Somewhere To Write

Posted by Anonymous on 2013/11/20 under Uncategorized

I am a young man, first year in college and first year out on my own. This is the best that my life has ever been. I don’t have to deal with stupid teenage bulls***, girls come easy, I have a decent job at a real estate agency and I’m more popular than I’ve ever been. I haven’t had the easiest life, and my therapist said that admitting to that is the first step towards a better life.

Little me was born to a pregnant, teenage mom. Mom and Dad were both in high school when little me was born. They both spiraled into depression and my dad left shortly after my birth. My mom was homeless for the first few months, couch surfing from house to house with a baby she never wanted. She developed depression as well. She managed to get a job and go to a s***ty community college where she got an associates and she managed to get a job and an apartment. She also met a guy when I was about 2. Hooray!

Yet, there was nothing good about any of this. My mother and my step-dad were both in a s*** load of debt from school, my step-dad dropping out his last semester of an expensive private school. With a mountain of debt they decided to pop out two more little ones which only added to the stress, combine that with an affair, unemployment between the both of them, and three mouths to feed, the situation was s***ty. My mom f***ed our neighbor, who just wanted the P. And oh, get this, the neighbor was also the landlord who then evicted us due to three months of unpaid rent. At this point I was 13, my sister 6 and my little brother was 2. My mom developed schizophrenia and my step-dad couldn’t hold down a f***ing job. With mountains of debt and stress and a failed marriage, they divorced, and my mom moved us an hour away from all my friends. The area was some rural, bum-f*** town in Ohio that sucked of conservatism, homophobia, and stupidity. It was the complete polar opposite to what I had been used to and I hated it. I didn’t fit in with ANYONE. Literally the emo kids who were at the bottom of the food chain didn’t like me. My life from 13-15 was lonely, dark and I just wanted to die every day. I spent most of my evenings baby-sitting my little brother and sister while my mom was out whoring herself to trashy hill-billies. Often times the electricity would be shut off due to back payments. I was disconnected from everyone and everything and all I wanted was to die. But, there was a glimmer of hope, at the beginning of eighth grade my DAD wrote me a letter, apologizing for his absence and that he wanted to be a good father and help take care of me. Well, this mother f***er had two kids of his own and used his depression as an excuse not to work. I hated him, he just fed off the system and his working wife. He was disgusting, lazy, and a s***ty person. I hated him, but also loved him. He was my dad! He would spend time with me and we’d just goof around. In a way, it made me happy that he was trying, it felt good that somebody wanted to be a part of my life. I was a little depressed and still plagued with suicidal thoughts, but not as much as before. But I was still a social pariah, and I still felt so alone. At my mom’s house, there was little to eat ever because she would spend her money on other things that I can’t say for certain. At one point, there was no food in the house for an entire week, and the only food we ate was the free lunchs at school.

I have always told myself that someday things will get better. That I’ll move back and be with all my best friends and I would be happy. That it was just a test from God and that he was just teaching me a lesson. But as my faith grew, so did my questions. It didn’t take me long to decide that religion was f***ing bulls***, it was stupid and that there was no god. Atheism, f*** yeah. In 8th grade I moved in with my best friend and his family, who was very wealthy and very liberal. I didn’t know it then, but these were the perfect people for me to live with. They would come to share their ideas with me, and I would come to be a very liberal, very intelligent boy. I was back at my hometown at the school I loved and I had so many friends. I was kind of happy. My dad disappeared again, he and his family moved. Prior to the move, they all just stopped answering my calls. I didn’t understand why, things were going fine. My mom was moving from guys house to guys house while my little brother and sister lived with my grandparents or their dad, who had gotten a decent job as a store manager at an arena that held concerts and sports events. My friends parents separated and I had to move back in with my mom, who had a revelation that she should start being a mom. Apparently she forgot she had kids or something. At any rate, she got fat from her anti-depressants and nobody wanted her. We moved closer into the city, and I went to an ok school that wasn’t too far from my hometown. High school was something of a blast. I was a super scene kid and I was f***ing stylish as all hell from the part-time jobs I worked. I would go to local and major shows of hardcore bands, mosh, get into fights. I would smoke cigarettes, dope, and drink. All the while I was somehow doing well in school, I took AP classes and did okay in them. My life felt pretty good. I could almost taste the life of middle class America, as I believed myself to be on the high road towards a better life. By junior year I dropped the scene kid thing, cut my hair and had a pretty awesome experience. I had so much sex, was so confident and I felt so good about myself. But f***ing hell, was I still depressed. My mom would hit me, my little brother and sister hated her almost as much as I did and none of us got along. I started working at a real estate agency my junior year and my mom was still on welfare and social security. She would meet guys on the internet and they were f***ing weirdos. It almost got violent with two of them, as they didn’t like kids and just wanted to f*** my mom. It was disgusting. My mom’s depression was always getting worse, with her medication not working twice a year and the doctors having to up the dose or change the c***tail. My senior year it got really bad, my mom went around talking about how she was going to light the town-home on fire. The cops came and took her to the hospital where they let her out the next day, believing her to be sane. What the literal f***?! So I called my friends parents, who were kind of like my parents, and they came and got me and they let me move in with them. I spent my senior year commuting 20 minutes a day in my car. A 2003 Ford Focus and I loved it. I would have more sex, was still doing okay in my AP classes, and was in a leadership position in the business club I was involved in. Senior year drug on and before it was over I got kicked out for reasons I’m not quite certain of. But oh well. The people who were kind of like my parents now hated me and I wasn’t sure why. Still don’t know why. But, my aunt was nice enough to let me live with her until I could move into a house for rent and go to college.

