Posted by Anonymous on 2013/03/31 under Uncategorized I hate it when people tell me that I will meet someone right just for me soon; I never wanted to be direct about this whole subject because I dare not to be vulgar about my diction. I don’t have a problem with others falling in love as long as they don’t make out in front of me, though I believe that is the case with most people to begin with. How do you explain to someone that the mere thought of me falling in love simply disgusts me? I want to throw up. It’s sickening. Disgusting. Take no insults to those happily in love, And I’ve did some thinking since I was asked questions. Am I afraid to love others? Is it because I am unable to love myself first? It’s true that I already feel uncertain in friendships May I tell you a story? A story of which I believe has caused me to view romance in such ways? You see, I have a cousin. A female cousin. I wouldn’t exactly say we have a close relationship, I’m probably a last resort if she is lonely. She often brags to me about the things she Looks, money, friends, boyfriend. And before you come to the conclusion that I am simply jealous, She always bragged, to me, my sister, anyone within her sights. It’s really annoying and I had quickly caught onto that. Her first boyfriend was when she was roughly thirteen or fourteen–I forget. About bragging? She talked him endlessly about him, invited him I would pretend to be happy for her, but I quickly got fed up with her. Love is fickle, I suppose. They broke up and got back together a lot. We were forced to lie that there was no boy in her life to her parents and to ours. I hated my cousin. Even before this, she made us her servants, just because we were naive. I hate her, I think what made it worse was when this first boyfriend came over We were gathered in her brother’s room and I believe they were having intercourse. It’s only an assumption, seeing how she once cried after they broke up for good that he had apologized for taking her first time. I could only assume that this first time was well, you know, her innocence. People are allowed to love. I believe people should be allowed to love. It doesn’t matter what sexual orientation or whatever, as long as the love is mutual and happy. I believe this much yet I am given confusion and laughs as I tell others I believe I am most likely an aromantic asexual. I feel no need, no desire to be in a romantic relationship. I simply hate being touched and thoughts about love and sex concerning myself is so disgusting that I could almost throw up. People tell me I am lucky, people who have suffered one-sided crushes or had been involved in bad relationships. Am I truly lucky? I’ve never experienced what it is like to have a crush, Loving someone looks fun, Conflicts in my feelings are odd, I don’t want to love. I never felt a yearning to be loved either.
that I will one day take my words back about not wanting to marry or have kids;
that I am just simply behaving like a child and not wanting to have a love life.
I am just as happy for you two but I am
not comfortable with love as a subject.
and it’s true that I rather despise who I am but
love… I suppose it is beautiful, but also ugly.
seeing how she would only visit my house when
she isn’t with her boyfriend or friends.
has and that I do not be it;
would you believe me if I said I didn’t care?
She brags but tries to make it indirectly just so you can
praise her a bit more on what she has.
to my house which by the way is not her house and would smooch
him right in front of my sister who was at that time about eight and
me roughly around ten years old.
She used up my computer time to talk to him for hours, maintaining
a somewhat long distance. She would cry at the computer too and
expected two little kids aka me and my sister to comfort her.
at their house, introduced as a “friend” and simply walked in a family party.
I believe they were… how does one put this in a way most modest…
yet people do look beautiful when they are in love.
but I feel like I could be sick.
but I’m sure I will never love.