Somewhere To Write

Posted by Anonymous on 2013/07/15 under Uncategorized

Has anyone ever cried in their dream, when discovered tears streaming down their eyes when they woke up?

I experienced that this morning. I was downright sobbing. I had to stop myself and realize that this was a carryover from my subconscious. I’m otherwise happy and satisfied with how my life has been lately after getting over a personal loss.

I don’t remember much about the beginning of the dream. I was working in an office and I was frustrating a coworker to the point of him slamming the door and walking out of the office. Two things that stood out (because this isn’t the case in real life): I work from home; the upset party is actually one of the nicest people I know and while he’s been frustrated, he’s never been one to take it out on anyone else.

Then I was in a bar/restaurant with some friends for some kind of gathering or meetup. We were talking about some deeply personal stuff. In attendance was a girl I was very good friends with but somehow, we lost touch. It wasn’t really an amicable split (although it wasn’t outright upsetting, either). Things happened and instead of talking it out, we fell out. I blame myself for it sometimes because even though we weren’t friends for very long, I really treasured the friendship. This girl is still a mutual friend of several other close friends. And as stupid as this sounds, “running into her” on Facebook makes me feel awkward, still. In my own weird way, I offered an olive branch via comments over a friend’s status and she more or less rebuffed it. I don’t blame her, because yeah, that’s tacky. But at the time I thought it was right.

Getting back to the dream, I started talking about some personal issues and this girl was off to the side, mocking everything I said. Eventually I got upset, especially when I realize who it was, and started asking her why she no longer wanted to talk to me. She ran out of the restaurant and I followed in pursuit. She was riding a bike around my neighborhood. (I have no restaurant in my neighborhood, nor is this girl from the same neighborhood as I am.) I did catch up with her, and we both fell to the ground. Just crying.

She gave me a reason why she didn’t want to associate with me anymore. Apparently, I said or did something offputting in response to something she did. And I didn’t remember it, or even realize it. I apologized, from the bottom of my heart, for whatever it was I did and told her that it would make me very happy if we were friends again. She looked at me, patted me on the back, and said, “Well, it took you 20-something years to come to this realization, so maybe I’ll consider it when you come around in another 20-something years.”

That’s when I took her bike and made a very grim comment: “Yeah, if I’ll even be around in another 20-something years.” I rode away, as she sat there dumbfounded.

“Wait…what does that mean? Hey, come back,” she yelled, as she then ran after me. I knew what she was thinking: I was alluding to suicide. But when she caught up with me, once again, both of us falling down as she tried to grab me off the bike, I told her no, it wasn’t about wanting to kill myself. It was about realizing that life can end at any time, whether or not we’re ready to accept it.

Before I fell asleep, I read about the death of Cory Monteith of Glee. He was only 31, and he died alone in his hotel room. I’m not much younger than him and as someone who has watched the show (the first season anyway – the only one worth watching!) this had some impact on me. It was sudden, and it was known that he was battling his own demons. Of course, many are drawing the early conclusions that his past addictions is what did him in. In any event, I started crying, saying in between sobs that life is too short to put things like this on delay. I was ready for a reconciliation and she didn’t want it. Who knew if we’d have a chance at another one, for whatever reason?

I don’t think she forgave me, but she was rather empathetic. We both started to cry as we sat in the middle of the street.

And then I woke up, and felt several tears fall down my cheek. I even sobbed a time or two. Was what I was feeling that powerful?

With all of the awful news I’ve seen, especially lately, I’ve started thinking about my own life. And life in general. It’s precious. We only get one. So why not make the most of it? That’s what I’ve been striving to do, especially a month after ending a relationship that I, at one point, thought was going to last forever. I was moving on from that, I really was. I’m finding new challenges and they make me feel fulfilled and happy.

I know no one is free of pain, even the smallest amount.

My life isn’t perfect, and there are situations unresolved. I pray that one day, I can close every one of those chapters before the powers that be determine that it’s my time to go.

Life. It’s sacred. So do with it what you can, while you can.

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