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Posted by on 2012/12/02 under Uncategorized

i tend to clear my head best and think most logically when I write everything out and leave my feelings in teh words. I can’t talk to anyone except kristen and with her there’s nothing left to say, we’ve been through everything. I cannot talk to my mom she will judge him and I know she will never like if i bring him over. Her opinion means so much to me that’s why he hasnt come over before. My dad is on a plane and doesnt like to give boy advice and tends to always tell my mom. I cant tell Madi she will judge me too much. Sarah will too and i dont need anyone making this decision harder. All of his friends know also so i feel stupid sticking around, I should be strong enough but I was so happy. I thought I was falling in love and it was for good this time. It was too good to be. This will only result in more issues down the line and im scared. I wanted to sleep with him I wanted to love him completely and this just makes me afraid he will use me. How could he care adn not tell me. He told me when he got caught and its as simple as that, he even had the nerve to make me write his research paper. What he could get out of it was more important than me. He isnt a man hes scared. He would be just as hurt if I did that to him. I dont deserve it. I always get walked on in relationships. My mom says im loyal to a fault. I cant intentionally hurt someone I would feel too bad about myself. Its just hard to find anyone with a conscience anymore, that has the capability of caring about someone more than themselves. Im just dissappointed because I thought he wouldnt, i thought he was different. he just proved to be the same as every other a****** i have met. The problem is we werent dating so i have no right to feel any of this. I know i dont. I know this. I dont know why I let it hurt me so bad. He isnt mine im not his. but now that i threaten to go he wants to make a committment. I guess im just confused. Technically nothing is different, we werent dating then and we arent now so that will remain the same. I guess im just going to take it one day at a time. See how things go but also to keep my options open. You never know when God will open a window. the funny thing is i just hope its with him.

thanks for reading my rant, it made me feel better
give any advice

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