Posted by Anonymous on 2015/06/05 under Uncategorized There are these incredible moments when I truly feel happy and they are so fleeting it leaves me feeling emptier than before. There are moments when I don’t understand life at all, why things happen or why my reality is so damn depressing. My cousin recently moved in with me after his parents forced him to do so, I felt like this was my chance to connect with someone in my family but my efforts are proving fruitless. He seems extremely uninterested in my existence, it is pathetic I even want to have any type of friendship with him and the sad part is that I still do. I really don’t understand what is so wrong with me that he avoids me constantly, you’d think living together we would see each other’s faces at least once a day but he is doing an incredible job at keeping himself away. I try to be friendly and he acts cordial then takes off.
I thought by this point in my life I would have good friends but everytime I spend time with the ones I do have, it feels like I’m not connecting at all. Sometimes I wonder if I feel so empty because the majority of those around me are so superficial. I try to be just as superficial as them, you know… sit around staring at my phone as we hang out but its not real and I just end up feeling worst. I used to be close to my siblings but the older we grow the farther apart we become. We used to be very close but then they started their own lives and as time passes by I realize that we are turning into strangers. It is so sad. I’ve tried to fix things, I’ve tried connecting with my siblings, my friends and recently I’ve even tried to get closer to my fathers family but they do not respond. It feels like my world is shrinking and every attempt I make pushes me closer to the edge. I understand now why my dad decided to end it all, stepping into adulthood is slowly driving me insane.
Sometimes I wonder if something is wrong with me or if people have become so taken by the materialistic that people like me are just anomalies who get to drown in their own thoughts. I’ve tried finding a partner, a hopeful side of me decided maybe a significant other would change the direction my life is headed in but it never worked out. I’ve even done that “Im gonna love myself, don’t need anyone else” game but I still felt the same. I want a connection, I crave it from wherever it comes whether it be family, friends or lovers. Maybe one day I will be able to find that thing Im looking for, even though Im not sure what is missing to begin with.