Somewhere To Write

Posted by Anonymous on 2013/07/15 under Uncategorized

Ugh. I don’t feel welcome anymore. And yeah I never know what I’m saying so you can ignore this if you want, I’m not asking for anything, I just hate bottling up emotions for some reason. Why didn’t you offer to make me a mod when we joined that new wiki? Why did you ask Rachel and Poptart and not me? I hate the fact that if I don’t start the conversation, there won’t be one. Did you even miss me this week? Do you realize that I cry over you a lot? Do you even realize anything at all? Do you?
I hate being the one who loves more. You never tell me that I mean anything to you. I probably don’t, right? Well guess what, I can’t f***ing take this anymore. These thoughts are running through my head, and I can’t make them stop. It’s so hard. It’s so hard that you’re always doing things right, and I’m doing things wrong. It hurts so much. It drives me insane.
I know I’m the one with the stupid ass problems, and I get that. But let me tell you something: The slightest hint that you may not be happy sets me off. Makes me unable to sleep. I would do anything to help you. I would die for you, but you don’t care do you? I’d do anything for you. But you wouldn’t. I’m literally nothing to you. Just because I’m annoying and clingy and weird. And ugly. If I was f***ing pretty you’d love me. I can’t f***ing help how I look.
Every f***ing day I tell you how much I love you, but you never loved me. You never cared. It’s not your fault, I wouldn’t like me either, and I get that. But it still hurts. It hurts having a friend who seems to do so many things right. Our friendship isn’t even f***ing mutual anymore. It’s me loving you. It’s me caring, and you not.
I know that you have anxiety, and I know that you don’t like opening up a lot. I get that. But you know what? I’d step out of my comfort zone for you. And it makes me so frustrated when you don’t. I know it’s hard for you. But if you loved me, you’d do it. Why did you go through my “her” page all those times, and not mention anything? I knew you went on them, I’m no idiot. So I don’t even know what to feel anymore. You are the only reason I enjoy living.

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