Posted by Anonymous on 2013/07/15 under Uncategorized Okay, all my life I have been extreamly sensitive and I live up to the typical explanation of a cancer star sign. After a lot of putting up with his behavour (for a week) everything felt as though it was improving… But one night my mum was coming upstairs and smelt something, she went into his room… And we found out he had been using aerosols. There was a moment where mum slapped him- she’s never actually slapped anyone, and she’s never been abusive and the action left her shook up, and so we told him that he was going the next day. But we didn’t make to the next day as that night he told my mum he was going out for a fag- but he didnt come back. He had run away and despite mum and dad saying he would be kicked out, they desperately searched for him. I (now your going to be shocked) but I didn’t actually care one bit, I mean its not like we were going to keep him in the house but when he runs away on his own they look for him? It really didn’t make sense to me- I mean I could have done with leaving it there and then, just forget about him like he forgets about us when he does these things… He came back (again) and now we don’t have the support of the doctors because he lied to them and we have been to everyone who can help, he’s now with a ex-druggy who helps a lot but we still have to deal with him everyday- the fact we still think he’s on drugs doesn’t help, and his mood chagnes all the time and we all know we can’t help untill he helps himself. We thought it was going well again untill he shaved his eyebrows off for no reason. He’s still annoyingly selfish and doesn’t care about anyone else. So whilst this has been going on, I have also been having to deal with my GCSE’s. if that wasn’t enough, my best friend has also been having trouble. She thinks she’s depressed, she was slitting her wrists and despite all the help we tried to give her she still thought everything was fighting against her and she had no one to help her. She didn’t let us help. So I’ve been dealing with her suicidlal thoughts on my own- as our other friend stopped hanging with us. However when school finished she changed compleatly, she was happy. She found a guy she like and now there building up to a happy relationship… I hope! Haha I hope everything word out for her. Along with this I have also found out that my dad has been lying to the family- or atleast to me. I mean I found out just yesterday my dad smokes. Only normal tobacco, and I tottally wouldn’t care… If only he didn’t lie to us about it. When I knocked and entered he was messing with a box and as the universe loves me so much, time stopped and I got to take in the scene. In front of the box was some tobacco that was clearly his. He riled over the bed and as I said “can I come in” he scream, “get out” at me. I have no idea if my mum knows but my brother didn’t (he guessed) and my mum doesn’t give on that she knows. Under all of this I feel like I have anger problems and could be depressed myself- I get upset when I’m angry, scared almost of what I think of what overcomes me and so I cry and I struggle to stop crying, yet whenever I’m crying for no reason I just blame it on sleep or my period. I don’t know if I am depressed but if i tell my parents they will think its there fault like they do for my brothers state. Although I’ve been feeling like this for about two years. I know I have a lot of self hatered- yet I’m a teenager. I just get back to the fact that I’m just a hormonal teenager and I think we get that pushed into us, that we can’t have anything wrong- that this is just a stage we go through. But… Is it? I mean, is this what it’s supposed to be like? Is this simply a test we have to go through?
I love my family a lot but everything is being torn apart.
Lets start with my brother, he used to be a sweet and curious boy, he’s 4years older then me and I used to respect him. But he got depressed and in a way me and my family turned a blind eye towards his behavour. I think my parents just didn’t want to believe their son could be depressed- or that they just didn’t ‘want’ to believe. After a few months he started to get better and we started to help… But then started smoking weed, my parents decided they were okay with it, but the looked down open it and didn’t want anything in the house. Sadly that didn’t do much. His depression increased, rapidly and he started to steal stuff- he would drink the alchahol and refill it with water, he lied to his boss and ended up losing his job, he was telling them things like ‘I tried to hang myself but my sister came in and stopped me’ me being that sister had no idea he told someone this, and it was a lie. He started to do stupid things for example, he was being told off for drinking all the milk so he started to water that down as well, the same thing started with the orange juice. He started to lie about everything he did. Fast forwarding a little bit, we had the last straw when he stole money from the my saving’s pot and then again with my parents savings, they where in those tin boxes where we though couldn’t be opened with out a tin opener. Unfortunately he cut the part where you put the money in, and opened it up then took the money in constellations. Obviously when we opened the tin we noticed the cut and then we noticed the £60 that was missing…
Fast forward some more and my dad kicked him out after finding him in his room and dealing out drugs into different bags and stuff.
He was gone for a day, during that day we gutted out his room and threw away his drugs. He came back and snuck into the house to check if there were any left. Then two days later he was given the choice to stay and go cold turkey or leave and never come back. He came back.
She later told me that she couldn’t deal with my other friend saying things like: “yay, a day with only a few suicidal thoughts” or “we yeah I spent my weekend thinking of ways to kill myself haha” which was understandable, yet I was left on my own to take care of her. By the ending of school she got worse and started to become an attention seeker- I didn’t find out what attention she wasn’t getting to make her need to do what she was doing.
I already knew, It shouldn’t bother me. I mean once we found some tobacco in a coat pocket- he had told us it was for a mate. And then I found another clue, when I was asked to get something for my mother from the bedroom, I saw some tobacco leftovers on his side of their bed, I knew. But I didn’t want to believe it haha, silly me for wanting to be innocent, it only hurt more when I found out with solid evidence.
I was about to do some quick ironing for my mum and me- as she had instructed me to do so.
I have burst of confidence, where I can feel beautiful and amazing for at the most half a day. But once its over I have a voice that repeatedly reminds me how worthless I am.
And when I’m upset I cry and I get angry at myself, I just want to tear my skin and cut my throat but I don’t. I think about where to cut myself so that no one could see but other then my boobs and you-know-where both of which I obviously dint want to cut or I would just hate myself more.