Posted by Anonymous on 2013/07/11 under Uncategorized GET OUT OF MY HEAD please.
I’m really tired of this. It’s maddening. Please stop.
I thought I was rid of you—I’m gone now, I’ve left, but you’re still here.
You’re here when I hear my favorite songs, when I close my eyes.
At night you are the one holding me.
But then my eyes open, and your face disintegrates into the darkness.
I don’t know if you loved me. I can’t think, I can’t tell
When I look back and remember
It’s all just a tug of war, but I’m not entirely sure
If you were on the other end of the rope
Or if it was another part of me
Maybe it was my conscience.
I pretend that’s what it might have been.
But I do remember most of all the crippling fright and insecurities.
I remember living in a cage of uncertainty,
Holding onto wispy hopes that disappeared one by one like dust.
But they still exist. They follow me.
Like smoke, they travel up to the tips of my mind.
And when I dream, they resurface.
And I gasp awake, silently trying to sort out the truth with fantasy.
Is it embarrassing to say
I dreamed of your hands? And your arms? And your eyes?
I know, at least, though sad its quite true
I think I know you enough
To know you would never love me.
But I swear you care–and if you do
Know that your memory still lingers
And kindness is only torture
Just delayed until you’re gone.