Clearly, there’s a reason why I’m not chosen to play first in the main music piece. My skill level is nowhere near a fantastic and nearly flawless player like her. Hell, I can’t even manage to play a piece that I have seemingly been solid on without huge errors in a performance. Despite working hard and playing exceedingly well at the performance four days ago, I basically f***ed up an important performance today.
I could never meet the expectations that I and others have established. I will continue to fail others and reveal that I can’t be relied on. How can I possibly expect to receive an honor of playing principal chair if I can’t even consistently perform the best? I now understand that I should lower my expectations for myself and reconsider the reasons as to why I am where I am.
Obviously, I don’t deserve what I can’t achieve.
Is it necessary to compare yourself with her or anyone else? Because deep down isn’t it more important that you know you have tried your best already…. I think it is fine if you make mistakes as long as you learn from it. I am sure one day you will be able to play as you have expected yourself to play. It is enough to know that you have tried your very best I think. Don’t pressure yourself by seeing the achievement of others. Your flaws makes you who you are. No one is perfect in this world so I hope that you will keep following your passion.