Ah, community college. I decided to go to the cheapest party school I could find. It was in the city of Akron and it was close to where I worked. I was ready to begin life. This is where I’m at today. I don’t talk to my mom, have no clue what happened to my dad, and my little brother and sister and I are closer than we have ever been. I sell LSD on the side. I hate myself for it, but my part-time job isn’t enough to support myself and I don’t have time to get a second job with classes. It brings in better money than I could have imagined. But my life has reached a point when I realize that there isn’t any hope for me. I’m doing s***ty in school, I’m already becoming another ‘cycle of poverty’ statistic and it’s horrible. I thought I was on my way to a better life. But it’s the opposite, I’m going into debt, I’m losing my job, and I suck at school. I’m failing classes at the s***tiest community college. I got accepted to much better schools and yet, here I am, failing what should be the easiest school on the Sate. My best friends who I’m living with now are driving me nuts. I am slowly starting to hate them and I feel so alone again. I still have a lot of sex, but I can’t find a significant other. It’s like, girls want to f*** me, but don’t want to be with me. Why? I’m not quite sure. It hurts but it doesn’t make me suicidal. What has me suicidal at the moment is this feeling that I’m as far as I’m going to get, and that I’m going to fail. I’m going to end up poor or in jail. I just want to die, more than anything I just want to die. I don’t want to see what my future brings, I no longer want to see the faces of the kids I would have some day, I no longer want to be the best f***ing dad in the world. My parents didn’t want me, they didn’t want to try. Everyone else in my family won’t talk to me because I refuse to talk to my mother. But f*** them all, I don’t want them in my life. They don’t understand. Nobody f***ing understands. I’ve told this story so many times and yet, people continue to believe that I’m ok. Nothing is okay, nothing in my life is going right. I’m going nowhere and I know it. I’m a piece of s*** and my life is just a burden. There’s no hope for me and I want this short synopsis of my life to be my death note. I am just an anonymous person who will fade away. It will be like I never existed. I have no legacy, I have no estate. All I have is the cold reality of hopelessness. All my ambitions, no matter how high or low, are still so far out of reach. I refuse to be another bottom feeder like my parents. I refuse to leech off good people like they do. The only salvation for the poor is death. I think I’ll buy a shotgun with my next paycheck, and some shells and I’m just going to drive until my car runs out of gas and I’m just going to take my life. At least that way those who care about me won’t have to find me with my head in pieces.

I would often find solace in helping people. I love helping people. With money, with advice, with a silent ear. Every depressed person I know was suicidal over some stupid s***. Yet I would try to empathize because I knew that dark place, that lost and hopeless feeling. Sometimes, it helped people. For others though, they just kept on going on depressed and hopeless over their stupid s***. These people helped me to realize the selfishness of the world. The stupidity that is humanity.

I am a poor man. I was born poor, I was raised poor and my life has no worth. As a person, I have no value. The poor are like animals, they offer little to the established world and once they die, they are replaced with more poor people. The poor are forgotten, the poor exist for just a moment.

I am a poor man. I am in every country, in every corner of the earth. I am the victim of chance, the punching bag of the rich. And in the moment I’m lost, taken from the inside… tear me apart from the inside out, for I am not a person, but a living toy with no control over the life I live. In the end, the only thing that I, a poor man, am promised in the world is the death that is just as certain as the laughable life I have lived.

And to think, you believed that YOU had problems.

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