I would have likely noticed our incompatibilties and broken it off with her, even if she herself were still “staying pure” for marriage, and so then we’d have avoided this failure of a marriage. Similarly, if she had been fooling around as a high school and college student, she would have been made aware of her condition and learned to not consider lasting partnership with guys of large girth–so she would have broken up with me when we got serious enough for her to learn the size of my junk. If not that, she would have been experienced enough sexually to get loosened up down there, and we would have been able to consummate our union sooner than 18 months into our marriage. We would stilly face many incompatibilties, but maybe without the lasting damage caused by a year and a half of pain, torment, and mutual embarrassment caused by these disorders…we would be in a much better state today, Finally, if we had both just been sexually active like normal adults our age, we would have begun to have sex while dating, perhaps even moved in together, and overall not been in as much of a hurry as we were. We would have allowed ourselves the time to observe our incompatible traits and then rationally decide either to move past them or breakup. And in any of the above cases, we would each be in a much better place today. But no, that’s not how it is. One thing we share is a belief in the permanence of marriage, so we shall not get divorced. We are going to start counseling soon but I am insulted by the essence of marrital counseling: it’s all about learning how to temper oneself so that the other person doesn’t get frustrated, hurt, or annoyed by you. This is not what I wanted in marriage! I dreamt of a woman who I couldn’t imagine living without, whose faults only endeared her to me all the more. And before you cry bulls*** I know those relationships exist. I’ve seen them myself. I just don’t have one,