Posted by Anonymous on 2014/02/10 under Uncategorized I love her, I really do, that is if I can really pinpoint what “love” really is. We’ve been dating since the end of August and we entered a formal relationship in December. I’m studying abroad in Spain right now and the distance is really putting a strain on our relationship. We are usually long-distance but only by a state away at the most. She loves to talk – there doesn’t even need to be a conversation, she just enjoys talking to me. Before I left, we would talk all-day, everyday. She seemed to need this confirmation that I was still there; still interested in her. Now that I am abroad, communication is very limited, but she is still trying to talk every possible chance she gets. I understand that communication is an important part of a relationship, but it seems like she needs this communication or else she won’t be able to function properly. Over the course of our relationship, her friends have been seemingly pushing her out of their friend group: not telling her about parties, not inviting her to hang outs, talking behind her back – and I’m worried that it’s because she is so focused on me. I am always telling her to focus on school and on her friends because it’s her last year of high school and I want her to enjoy it. I don’t want our relationship to get in the way of her life. I tell her over and over again that I am secondary right now. She needs to focus on school, but her feelings are just extremely strong (and she makes it very clear) and they seem to override her common sense. I’m afraid she’s separating herself from everyone and only focusing on the two of us. I don’t want her to do that and I don’t want to break up with her, because I care about her very much. And if I did break up with her then she would be left with no one. She’d be devastated that I left and I am not too sure how her friends would act towards her afterwards. Sympathy or further neglect? I don’t know.. This is all so confusing and I have feelings for her, but she is smothering me from across an ocean, just as she smothered me when I was in the States. She is very affectionate and I’ve made it very clear that I understand she has feelings for me and that hanging on my shoulder, leaning on me, practically laying on top of me, and pushing herself into me as if she wanted to become one being right there and then (all in public or with family/friends around) make me feel uncomfortable. I have told her that that is all fine when we’re alone, yet she continues to do it at inappropriate times. It’s actually very aggravating because after I can’t take anymore, I confront her, but then she acts like I’m the one acting odd and plays victim. I can’t win. And I enjoy talking to her, but not all the time. I tell her that alone time is important, but she doesn’t respect mine and doesn’t want any of her own because she’d rather be talking to me. What can I do?
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Subtle reminders that familiarity breeds contempt but in a nice way; I hate watching the same tv show episodes over and over again, it almost becomes repetitive, do you ever find that, if you watch 6 episodes of Simpsons in a row, it somehow loses it’s punch…I think that’s why the TV shows only ever show two per day.
If she’s smart, she’ll see what you’re alluding too and might get the hint, especially if you use the words ‘love’ and ‘hate’ ie. I love it when I watch The Simpsons but I hate watching it multiple times in one sitting/one day..
You could try and establish ground rules and make out as if you’re continuously busy at certain times of the day to take phone calls or reply in conversations so you always get your alone time. It’s kind of endearing but will definitely get under your skin if you don’t nip it in the bud soon. She dotes on you more than she should; sounds like her first bf/love/crush?
Speak your thoughts out loud in conversations sometimes to get her listening to the way you feel without being harsh ie. You know what! I can’t wait for you to finish school, you’re gonna have such an amazing end of year celebration with all your buds (and then let her in on how it was one of the best times you had growing up and you can’t imagine how crest-fallen you’d be had you missed it).
She’s blinded herself to all the social cues but your voice has a real stronghold over her; gently mould her character into a more understanding and relaxed girl who has the security of knowing you’re always there when she needs you but ultimately focuses on her education and family so she can ensure her longevity with you.
Failing that, cruel to be kind; in the right measure!