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Posted by on 2013/03/04 under Uncategorized

I am the only person in my group of friends who has fallen in love. They’ve all had boyfriends and kissed and one of them isn’t a virgin, but they haven’t fallen in love. Even they admit it. The thing is, whenever we play Truth or Dare or something like that and they ask, “Have you ever been in love?”, I have to say “No.” because otherwise, they would laugh and tease me and ask which guy I’ve got a crush. But it’s not a guy. And it’s not a crush. It’s one of them.
I’m not saying, “She’s the one.” or anything like that. I know she’s not. First of all, she’s straight. Second of all, if, by some weird, messed up miracle, we ended up in a relationship, it would be pretty one-sided: me comforting her about being stressed about grades, her telling me she really does care, me not believing her because I’m too afraid to trust in love…
But it’s not a crush. I’ve had crushes. They’re like little secrets you can whisper to your friend and share a glance as your “crush” walks by. Maybe your heart skips a beat and you feel a little flushed and you think he’s hot and you try to be around him a lot. They’re little sparks of fascination that you can hold in your heart and cherish because you love that feeling of falling for someone. But you can cherish it because you’re in control. That’s not what I feel. I am in love. I am lost; I am falling; I am spiraling into a mess of infatuation and worship and respect. I am NOT in control. I feel destroyed from the inside out when I see her in her car driving away from the front of the school. I feel empty, like a walking shell of blind infatuation, when I know I won’t see her for a while.
I tried to wait it out. I tried not to think about the feel of her light brown curls running through my fingers. I tried not to think about her perfect skin, her oval face, her sharp cheekbones. She’s not perfect. She’s not even that beautiful. But she seems perfectly beautiful to me. I tried not to think about the control she has of her body when she dances so expressively and joyfully. I tried not to think about the way I feel like I’ve been hit in the face with a truck each morning when she walks in with her carefully constructed half-indie, half-preppie outfits. I tried not to think about the shock of electricity I get when her toes brush mine during a sleepover, or when her fingertips brush the back of my neck if I ask her to help me undo the clasp on a necklace. I tried not to think of how my heart jumps when I see her oblivious, innocent, sleeping face, free of worries. I tried to tell myself I was DEFINITELY straight. Because I thought I was. I mean, I don’t have anything against any other orientation; I’m an Ally after all, but I just never thought it was for me. And now, this?! I tried to wait it out, but I’ve been in love for almost a year now. That’s all. Thanks for reading.
~ Hope L. Esslyinlove

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