Posted by Anonymous on 2015/07/12 under Uncategorized I feel exhausted right now, actually more like numb. My entire life my father has been someone who has always been an overwhelming presence in my life. I won’t say I hate him, I’m not that child anymore who used to wish that he would die on a daily basis. I used to hate him so much, but eventually I came to hate myself more than anyone else in the world. Time and time again I’ve come to realize the problem with my life is me. I’m the one who ruined everything. I feel useless. My life is meaningless. Yeah, those cliche feelings. Just a while ago for the first time in a while my dad started saying what he has always said “why are you so dumb”, “you can’t do anything”, “god, why are my daughters so stupid”. I’ve heard these things throughout basically my entire life, it had just been a while since he’s said them. Just like always, because of my stubborn nature, I got mad and went to my room. I tried to shake off the feelings that were building up inside of me. You see when I was a little girl, I honestly had such a horrible temper, when I would get mad I would go into my room and just break something, destroy something, make a mess, that would help release my anger, although when I was calm I would usually regret what I had done. I used to take out my anger on other things and blame other people, but now I blame myself, I take out everything out on myself. Today when I locked myself in my room I had a bit of a breakdown, I started hitting myself on my head with my cellphone while I was sobbing into a pillow. His words that I had gotten so used to still affect me just as much as all the other times he’s said them. I kept thinking about how useless I was while hitting myself. This is a rather new thing for me to do, I started hitting myself a only a few months ago, I bang my head against a wall, or I punch myself, scatch myself, pull my hair. I don’t know why I do it, but I just do. I really don’t know, it could be that my dad doesn’t hit me anymore like when I was younger, so instead I hit myself? Or I could be just punishing myself because of how much I hate myself, as I said I’ve come to hate myself quite a bit.I honestly don’t know. Although I didn’t always hate myself, I mean I’ve always been very self conscious so I’ve never been happy with my appearance, but I used to believe that if I got away from my family my life would be better, I could be better. I remember that I held that belief as early as third grade, I was only 8 years old, I couldn’t wait to grow up and go to college so I could get away from my dad and my family. Yeah, my dad isn’t the only problem surrounding me. I can often recall the many moments when my dad would say hurtful things to me, you would expect a mother to protect her child from such things, or a sister to comfort you when you were alone in your room crying. That didn’t happen to me. Now that I think about it my mother has also said many cruel things to me. Yes I regard her words as cruel, rather than my father’s because she was someone who I felt I could trust growing up, but that definetly changed over time. One of my most painful memories happened when I was hiding in my closet, silently crying after another incident with my father. My mother came in and found me “why can’t you be a normal girl” I remember those words perfectly. Something like “Why are you crying?” “Do you want to talk?” are words that I’ve never heard from her, or anyone for that matter. She might have meant something along the lines that it was strange for me to be so emotional, but it could have meant so much more. I know she’s always been disappointed in me in so many ways. I’m not a nice, polite, and feminine girl like my older sister. Maybe that’s why everyone prefers her over me. I don’t remember the exact age I was, maybe 9-11 years old, my oldest sister (I have only two sisters), invited my sister, let’s call her Emma, to the zoo, my mischievous little self was listening over their conversation without them knowing. I was so excited to be visiting the zoo, since I assumed I was invited, my excitement was soon crushed, “no I don’t want her to come” my oldest sister told Emma. I cried so much when that happened. Ever since then I’ve always noticed how everyone in my family has always liked her more than me. My parents rely on her more, they love her more. I wish I was like her. Ironic, since she’s the person I’m closest to. That just goes to show you how little anyone knows me and how I really feel. I’ve kept all my feeling bottled up inside of me my entire life. They’ve just kept building and building and sometimes I think I might explode. Like the days where I’m shaking on the bathroom floor, and sobbing into a towl to muffle my cries because I don’t want anyone to hear me, because no one should know how much I wish I didn’t exist. Its strange how I’m so affected by how I grew up. I have six siblings and my father was a pretty terrible father to all of them. What’s wrong with me? Why am I the only one who became worthless? After about an hour of writing this I feel exhausted still, but so much better that I could get some of these things off my chest. There are so many more instances of feeling unwanted, of having feelings of hatred, of self hatred, having suicidal thoughts, and abuse and self abuse. I’ve never gotten help because I feel like I don’t deserve it and I have to deal with this by myself. I know that’s bad but I can’t help it. There are days when I feel like things are getting better, but everything always collapses for me eventually. Even as I wrote this my father kept called me fat, and yet again my sister said nothing, did nothing, ignored my crying and acted as if nothing happened. Why can’t I be cheery like her? Why can’t i get over things quickly and maybe have some hope. Hope that everything will be okay, that I’ll be okay. Everything just sticks to me like a scar and I just can’t get rid of all the crap that has ever happened to me. I’m scared of my future. I feel like I’m not good at anything and I’m a complete failure. I’ll be 17 years old in 2 days (July 13). All the things that my dad has said to me, he doesn’t know how much they affect me. I’ll be 18 soon and I’ll graduate high school. I don’t have any confidence in my self. I don’t believe in myself. There is no one by my side. That’s how I feel constantly. I honestly can’t see a future for myself, which scares me. I look at suicide, but that just scares me even more. That means that I really am useless, but I don’t want to be useless like I’ve always been told. I wanted to write this here because, well the site is called Somewhere To Write, pretty convenient. I dont want to tell anyone else aboreading.., I feel like they wouldn’t believe how depressed I feel. I didn’t want to write this on my Instagram(its an anonymous fan page) because I don’t want to bug anyone. I just simply wanted to write this here, where it won’t draw to much attention. Whoever reads this, well thanks for reading? I don’t expect many people to though. I apologize for any grammar or spelling mistakes! My head hurts from crying and hitting myself.
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I wrote this, ahh so many mistakes its my phones fault not mine :-/