Posted by Anonymous on 2015/05/06 under Uncategorized Let me start out by saying that I am a male teen with depression, and this is the first time i’ve done something like this. I just feel horrible and want to write this down somwhere. With that said let’s talk about my problems. Generally, I used to be a pretty happy child, a little aggressive, but happy nonetheless. I used to get into fights with other kids that were my age. I don’t know why, but I think I liked the attetion that I got. In 4th grade I came to the conclusion that school was a waste of my time. I didn’t do any work and just sat in class daydreaming. When my grades started to drop my teacher had a meeting with my mom and the school counselor. They asked me why I wasn’t working. I told them that I felt that there was no point in working if I wasn’t going to be here in the future. They asked what I meant. I said that I was planning on killing myself and I burst into tears. I didn’t mean for it to come out, I just said it. My mother was berserk taking me to see all these doctors and therapists. Eventually I was put on medication and everything was fine and dandy. Fast foward a few years. I’m in 7th grade and everything was fine. I got the occasional relapse from time to time but I usually felt better in a few hours. But middle school was a nightmare. I never realized how cruel and ruthless some of the kids were until middle school. I was bullied. I was called names. You know, the usual fat, ugly, stupid. I got into more fights and hung around in the wrong crowd. I allowed the group I was in to tell me what to do, no matter how stupid. I liked their reactions, it made me feel important. One time I got suspended because they dared me to walk around with my pubes hanging out. I was a f***ing idiot and I don’t know why I listened. Actually I do know why, because I got their respect when I did dumb s*** like this. I realized that I liked the attention that I got from people. Whether it be pity, sympathy, or disgust I didn’t care! I loved it. I craved it. During this time period I had fallen into deep depression. Sometimes I went to sleep as soon as I came home from school. I began to think of ways to take my life, but I realized after one failed attempt that I was too much of a coward to do it. It wasn’t much better in eighth grade. I got into a lot of fights. Sometimes for no reason whatsoever.
I had a close friend that helped me out during this time. He showed me that I was hanging around the wrong crowd. I agreed and left those ‘friends’ forever. Now I was back to square one. When I was in that group everyone knew my name. I think I was ‘popular’ in a sense. I tagged along with another group. They were funny and always had girls hanging around them. It hit me. I should focus on being the class clown so I can satify my needs for attention and maybe get rid of my depression. It worked for a little bit and I made some new friends and some new enemies too, but ultimatly I couldn’t get the nagging feeling out of my head whenever I got in trouble. I had already been suspended twice this year. One more time and I could be expelled. I decided to try going quiet for a little bit. For the first few days people asked me what was wrong and I gave them some excuse but every now and then I would wisecrack or make a joke. I realized I couldn’t supress my joking side and let it loose. This where my story ends for now. Writing this made me realize that my life isn’t so bad after all. I am proud to be who I am and nobody can tell me otherwise. Life has it’s ups and downs but once I get out of school for summer, I’m going to be making some big changes.