Posted by Anonymous on 2015/07/24 under Uncategorized I honestly have no idea how to start this. I’m hoping that my feelings are just gonna control my fingers and spell out the problem for me so I don’t have to delve and dig through my memories, and go through all those painful things again. Today has been such a hard day. Too hard of a day. I honestly am not sure how long this has to continue in my life before I finally just have to give up and surrender. Surrender to something I actually don’t understand. Which part of what somebody else did to me has made me the way I am now. I think what I’m trying to say Is that i’m scared of losing myself. I always want to be that girl who is super weird but you think its endearing. I’m scared i’m losing her, and i’m losing you. Don’t go anywhere, I promise i’m not trying to be like this.
But i just don’t know what part of my journey to go back to to make all this stop for us. Was it the abuse? The neglect? The three f***ing abortions? which part has left me so battered and broken I can barely breathe, sleep or eat. Which part of this s***storm has put me in this position where I am using weed of all things for a emotional crutch. I like to think on the outside to everyone else in the world I look so fierce, like a lioness or a dragon or something magnificent like that. But you get to see what I really am. A 21 year old girl who thinks too much about everything. And what is with my weight. I have honestly thought about it so much I don’t even know what fat is. I don’t know who skinny is, and I have no clue who I am.
I wish I was a mermaid, with hair all down my back swimming through the ocean and you would be my dolphin companion. We would fight pirates and at night I would turn into the lunar cat you know and love. But i am not a mermaid. I am just sat smoking weed every night and I take prescription meds to stay skinny. That is definitely not something a dragon lioness/mermaid princess would do. How painfully pathetic I am when I think about it. What should I do. Take another 3 months off work to hide in my bedroom?
Got that perfect storm going on. Hereditary mental health issues and a absolute fail of a childhood have really taken their toll. I’m 21, I should be out partying and having friends, Not crying into my rillakuma plush collection wishing I was a skinny beautiful goddess.
Although I do think I have nice features. You like my skinny nose, my soft skin and long dark hair which I always ensure is sleek and shiny.
Except for when I don’t. Except for when I just leave myself to get absolutely filthy before doing anything about it because I am too depressed to shower. I don’t think I’ve ever been able to explain why i sometimes feel like that. Its just i don’t know, I don’t deserve to be shiny and pretty? Maybe? I’m not sure. Depression does bats*** crazy things to be that I honestly don’t understand. Like crying into my bottle of diet coke that I have forced myself to enjoy. (tastes like s***)
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You are depressed. Maybe see a therapist? We all go through a lot. We have to make peace with it. I had to sit down and picture my anxiety.. give it color.. and shape.. watch it till it went away. Mundane stuff like this you have to repeat. Meditate and find urself. Love urself and look inside you.