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Posted by on 2013/01/27 under Uncategorized

I was talking to a girl that I’ll name Z in December, 2011. She was so very.. beyond. I always got this heavily positive vibe from her. Before I knew her and beyond how she looked, I got just.. positivity. It was great. We stopped talking for some reason and it hurt me, but it hurt her also. She wouldn’t respond to my messages or anything, so after a month of that, I stopped trying. She said (a year later) it was because it was a difficult time for her and that she wishes she had handled it better.
February came of 2012 and I got a girlfriend that I’ll name S. She was great. She really was. I know that people cannot be compared, but my feelings for them almost can be. I will say this: i have never felt about anybody what I felt for Z, like she had her own category. I wrote poetry for S, we went on dates, we did cute things and we had sex. We had sex very fast actually, which didn’t bother me, but not because that’s what i wanted: i never thought about it until it happened. It was not aimed for or anything in my mind. Now looking back, maybe that was a warning sign.
It was all fun and games until the summer (June, July and August 2012) when I wanted to hang with friends (girls and boys alike) that she started getting ridiculously jealous. I mean, wanting me to go above and beyond extreme to compensate. It got to be too much because she was a very depressed girl and, though i tried my best for a while to help her, eventually realized that most of the things she had to change could only be done herself and for herself. Me being in the picture would just twist up attachments and motivation. The main was because I was tired of the fighting, the jealousy, and all of that. I stopped seeing the universe in her eyes. it just was not the same.
from time to time i still thought about Z, but in my mind it was dead, so i would soosh the idea away whenever it would arrive.
S and I broke up in August (well, this is when i tried to) but she kept arguing (somehow) that we just needed a break and finding some way to manipulate what i say so that we wouldn’t be over for good (i mean, it was pathetic and desperate, not being mean at all). she would lie to her friends and parents so that she could appear to me to be in a bind and i would help her out, spend time with her, talk to her and comfort her because of her depression. sure, i missed her too but i knew that we wouldn’t work, so it was foolish to keep it going, for both of us. even if she did love me or something, it wouldnt be real because i didn’t love her.
i started talking to Z again in November. Not because i thought “i can finally talk to her because i broke up with S,” but because she drifted back into my mind, like always, and one day it just so happened she came over and we and we got drunk together and kissed. It doesn’t sound beautiful, but we listened to beautiful music, and just fell in love with the fact that it actually happened. We didn’t have to pretend anymore. She didn’t have to act like she didn’t care that i had a girlfriend, and i didn’t have to shoosh away my thoughts about her. It was amazing.
For a while S and I didn’t talk, like I said, but in early December I, upon feeling guilty and jerkish, wanted to help S because she claimed to have had no one else to go to. My frustration because of her manipulative, controlling and conniving ways got the best of me sometimes, and even though i tried everything before hand, I ended up, sometimes, putting the truth in a blunt and harsh way. So i felt bad. I wanted to do something because she said she didnt have anyone. I want to help people. But this turned ugly when she flirted with me and did all these things that, when i would point them out, she would make it seem like nothing, so i would stop pointing them out because i ended up looking dumb. We ended up having sex again but we were drunk. Im not blaming it on being drunk, because i should have known beforehand that it was a bad idea and i might do something stupid.
I decided to tell Z and so i did. She was hurt and couldnt stop crying. This went on for days. I felt like i wanted to stop existing, because this girl meant the world to me and i screwed her over. she was nothing but great to me and foolish ol’ me went and f’d it up. her chances and mine. how does that make sense? it doesn’t. it never will. As shallow as it is, i have to admit that if i can provide one explanation, it would be because as a male teen i get testosterone surges and Z and i werent having sex so it was easier to say yes when your ex did everything and all you had to do was say yes. I am so wrong. at this point i dont think i will ever forgive myself.
i thought we Z and I were done and said she just couldnt trust me. Upon feeling deep sorrow, and wanting to just drink it away (i didnt) i ended up going back to my ex. I admitted that i didnt want to get back with her and that it wouldnt work but we still had sex. the only explanation i can think is that she would take whatever she could get because maybe it was a backdoor back into a relationship for her. i dont know.
Z found out and banned me from speaking to her. My feelings then were beyond words. It was worse figuring out that she would have given me a second chance had i not done that, but i didnt think she would so i had a “f it” attitude. I should not have went back to S regardless of that though, that’s what i realize.
It just hurts seeing Z in the hall listening to the music we discovered each other to. i listen to it every night going to bed and just think about her. i beat myself black and blue because of what i did and because of it what i lost. i wake up from dreaming of her and i am already crying. it is almost beyond my wildest dreams to have the pleasure of her just talking to me again. One word. One genuine conversation. I’m leaving for college in the fall and we will part, maybe forever. I can’t handle it. I saw so SO SO SO much in her. I mean, i saw so much in what she would become, I saw a lot of what i wanted to be in her and in how she acted.. just everything. I can’t believe i lost that.
I know a lot of this is in emotion, but on a rational level, i closed a door that could promote so much growth in character and intellectuality, in love and beyond in her and i closed it.
I will always love you and I promise to become a better person from what i have done. i will keep your promise and not do that to anyone ever again. I am trying harder every day to find the man i plan to be.
This is ABuildingBlock.

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